What kind of person have you become?

The other day as I sat and reflected in the year that is slowly coming to an end I realized there were tons of things I wish I would have done, but didn't for what ever reason. I don't want next year to be the same. I want to take more risk and not always think of what might happen. Who really cares what happens if I fall I will just get back up and try again. I want to be less responsible ( I don't mean I want to make careless choices). I mean I get more stress because I worry about what the right choice is. I look at these people who look carefree, and their life is pretty together. If I want to go camping I should. If I want to eat take out for a week I should. If I want a shirt I should buy it. If I don't want to be friends with some one I shouldn't. I just don't want to be so afraid to take a risk. I also want to slow down and enjoy life. I mean what difference does it make if I am ten minutes early or just on time? And I don't want to have to explain why all the time.
So here is to a better person in 2008!

Old age is catching me.....

The other say as I stood in front of the mirror doing my hair I catch a glimpse of my second gray hair. Now the other one I had found a week earlier I just pulled out thinking maybe I was just seeing things. I also noticed wrinkles on my forehead in which I didn't have before. I can't believe what the mirror is showing me. I thought I would never get old and here at twenty five I have my second gray hair and wrinkles.

What did I do so wrong?

This morning my neighbor ask my boyfriend if we had a baby because her brother dropped off some formula and she wouldn't have a baby for another 4 months.
So usually I am fine hearing that someone is expecting and I am actually happy for them because they get to experience motherhood and all the wonderful things it offers. But today is not one of those days. I already question this ladies parenting skills with the child she already has. Now I am in no way saying I am a saint of a parent because Lord knows I have made tons of mistakes raising my own child. At first the thought of her having a baby didn't bother me but as I sat there thinking of the kind of parent she is, I started to wonder why. Why is it okay for people like her to have baby after baby and keep them and I can't. I am a good mom and yet I had to give my baby to some one else because I couldn't care for him. And this lady gets to wake up every night by the crying of her new baby. I am not jealous all I want to know is why. Why is it okay for some people to have all that it takes to have a baby and why is it not for others. I understand that it takes a strong person to do what I did and all the mothers before me and those who will follow.
Now I live in fear of ever having another child for the fear that my child that I placed will somehow think I didn't love him enough to keep him. Which isn't the case at all.

An Amazing Gift

Tonight when I got home there was a note from the post man saying they tried to deliver a package and I wasn't home so it was at the office. I walked up not knowing what it was..... and once I got there I figured out it was the box from my son and his parents. Well I couldn't wait to get home because A had informed me that there were pictures in the box. Sure enough there were and OH MY WHAT AN AMAZING LITTLE BOY! His smile just melted my heart and made me smile my self. She had included some from when they went to the pumpkin patch and of him in his Halloween costume, and the ones of him on his big boy bike. In each there was a smile worth a million words. I looked at him in disbelief of how big he has gotten. He has hair and lots of it and its in curls. Though his smiles I see how happy he is. I am grateful for the amazing gift of Pictures.

If you had it to do all over again would you pick the same parents?

If or even if I didn't know what I know now about my sons parents I would with out a doubt pick them again to be his parents. They are meant to be Jaodn's mom and dad. Plus the joy I saw on their faces when he arrived in to the world was priceless. Plus they include me in in the important parts of his life and I never feel as if I am not part of it. They are also amazing with my other son who loves when we visit. They are Christians which is very important. Most of all his mom has become a close friend of mine. When something great happens she is one of the first people I want to call. His dad is quiet like me, you see some times I just don't know what to say when people are around. They have great smiles. Plus they match......meaning he looks like them a lot. To me it would be odd if he didn't look like his parents. They were exactly what I wanted in parents. You know they say you don't get to choose your parents.... well I picked his and they are great.

Two Visits

I decided last summer I would like to have two visits instead of four a year. I figured it would be better for everyone. But as I sit here this month I remember last year and the visit I had with Jadon. It was the first one post his placement. I remember being so nervous and not knowing what to wear. I shopped all day to find matching shirts in two different sizes. So when the boys had their pictures done they would match. I am thankful that my sons mom lets the boys have their pictures taken together. I remember walking in and he was a sleep on the bed, and I wanted him to be up. It didn't take long to help him along with that. Wow did he change in just that short amount of time. He looked like this little person. I remember how he stared at me as if he knew me from some where. I like that about him no matter how long its been since he saw me last he always gives me the look as if he knows me even if it takes him a minute.

At the same time I sit and wonder what it will be like when I see him again in March. It will be six months then since I saw him last. I know when I talk with his mom on the phone he is always chatty in the back ground which can cause me to be spacey in my conversation. So I know he will be chatty and I get excited. Well by then he will also be walking. Scary!!!!!!!!! Which means he is no longer this baby that I laid in his parents arms and exited. I also wonder about how tall he will be. Will he give me that same look or will he cling to his parents in fear of me. I know what ever it is it will be great.

This is why I think two visits are good. Well, they need time to be a family and learn what works and what doesn't. Second visits are super emotional no matter how much you think that you are prepared for them. Third Life happens and we all get wrapped up in our own. I am glad we are able to communicate other ways in the mean time though. Fourth I don't worry about if he is in good hand or not because I know he is. Plus there are huge changes to look forward to and if it doesn't work we can look at it later.

One year down and five to go!

This week I finished my first year of college. I am super excited because my GPA was a 3.0. How I have no idea. I am also excited bcause I did it and this time next year I am hopping to be on the graduation list. I won't stop until I get my masters though. I will however start working as a social worker as soon as I can. I want nothing more that to be able to make a difference in someones life.
Looking back in some ways I wish I would have went to school right after school, but at the same time I am glad I waited because I know what I want to become. I also want it a lot more than I did right after school.

Clean out my life

Lately I have been reflecting on the relationships in my life and I think I would be better off with out half of them. So I am ending them slowly but surely.
Take my relationship with H friends till the end or in this case until she finds some one else to give her what ever she wants. It was a relationship of what could I do for H but if the shoe were on my foot she always had a reason she couldn't help.
My relationship with K wasn't much different and she just told me she is moving in two weeks. Since I no longer drink our friendship was put to the test. Sorry I just don't see a need to drink to hang out with people.
Now my family is going to be the hardest string of all to cut. Hint they are family. I have decided for my son that one last visit home would be good. I would like to have pictures with my grandma and him, but other than that they can all kiss my rear. I don't need someone to tell me what kind of parent I am being or how I should be nice to my mother, or why and I raising my child this way when I wasn't raised that way. Oh yeah and when I fall on my face don't turn to them for help, but if I am soaring they are there to take all the credit for helping me get there, when really they had nothing to do with it.
I am also giving my orthodontist the boot. Three years and counting and he still has no idea when my braces will come off. See yeah I will go to some one who knows what they are really doing and aren't just money hungry.
Oh yeah and I am looking for a new job since my boss thinks its okay to judge my character and get away with it. Sorry I have had people judging me all of my life and I will be darned in my boss gets away with it.
My J dad. well I tried to be nice to him and guess what the street goes both ways and since he can't be man enough to stick to anything he says sorry I also have no time for him either.
I need healthy loving relationships and I have that with a few people in my life and I would rather have that with a few people instead of crappy relationships with a lot of people.

My Visit to the PICC Center

After reading the article in the paper I felt the need to do something. Well, babies always need diapers. I went to this value store that has things stores can't sell and bought up some diapers. I pulled up in the parking lot and through the window you could see a nursery I just sat there thinking to my self if I really wanted to do this. What if I saw a baby? What if the people were not nice? I grabbed my bag and opened my door and walked up to the door and rang the door bell and waited. Finally a lady beeped out and ask what I needed. I told her her I brought some diapers. A few minutes passed and finally this lady came through the door. I took one look at her and realized she was the lady who started the center. I wanted to just hug her, but i didn't, we made small chat and she went her way and told me the lady at the counter could help me. I was so over whelmed with emotions that I sounded stupid as I talked to them both. I wanted to sign up to volunteer but the only class is on a Thursday when I am sitting at my desk job. So there goes that chance. Over all it was a good experience though and I know what a great thing she is doing, but yet I feel this need to write her a letter, and I may just do that.

PICC

Yesterday I had to get a news paper for my office, and right on the first page was this amazing article about a woman who had become a foster mom at age 22, it went on to tell about how she had rarely been with out a baby and she has since retired from being a foster mom but she is the co founder of a place called Kent’s Pediatric Interim Care Center. I was so moved by the article that I called them and ask what I could do. I am attaching the link and the article. I hope it touches your hearts as much as it did mine. I am going to go through my oldest sons baby things and things I know he will never use I am going to donate, and plus other things. You may want to grab a tissue. Sometimes it takes one small step to change the life of many.

http://kentreporter.com/jumpstory.html?story=news1&pubdate=10/10/2007 Thats where I got the article from.

http://www.picc.net/ This is the web site for PICC


Enjoy reading:

She’s a mom to so many by Daniel Mooney Barbara Drennen sounds confident when she calls herself a mother, and she has the history to back it up.
In addition to bearing two of her own children, the 64-year-old has adopted three and cared for countless others over the years, all from the time they were newborns.
“I started fostering at the age of 22, and I just gave up my license two years ago,” Drennen said. “It was pretty emotional for me. All those years, I only went one week without a baby.”
Her fostering days may be over, but as co-founder and executive director of Kent’s Pediatric Interim Care Center, Drennen won’t have to go without a baby anytime soon. She wouldn’t have it any other way, and that longtime passion for the care of newborns who need it most was recognized this year, when she won the 2007 Stand on a Better World Local Award.
The award, sponsored by New Jersey flooring company Mannington, recognizes three women who have made a significant impact locally, nationally or globally. Drennen won the local award for developing her unique center, called PICC for short, which provides unmatched care for drug-exposed infants from across the state.
“I was honored,” Drennen said. “To receive an award like this is very humbling.”
The idea for the center began when Drennen, a longtime Kent resident, was busy fostering babies in the 1980s. She began to notice what was then becoming a widespread epidemic in the U.S. — the use of cocaine, often by pregnant mothers. The result of the drug use was premature, addicted newborns, many of which came to Drennen’s door.
“I had been a foster parent for many years, and the babies began to change,” she said. “They became very much more difficult to manage, so I decided to do something about it.”
Partnering with fellow Kent caregiver Barbara Richards, Drennen consulted with physicians and academics to learn and develop therapeutic techniques for guiding the infants through the painful period of withdrawal. “The Two Barbs,” as they were called, began providing the care in their homes, and before long, hospitals were prompting them to design a center for the valuable service.
Drennen and Richards formed PICC in Kent in October 1990.
“It’s been almost exactly 17 years now,” Drennen said. “We had no idea of the depth of the program. We knew what we wanted to do with the babies, but we didn’t know how far-reaching this was going to be.”
PICC became the first full-time newborn nursery specializing in bringing drug-addicted infants through withdrawal. It has yet to be replicated, Drennen said, though many have used the center as a model.
Richards retired in 2000, but Drennen continues to lead the PICC as executive director. Over the last 17 years, she and her staff have led more than 1,900 drug-exposed newborns through their first weeks. She has trained hundreds of caregivers, medical personnel and others in the techniques of diagnosing and handling drug-exposed infants.
PICC moved to a new facility in 2006, located at 328 Fourth Ave. S. in Kent. The two doctors, two nurses, aides and volunteers at the center now can handle about 13 babies at a time, placing them on a level of morphine that mimics their level of addiction and then slowly decreasing that level until they are no longer dependent.
“I have a staff like no other,” Drennen said. “They share my passion for the babies.”
The Legislature recently increased funding for the center, allowing for 17 infant beds.
Drennen has been a valuable resource to the public, medical community and the government on the importance of educating women about the effects of drugs on newborns, even helping to pass legislation to require reporting of newborns testing positive for illicit drugs to Child Protective Services.
And she doesn’t plan on stopping anytime soon.
“People always ask me when I’ll retire, and I always say 10 years,” she said. “But I’ve been saying that forever, and I’m still saying it. I don’t think there’s any place I’d rather be than here.”
Drennen was selected for the Stand on a Better World Award by a panel of judges, including world-famous athlete Billie Jean King, Emmy award-winning “20/20” correspondent Deborah Roberts and 2006 Stand on a Better World recipient Olga Murray. Drennen will be honored at an awards ceremony Nov. 15 in Wilmington, Del., where one of the three recipients will be chosen as the grand-prize winner, receiving $25,000 to be donated to her chosen charity. The other two winners will receive $10,000 to be given to their chosen charities.
Contact Daniel Mooney at 253-437-6012 or dmooney@reporternewspapers.com.
In addition to bearing two of her own children, the 64-year-old has adopted three and cared for countless others over the years, all from the time they were newborns.
“I started fostering at the age of 22, and I just gave up my license two years ago,” Drennen said. “It was pretty emotional for me. All those years, I only went one week without a baby.”
Her fostering days may be over, but as co-founder and executive director of Kent’s Pediatric Interim Care Center, Drennen won’t have to go without a baby anytime soon. She wouldn’t have it any other way, and that longtime passion for the care of newborns who need it most was recognized this year, when she won the 2007 Stand on a Better World Local Award.
The award, sponsored by New Jersey flooring company Mannington, recognizes three women who have made a significant impact locally, nationally or globally. Drennen won the local award for developing her unique center, called PICC for short, which provides unmatched care for drug-exposed infants from across the state.
“I was honored,” Drennen said. “To receive an award like this is very humbling.”
The idea for the center began when Drennen, a longtime Kent resident, was busy fostering babies in the 1980s. She began to notice what was then becoming a widespread epidemic in the U.S. — the use of cocaine, often by pregnant mothers. The result of the drug use was premature, addicted newborns, many of which came to Drennen’s door.
“I had been a foster parent for many years, and the babies began to change,” she said. “They became very much more difficult to manage, so I decided to do something about it.”
Partnering with fellow Kent caregiver Barbara Richards, Drennen consulted with physicians and academics to learn and develop therapeutic techniques for guiding the infants through the painful period of withdrawal. “The Two Barbs,” as they were called, began providing the care in their homes, and before long, hospitals were prompting them to design a center for the valuable service.
Drennen and Richards formed PICC in Kent in October 1990.
“It’s been almost exactly 17 years now,” Drennen said. “We had no idea of the depth of the program. We knew what we wanted to do with the babies, but we didn’t know how far-reaching this was going to be.”
PICC became the first full-time newborn nursery specializing in bringing drug-addicted infants through withdrawal. It has yet to be replicated, Drennen said, though many have used the center as a model.
Richards retired in 2000, but Drennen continues to lead the PICC as executive director. Over the last 17 years, she and her staff have led more than 1,900 drug-exposed newborns through their first weeks. She has trained hundreds of caregivers, medical personnel and others in the techniques of diagnosing and handling drug-exposed infants.
PICC moved to a new facility in 2006, located at 328 Fourth Ave. S. in Kent. The two doctors, two nurses, aides and volunteers at the center now can handle about 13 babies at a time, placing them on a level of morphine that mimics their level of addiction and then slowly decreasing that level until they are no longer dependent.
“I have a staff like no other,” Drennen said. “They share my passion for the babies.”
The Legislature recently increased funding for the center, allowing for 17 infant beds.
Drennen has been a valuable resource to the public, medical community and the government on the importance of educating women about the effects of drugs on newborns, even helping to pass legislation to require reporting of newborns testing positive for illicit drugs to Child Protective Services.
And she doesn’t plan on stopping anytime soon.
“People always ask me when I’ll retire, and I always say 10 years,” she said. “But I’ve been saying that forever, and I’m still saying it. I don’t think there’s any place I’d rather be than here.”
Drennen was selected for the Stand on a Better World Award by a panel of judges, including world-famous athlete Billie Jean King, Emmy award-winning “20/20” correspondent Deborah Roberts and 2006 Stand on a Better World recipient Olga Murray. Drennen will be honored at an awards ceremony Nov. 15 in Wilmington, Del., where one of the three recipients will be chosen as the grand-prize winner, receiving $25,000 to be donated to her chosen charity. The other two winners will receive $10,000 to be given to their chosen charities.
Contact Daniel Mooney at 253-437-6012 or dmooney@reporternewspapers.com. -->

Stem Cell Research

Okay so I have to write a paper for my child development class and I am in need of some help on this. The topic when is a life a life? Where I have to also discuss if I am okay with stem cell research. I am pretty sure I am against it for a few reasons. But I tried to look up on line the first few days of development and there isn't much out there.
What I am asking is if you could just write your views on this and I will see if I can make since of all of this in my head for my paper.

Thanks for your help.

True Friends

I use to think that a true friend was some one that you got together with once in a while and the person whom you told everything to. I also thought htat this person would be there for the long ride. Boy was I slapped in the face this past year with finding out who my true friends were.

H and I did everything together, there wasn't much time that we weren't doing something together. When we were hanging out we were on the phone just talking. She was the person I went to with everything. Then shortly after I got pregnant her husband got new orders to relocate to another country. I thought that the distance wouldn't be a problem with our friendship. It took a while for her phone service to get on and it cost alot to call her. So I thought emails or snail mail would keep us connected. But in the mean time life happened and some how we drifted apart. I couldn't even tell you the last time I talked to her, I mean really talked to her and caught up on life. I miss the days of her being part of my life.

K and I had the summer of a life time. The summer when I was trying yo find my place and who I was. It was a blast. Then she met a guy and I went mine. After a huge blow up we barely talked. After I found out I was pregnant I had lots of time to think about mending things in my past so I figure why not. I went to her work and we talked during a lunch, you could feel the tention. But our frenship started to pick up again. In time I saw that she hadn't changed. She drank more than ever and other choices in her life were ones I wasn't sure I wanted to be a part of because I had changed alot in my life. I am not saying that I woke up one morning and became this great person. But with time I became a good person. I did things I could be proud of. So today she sends me a message saying "whatever, you never want to do anything any more", to be honest I am not sure I do.

You maybe wondering where I am going with this. Well those are two people who mean something to me and not even one of them called me to see how I was holding up on my sons first birthday. Not even an email to say they were there if I needed them.

You know who did talk to me that week was S and she was a great shoulder to lean on and I hope I can be there for her. Thank you S for all that you have said to me and thank you for being there. It has meant a lot to me.

Have you looked at who your true friends are lately?

MOM

Okay so before I go to a visit I prepare my self for the changes that have happened since last time I visited with him. So that I can mentally beokay with where he is and so it won't be super emotional at the time of the visit. Before the last visit we had talked about what he was doing such as crawling and pulling him self up and talking. So with knowing he was talking I don't know why I was so surprised that he could say mom mom mom. I looked at him and had to step in to the bath room to regroup my self. I mean I knew he could talk I guess I just forgot that he would of course what to say mom mom mom. Also they were not tears of just sadness but tears of joy because that showed just how much he cared for his mom. The part that I knew would heart the heart one day was knowing he would call mom and not me. I guess it just caught me off guard. But I am so happy for her to have the title as mom, which wasa dream come true for her. When he is old enough he will be able to say Julie and it will bring a tear to my eye too.

1ST Bithday party and visit

Yesterday I was honored to be present at Jadons 1st birthday party. When I arrived he had just woken up from a nap and just looked at me trying to place where he knew me from and he wasn't sure if he wanted to leave his moms arms yet or not. Which was okay as I understood that from prior mothering exprience. With in a few minutes I was ready to try to hold him, and to my surprise he came right to me, but he was sure to look and make sure his mom was still close. I then got to seed him his lunch. He sat there in his chair and when he was ready for another bite his little mouth would just pop open and he would give me this look like your not giving me food fast enough. But in between bites I would get the most presious smile in the world. As he ate he would look behind me as thats was where Jacob his big brother was sitting, and he wanted to know what he was doing. I love holding him as much as I can during my visits. We then played on the floor, as his mom got things ready for his party to begin.

On this visit I was also honored to get to meet other people who play a role in his life. He has two great sets of grandparents who love him so much. Another benifit if this was seeing how much he loved each of them back and being included in that part of his life.

He wasn't to sure about the sound of the paper when he opened his gifts but he liked what was in the inside once the paper was gone. Also when it came time for cake he didn't mind putting his hands in it but he wanted nothing to do with eating it. Later he enjoyed some of his moms chocolate cake which he couldn't seem to get enough of. After he got all messy I had the honor of giving him his clean up bath.

In bath time I was able to capture some smiles on my camera. This was the first bath I had given him since his very first bath ever which I had given him in the hospital a year before. This time he was able to sit up all by him self and splash in the water and play with the new bath toys I had given him as a birthday gift.

We played some more through out the after noon and then he got super sleepy so I attempted to put him down for a nap. I wanted to try and rock him to sleep as it gives me some alone time with him during the visit. So we took Tad bit and went in to try and nap. Well his super excited to see him big brother didn't want to get out of the room and of course Jadon wanted nothing more than to stay up and play with him. So once I was able to get him out of the room he started to suck his thumb and then layed his head on my shoulder. Then he would hear some one in the hall way and look around. Then he would look at me and just grin and grin. As we were in there it was almost as if he knew how much I needed those smiles. He was also full of giggles which he shared with me. Then in would come Jacob trying to see what was going on. He just became more and more tired. So finally his mom brought in one last bottle for him. As I held him and he drifted off to sleep I fed him his last bottle. Which was nice because I had fed him his first bottle ever and his last once. Which is a memory I will cherish forever. I was able to rock him to sleep which I guess he usually doesn't let any one do, but I am sure he knew how much I needed to feel him asleep on my chest

I believe every time he looks at me with those big blue eyes he knows what happened and almost as if he understands. I know later I will have to answer any questions he may have. It was agreat visit. I look forward to seeing him on the next one. In the mean time I will enjoy all the picture I took and the ones I will get along the way.

Happy 1st Birthday

Last year on September 12th the most amazing baby entered the world, and not knowing that the following events would change the course of his life forever. As he came out I saw the joy on his new parents face and I knew what I was doing was right so if I had any doubt up to that point it was gone. The nurse laid him on my chest and the tears filled my eyes ones of joy not ones of sadness I was so excited to finally bemeeting him.

Now it has been one year and its hard to believe. With each visit he gets bigger and bigger and starts to become his own person. The first birthday was hard for me because the events of his birth even though they were good played over and over in my mind. I think everything I looked at had some way of reminding me of him and how we spent the first few days of his life together, and prepared to go our seperate ways. To me its hard I guess to see him as a toddler when in my mind he is still this tiny baby even though I have pictures and I have seen him in person to make that not true.

I made it though as will the other moms who have went through this before me and the ones to come after me. But I am greatful for the moms who are goign though this that I have the chance to become friends with.

Kidergarten Blues

Last week I got to experience sending my son off to Kindergarten. You would think this would be an easy task since I dropped him off at day care Monday through Friday. The night before he ask me "Mom what if no body likes me?", I looked at him and assured him every one would love him and he would make so many new friends. He seemed okay until it came time to say good bye until the afternoon. Sure enough his little eyes filled with tears and I just hugged him pointed him in the direction of his class and hid in the corner behind another mom. I feel like a coward for being behind that other mom but I knew that if I didn't cut it short right then it would be harder later. Tears filled my eyes and started down my cheek. When the mom in front of me looked back and put her arms around me and said this must be your first and she said it would get better by the end of the week and assured me that I would be okay. It was so nice of her to do that and I wanted to say thank you to her but I haven't seen her since the first day. Her words meant to much to me at that moment. She was right to by the end of the week both of us were just fine. But wow does taking them to Kindergaten on the first day tug on your heart.

Going in to labor

Today one year ago I went in to labor, September 11.

Through out my whole pregnancy I wasn't able to sleep on my stomach because any time I did Jadon would kick around until I was in a spot where he was comfortable which was usually on my back. Why that is kind of funny is when I was pregnant with my first son I could only sleep on my stomach. Anyhow, so on the early morning of September 11th I figured I was just in a position that he didn't like so I tossed and turned alot trying to get him comfortable. Well, I woke up early as I couldn't get comfortable. So I called my aunt as I do some mornings, as I was trying to figure out if I was in labor. Yes I am a nut, I had never been in labor on my own before I was induced the first time. Now after she said I was most likely in labor that I should call the hospital. So I called E & A to tell them that I thought I was in labor. Then I called C to tell her and she said I should call my Dr and give him a heads up. So I called the clinic and she said I should go to the hospital to get checked out. Well if there is one thing I have learned over the years is that it can take a while for a baby to come out. So I went about my morning and I got my son ready to go to daycare, and I called my ex husband so he could pick him up. I packed a bag for the hospital and one for Jacob to take to his dads house, you see I would have done this earlier if I would have known I was going to be two weeks early.

AfterI packed the bag for the hospital it settled in my mind what was happening and I started to cry as I knew our time as mom and son and only the two of us was coming to an end faster than I was ready for it to end. My tears were so uncontrollable. I was sad and excited all in one.

Once I finished everything I thought that I needed to do I drove my son to daycare and told them that his dad would be picking him up and I was on my way to the hospital to have the baby. They offered to drive me but I declined.

Well On my way I waned new pjs as I knew I didn't want to be seen walking up and down the hospital in one of those gowns. I stopped at walmart and and spent some time trying to figure out which set I wanted. I finally chose a pair and left for the hospital.

Okay so even though I have gotten on the freeway in from that exit many times before wouldn't you know on that very day I would take the wrong one and go in the opposite direction..lol..only I would do something like that.

Finally I arrive at the hospital. Now I had sent in the paper work weeks ago to preregister as the Dr. said I should. Wouldn't you know they hadn't put me in the system. 20 min later I was in and on my way up to labor and delivery. They check and I wasn't dilated to much so she told me to get up and walk for a half an hour and then soak in the tub for thirty min. I walked and walked and walked some more, I swear you would think no one has ever seen a woman in labor walk the hall in the hospital. The looks people give you as you do. Well, after all of that I got sent home as they said I didn't change much from when I first got there.

Well on my way home I called my ex husband to tell him I would be picking Jacob up from school. Then I went home and tried to sleep, lol which doesn't work well when you are in labor. So as a young girl from hearing my mom talk to my aunts about what to do in labor, such as lay on your left side and walk alot. So thats what I did as I tried to sleep I layed on my left side. Then when I couldn't take that any more I got up and called my friends friend who is a mid wife and ask her how to speed up my labor. She said try lundges and squats. I called up a friend and went to the park and did just that for an hour and all I got was my contractions to speed up a few min. I took my friend home and went to pick my son up form daycare. They were surprised to see me non the less.

I did everything I normally did at night when I got home. My friend called and ask if I needed her to pick up Jacob and I said if I went to the hospital I would call her. She said she could only come until ten after that she wouldn't be able to get him. I told her I was fine. The contractions started to come more and more.

Around 11 they were 10 min apart and by 12 they were down to five so I figured it was time to go. So I called E & A to let them know I was about to drive to the hospital and would meet them there. They had just got in a half an hour earlier or so. Even though there case worker said not to because I wasn't going to have a baby today. I am so glad they followed their own judgement and not that of some one else.

So I loaded Jacob in to the car and went to get gas as I was on E and meant to get it earlier that day. Well, when I got out I had a contraction and decided against the gas. I got on the free way and was on my way. When it came time to exit ....they were doing construction and my exit was closed so I had to exit and get on another way...yes I find that funny since a simalier thing happened earlier in the day at almost the same exit.

Once I arrived at the hospital I got my stuff and Jacob and walked to the door breathing through a conraction. They noticed that I was in labor before I entered I think. They checked me in and just then two more ladies also in labor walked in. (both of which were also sent home that day by the same nurse I had)

When I got up stairs E & A were there and Jacob was all excited to see them and so was I. The nurse checked to see if I had changed any since I was in earlier and I had. She got me up and walking and I walked the halls with A as E played with Jacob. It was nice having A there with me as I walked this time we talked about the little hats that we saw in the nursery and the pictures we saw on the wall. We also talked about how excited we were to finally be meeting Jadon. Needless to say the contractions got the better of me. So I decided I would take soaking in the tub over walking...haha if I had it all to do over I would keep walking.

A later told me that it helped with E nerves having Jacob there to keep him occupied. He ended up falling asleep in the chair in the room.

Time finally came for the epadural. Which was much needed by then. This was at like two in the morning. I had been in labor since 5:30 the morning before. The Dr. who put it in I am not quite sure he knew what he was doing I heard things breaking behind me and he was asking what wires were for. Trust me that not what you want to hear coming from the mouth of the man sticking a needle in your back. A saw my pain and held my hand.

I am not sure I will ever be able to tell you how great it was to have both of them there through this. It brought us so much closer than anything else we had done up to this point.

After the epadural kicked in I fell asleep. Which was good. The only time I woke up was when the Dr. came in to check my and to break my water.

It was just a matter of a few hours before we would be meeting Jadon.

The visit were E & A both came

I was thrilled that E & A would get to both come to a Dr. visit before I delivered. If they were closer it would have been different I am sure but living 6 hours one way put a damper on things. At this visit we were talking about how long the Dr. would let me go over due before he would induce labor, which I had to have done with my first child. He told me that we would cross that bridge when we got there. I wanted to be induced because that was a sure way to make sure E & A would be there, which I wanted more than anything. They got to hear the heart beat again and I could see the joy rush over them, which made me know this was the right thing to do.

After the visit we were going to take a tour of labor and delivery. I highly recommend this, because it can be a bonding opportunity. Like I have stated before I wanted this to be like they were having a baby not me, and touring labor and delivery is what you do when you are having a baby. The nurses were so friendly when we got there. A ask questions which was good and the nurses were able to answer them.

Afterwards we all went to dinner and talked about the Dr. visit and all the things that were about to happen. Then we said our good byes and the next time we would see each other would be when I was in labor.

A funny story about the ultra sound

At the ultra sound I was given four pictures to keep. I choose which two I would keep and than copied the two I would send to his parents. Well in doing so there was a picture of his foot. Well like any mother would do I counted the toes to make sure there were five. Now every time I did this I came up with six toes. I got so scared and I worried about how to tell E & A that I thought their baby was going to have six toes. I also felt bad because I was going to give them a child that wasn't perfect. Well the more I looked at that picture the more worried I became. Well to make a long story short when he was born he only had five toes on each foot and five fingers on each hand. We laugh now about the time I thought he had six toes.

Letting E & A if the baby was a boy or a girl

I was so disappointed when I found out the agency got my ultra sound date wrong, because that meant that E & A weren't going to be there when I found out if I was having a boy or a girl. So I needed to come up with a way to tell them. I found out that I was having a boy!!!! I thought of all kinds of ways but I thought why not just send them a card that said congrats on your new baby boy, so thats what I did. Now that was after I had C make sure they wanted to know. I was so excited to be having a little boy as I knew how much joy a little boy could bring to his parents or parent as I was raising one already. After they found out I was having a boy they choose the name as it was not my place to do so as I was not going to be the one yelling it when he got in to Trouble but they would be. They choose the perfect name which was Jadon. He fits that name to a T.

The First Doctors Appointment with A

So since the agency couldn't get the dates right on Dr. visits We decided to exchange email so I could tell the the times I would be seen so they could have time to plan to come if they could make it. The first visit only A was able to make it because E had to work but it was a nice to have one of them there. I had a few questions to ask and than I gave A a chance to ask anything she may have been wondering. It was time to hear the heart beat and let me tell you even though I had heard it before it was amazing to see the joy it brought to A as she listened. That was the first time that she heard her soon to be child's heart beat. Now if only the Dr. could have let her listen longer. Before we knew it the Dr. visit was done.

But than we went to dinner to talk about the visit and just to chat. I gave her some baby stuff some of which my older son had used when he was a baby. You may be wondering what is so great about that well it was great to see that she wasn't afraid or to good to use hand me downs. I know there are moms out there like that and it made me happy knowing she wasn't one of them. At the end of the visit we said good bye and each went out own way until we would have another chance to visit.

Open or Closed

When I first met with C to talk about my adoption I told her all I wanted were pictures and to be available when my child turned 18 to answer any questions they may have. She reminded me it wasn't something I had to decide today and had my whole pregnancy to decide.

Well when the dr. went to find the babies heart beat for the first time she couldn't find it and I was sent to have and ultra sound to make sure everything was okay. I started to worry what if the baby wasn't okay? All these things raced through my mind, and it was a few hours until they had an opening for an ultra sound. Finally it was time to go and ofc ourse they have you drink lots of fluid so the baby won't have much room to move, bad idea when your your bladder is the size of a pea any how. So as I layed back on the hospital bed the nurse plopped the cold gooe on my belly to start searching for the baby in my tummy. I layed there looking at the monitor hoping and praying every thing would be okay. Then the nurse found the baby and told me everything was just fine. I looked at the screen at the most amazing view in the world, and tears of happiness ran down my cheeks. I had shared with the nurse my choice to place my child up for adoption. She told me what a great thing I was doing.

Needless to say when I went back to see C I told her I wanted an adoption as open as the parents were comfortable with. I explained to her what had happened, and we went on to talk about the process of adoption. (this all happened before I met E & A).

For me Open was the way to go.

Somethings I wanted the E & A to be part of

Now I may look at adoption different than others but we are all entitled to our way of thinking about things. With that being said I wanted this pregnancy to be as if it were their own as much as possible. Meaning I wanted them to be at doctors visits when possible, and be there for the birth. Plus I felt that it brought us closer as parents than if I would have excluded them from these important moments of their child's beginning. I was a upset when the agency got the ultra sound days mixed up and they missed it and it was their chance to see their baby. And when E couldn't come to a visit to hear the heart beat I taped it and mailed it to him. They did make it to a few Dr. visits but the distance had a role in that. I talked to A online just about daily and if I didn't it felt strange. I wanted to tell her as much as I could about who I was and where I had come from so she would know where her baby came from. There were laughs and tears shared over those months. If was great getting to know both of them. Eventually we moved from the computer to the phone. I had so much I needed to tell them and such a short time.

Meeting the parents

Meeting the parents in more like a blind date when you think about it. Because both of you know only what you have heard from someone else, and you go in to it hoping the best and not knowing the outcome.
The day finally came when I got the call saying that I could meet the couple from the book. I was so nervous and excited. I had made a list of all the questions I wanted to ask so I would be sure not to forget any.I worked half a day and left early so I could make it on time. I arrived a little early to the office, and I sat in the car hoping to catch a glance of a couple who I would soon be talking to. But of course the baby on the bladder got the best of me and I had to head on before I noticed any one looking around like me. As I sat in the office and waited for their arrival I read a pamphlet in the office about moms who had been down the road before me and gave me some hope that in the end it would be ok. All of a sudden the door opened and in came the couple from the book. They were so warm and friendly from the moment they came in the door. We then went back in to the room where we would get to know each other. With in a few minutes it was as if we had known each other forever and weren't just meeting for the first time. Time went by so quickly. E & A were able to answer all the questions from my list in which I forgot at my office. Our views on parenting were alot alike.

Now in this visit I brought a gift and a card as it was just before mothers day and I wrote a letter to A and gave her a duck for a baby, because before meeting them in person I didn't know if in person we would like each other but I wanted her to know that she was thought of through her process of becoming a mom. They also gave me a necklace that had a big heart and a little heart in the beginning which represented me and the baby I was carrying. I put the locket on the next day and wore it for months after I delivered my son. The day I took it off my heart dropped. (More in another blog)

Afterwards we each talked to our counselors and I left before they did as I had my son to get home to. I also wanted to share with everyone I knew about the parents my child would be growing up with.

The next day I called C and told her I wanted that couple to be my babies parents. So she said that I could be the one to tell them. I wrote them a letter about what I wanted and how great it was to meet them and I included a pink and a blue sock, and mailed it to them.

Looking back on this it a day that will always be in my mind. But something I suggest to any one about to meet the parents for the first time is don't be afraid to ask any of the questions you want to know. Remember if you choose them you will know them the rest of your life and now is the time to find out their views not after they are parenting your child and you all of a sudden don't like what they are doing because than its to late as its not your choice on how they parent their child. It doesn't matter how big or small the answer may seem even if the answer is obvious.

The first steps in adoption

I knew in my mind as I said in my previous post that I knew I was going to give my baby up for adoption from a few weeks in to my pregnancy. But what I didn't know is where to go to get all of it started. So I turned to my co- worker J for advice since she the previous year placed her son up for adoption and knew the challenges I was about to face. She gave be a number to a lady at BCS and I called her a few days later to make an appointment. I was so nervous on the other end of that phone, but I explained who I was and how I had come across her number. So we decided on a day to meet and we talked about me and what my plans were and what I wanted out of the adoption. In the same visit she also told me that she normally didn't get the chance to meet girls this early on in their pregnancy's, but I assured her that I was here because I had no other choice. She also told me how to get health insurance since I didn't have any. She kept telling me what an amazing thing I was doing and I knew it was a good thing but yet my heart kept saying something completely different, I felt like I was being a chicken to face up to what I had done.

I met with C twice and on the second visit I was ready to pick the parents who would raise my child as their own. I looked for what seemed like hours and than I came up on a book of a couple who was local they had no other children and were in their late twenties early thirties. She was to be a stay at home mom and he was in the air force. I told C this is who I wanted she said ok and would be in touch with their counselor. I had to wait though since I wasn't past the miscarriage stage and I had to be past that before I could meet them. After passing that stage I got a call form C saying that they had already been placed with a baby. I know I should have just been happy but my heart ached as I thought they were the ones.

Back to square one on looking no one seemed to be what I wanted and yes I had every right to be as picky as I wanted to be, because they were the ones my child loved more than anything. Most of all I wanted ordinary people just like me in some ways. So after hours of looking at books and thinking I was out of luck I came down to the last book and found this amazing couple who looked fun and well rounded they had support and most of all in their book when they were with other children they were both glowing. They were so full of what I wanted my child to have. I knew I wanted them to be my childs parents. But yet C said I should take their book and another couples book home that I had liked and think about it until I was really sure. The whole night I could not get that couple out of my head. So the next day I took both books to work and told them what I liked about each couple and ask what they thought. Now mind you I am just going by pictures and what they have written about them selves. So by the end of the day I knew for sure that the couple I couldn't get out of my head were the ones. I told C the next day and she ask if I was sure and I was.

Finding out I was pregnant

The first few weeks of January were fine and I felt just a little more tired than normal which was not that unusual for me but than I just felt more bloated than I normaly do before I get my period. Then I started feeling super sick but yet could throw up. I decided to take a test and just see who knows why but some how when I am pregnant I just know, I did and sure enough it said pregnant, of course I had to do another one just to make sure. Tears filled my eyes and I didn't know what I was going to do.

You see I had seperated from my husband in October and the divorce wasn't even final, but I new it was over. I had also been dating this guy who the more we were together the more I realised he was a fruit cake. Then there was the Marine I meet the night before Christmas and had a fling with because I need to not let my life get boring. I also needed to feel like I was in control of my life and that it was me making choices for myself and not someone else like had been going on all of my life. Now I know the child was not my soon to be ex husbands. So I figured it was the guy I had been seeing , but I didn't want to have a baby with him hell he already had a son and I was pretty sure had nothing to do with him. So I decided to keep it a secret for as long as I could . As for the Marine I had forgot all about it until he sent me a message when I was three months along.

I had researched my options of keeping my son. I went to DSHS to see if I could get WIC and daycare asstance and with out even blinking the girl behind th ecounter said I wouldn't qualify. So I knew there would be no way I would beable to care for this baby I was carring. Then my mind went to abortion and I couldn't come to bring myself to do it ( another blog about why later). Then I decided from that moment I would place my baby up for adoption. I never than thought about keeping my baby.

I decided to tell my friend because we tell each other everything, and really I didn't know what to do or how to tell the possible father. She was disapointed that I had desided to give my baby up for adoption. But it was my choice to make and not hers. I was not going to make another bad choice.

I called and ask the guy to come over and help me with somthing and he did and I then told him I was pregnant and that I decided that I was placing the child up for adoption. He really didn't have anything to say no questions nothing. That was the last time I talked to him or even saw him. Must be nice to just walk the other way and pretend life isn't happening, and that you aren't the one who may have screwed some one elses life up.

I also had to tell my family that I was pregnant and their first reaction was that I needed to move home. Yeah like that would fix anything it would just make it worse. I couldn't wait to grow up and get as far from there as I could. No way was I going to subject my children to their way of living. They were furious when I said I was placing my child up for adoption. Then my one aunt even had the nerve to say that I was being like my mother who walked out on me and my brothers and left us for the man she was dating and the drugs she couldn't live with out. My other aunt even offered to adopt my baby. Don't get me wrong my family has some good in it just I choose to parent a lot diffrent than they do and I have every right to. They could only tell me what a horrible thing I was doing. So I stopped talking to them. They didn't liek my choice because they weren't making it for me. I didn't answer there calls nor did I return them. But they just couldn't stop so they called my soon to be ex husband and had to share all of this with him. I didn't want to tell him he wanted children one day and I didn't I mean I thought I did when we first got together, but then I learn one was enough for me.

So now I had to hear it from him I just put it plain and simple it was my life and I would do with it as I pleased, and if they called back to tell them I was fine and had no need to talk to them any more until they could see things my way.

So yes I was only a month pregnant when I found out and in that same month I decided to place my child for adoption and when against what everyone else believed was best for me.

Over the next few weeks

I would like to write my story about the adoption process and how I got to where I am today with all of it. Because on September 12th its my sons first birthday. It is also a mile stone for all of us that are part of his life. I would like to share my story with all of you and I hope that you enjoy reading it.

You never know who all has been touched by adoption.

The other day I went to the dentist, and I got chatting with the girl at the counter well it came out that she was adopted. Well I love to talk about adoption as some times it feels like it helps me better understand my choice, but most of all I get a view from all sides. She didn't really say that when she was adopted but she did say that she has never met her mom and that her mom had written a book telling her as much as she could about her., by this point I was almost in tears because thats how I am when I hear some one elses story. We went on and she said that she wasn't sure if she ever wanted to meet her mom because she didn't feel as if she hadn't ever been loved by her adoptive parents. She said that her birth mom has went on to for get her. Now being on the moms side of this whole thing I felt the need to make it clear that she didn't forget about her and told her that she loved her so much to give her life. I also told her that I am sure that there is not a day that goes past that she doesn't think of her and wonder what she is doing or if she is okay. She said she knew her mom loved her but she just thought it might be to hard. Before I left she told me she thinks she wants to try and find a sister she knows she has and than maybe her mom. I was so excited for her and for her and her birthfamily. I know she may never do it but than again she might. But she did ask me if I knew anyone that could help and I said yes. Now I just have to find the courage to call that person and ask her to help this girl.

The neat thing is that just by looking at some one we just don't know how their life started out.

A Funny Story

I noticed that anytime I talk about my sons mom I just refer to her as "My sons Mom". Well I didn't realise how strange that sounded to other people until I went to a baseball game and we were talking about a product that one of the girls had and I was saying how amazing it was and what I have used from this line, then I went on to say well my sons mom sells it, and went on to finish what I was saying. When I was done everyone was looking at me like I was nuts or something. So I ask what I had said and I got the response your sons mom. To me it never even crossed my mind to refer to her by her name, cause to me she is my sons mom. So then I ended up explaining my adoption story which I don't hide and love to share as it opens up other peoples minds to thinking about adoption. I think its nice to know that she went from being a name to me to being a great mom to a person I care deeply about.

Other types of adoption

I want to start by saying this is just my opinion and we are all entitled to them, and to each person their own.

Anyhow, I was surfing the web to find things on the recalled toys and then when I was done I decided to see if the Seattle times had ever run an article on adoption and to my surprise they did just recently.

http://archives.seattletimes.nwsource.com/cgi-bin/texis.cgi/web/vortex/display?slug=gaydads13m&date=20070813&query=gay+parenting


This plays a diffrent view on adoption and I find my self okay with the topic and I also see the challenges that can be faced in a situation. First off my hat goes off to the people of the same sex who choose to pressue adoption to help fill their dream. Second to the moms out there that go aginst society and give these couples a chance to parent. Its nice to know they have groups where they can come together and talk about the challenges that they face as parents.
I hope the biirth parents are involved somehow so that the child knows both sides of the story just like any other adoption.

So I would like to know how other feel about this.

Who moved my Cheese?

Today I started to listen to the CD of Who Moved my Cheese, well I would say its something every one should listen to. First off I know first hand that change scares the daylights out of me. Time and time again I find my self wondering about the possibilities out there but yet the thought of stepping out of my comfort zone makes me to scared to even take the first step. On the cd they talk about how fear is so much stronger in our minds than it is in the real situation. My goal is to try something new every year and here we are half way though the year and I haven't tried even one of the things I wanted to do this year. Its not just trying new thing, but starting new relationships or even advancing at my job. The unknown is so over whelming. In the cd they talk about how different people deal with change, and some get so caught up in fear that when change happens they have no idea how to function. If it were as easy as they make it sound in the cd.

Is it possible?

I should have part of this down by now since its been almost a year since I gave my son up for adoption and a year since he went home with his parents. But.... here is what I don't know is how do you balance all the people on the same balance beam when every ones role and feelings are so different. I mean at times it feels as if we are all in a boat and the waves are coming in and yet we feel like there is nothing we can do to help make the boat stable with out hurting some one on the boat. I know that there have been moms before me who have gone through this and made it and I also know there are moms who are in this with me and have no idea what to do. So what I mean by all of this is how do you keep the feelings of the adoptive family in check and those of the birth father in check and those of your child whom you placed up for adoption and those of the child you are still raising and your own feelings in check and are able to do this with out being so stress and feeling like you are letting some one down along the way.

I feel as if my future choices of a family are based on the feelings of a child who I don't want to feel unwanted and unloved because that was never and will never be the case.

Then I have the feelings of a child that I raise and ( that's a topic for a later blog).

The feelings of the birth father, even though we make small talk and try to convey our feelings I am not sure that either of us have just come out and said what we thought of the other person. I feel bad sometimes when I talk to him as I know the most up to date information on our son and sometimes hold back sharing because I may hit a nerve.

The feelings of the adoptive parents play a huge role. I don't want to over step any boundary's there as they are the closest people to my son. I don't want to ever sound naive or over bearing. there are lots more but I just don't know how to spit it out.

The last but not least come your feelings on how do tell your self everyday that this was the best choice to have been made and there were no other options. You feelings of Jealousy when you see another mother and her child and ask your self why her and not me?

At some point this all clicks together right?

Sober

I did it!!! I made it two months with out drinking as of today and you would think I would feel as if I had accomplished something major but I don't. I feel like I did it because I was told to not because I wanted to. But what ever the case I did it. I did however learn that I need to talk about whats bothering me instead of tipping up the bottle. You know the crazy thing is that when I tell people that I am two months sober when offered a drink they say they had no idea that I was even an alcoholic. So great I had become a functioning alcoholic with out even realising it. May be I should make this clear I only drank at night and some times at lunch( lunch was only a couple of times and never enough that I was shit faced, just enough to de stress my afternoon). I know I had a problem but like everything else in my life I hate to admit when I am wrong. So I am up to seeing how far I can go and in hopes of never taking another drink.

Jacob's 5th Birthday

It just seems like yesterday I was sitting in the bathroom looking at the stick and wondering if it was really true that I was about to be a mom. So I tried another and another and after six sticks I knew that it had to be true and that I was not just seeing things. Then there he was after 10 1/2 hours of labor he was finally here for me to hold and love for all of his life. He was so perfect. The next thing I know he was rolling over and sitting up. My thoughts were if I could only keep him this size forever ( which all moms say at some point in their child's life). Before I knew it he grew to the point where he could stand on his own and soon he was walking following me around, and then began to run. His sweet giggles filled my ears. Then came time to take his bottle which I think broke my heart more than it did his. Over the next year he learned how to do so much and his favorite saying became I can do it my self mom. :( ...Then all of a sudden almost like over night he could go potty and there were no more diapers to buy. One morning I was dressing him and it was for his first day of preschool. You would be surprised what they learn everyday with out you there, and yet when you ask what they did all day they say I played and played some more. He can run a dvd player faster than most grown ups and is a champ at playing video games and I have no clue what buttons to even push. Hello I grew up in the days of Mario Brothers. Then comes the time where he realises that the signs at the theme parks mean something like ummmm you have to be so tall to ride the rides, and with those bright eyes he looks up and says am I big yet? Then as it nears his 5th birthday he ask just about daily and I five yet? Each day I have to tell him not yet it started with months and than got down to weeks and than days and still the question comes over and over and I have to keep saying not today. Then the day is finally here and I wake him up with a happy birthday sweetie and he says in return am I five now and at last I can look at him and say yes today you are five! But, your heart aches for that little boy that the Dr. placed in your arm all those years ago, and you wonder where has all the time gone? How could I have gotten so caught up in life to miss out on all the little things I thought I would never miss? Yet I look back at all the times I said I would never be one of those people who are always on the go and never have time, and sitting here I realise I have become one of them with out even knowing it, but that can be fixed. Any how when I ask him what he wanted for his birthday dinner and he says french fries and a green shake of course that's exactly what I gave him! So the end to a wonderful birthday and looking forward to each one yet to come but in hopes they come slower than all the ones that have come before now.

Drunk Drivers

Okay so I am driving home today and already cranky for who knows what reason what I was on the verge of tears but needed to get home before I could break down in private. So I am six lights from home and stopped so I start to pop in my favorite CD when all of a sudden I get hit from behind. I look in the rear view mirror to see the person who just smacked in to the back of my car. I move to the side of the road so traffic can keep going and then check to make sure my son is ok which he was. I get out and walk over to this guys car and ask for his insurance and he say ok, well come to find out the dumb ass didn't even have any. Then all I can smell is alcohol I ask him if he had been drinking and he looks at me and goes I had one beer. One beer my ass doesn't make you smell like that. So I look at him and I go Thank GOD you did not hurt my child and how dare he get in his car and drive. I look at his friend who was with him and I ask him if he had a drink and he said NO I was about to flip a lid I ask him why wasn't he driving, he had no answer. Now back to this driver he was telling me he would take care of my car if I didn't call the police and I told him that I had to since he didn't have insurance and I needed mine to fix my car. As I know this fool isn't going to pay. SO I call the police and I tell the lady on the phone that he had been drinking and told her what had happened. So while we are waiting for the cop to arrive he tells me he doesn't have a license . Yes that's right he had already lost his license to a DUI not so long ago and decided to drink and get behind the wheel today. Luckily no one was hurt but my poor car and the front of his. Well low and behold the cop shows up minutes later and has him to a drunk test in the field which he fails. So he is arrested and taken in for driving under the influence, Driving under a suspended license, for causing an accident and for not having and insurance. Now the cop turns to me and ask if I think he will pay for the damages and I say no I do not. Come on now there is no way this guy is going to pay. So the cop says that its just a paint transfer and it can be buffed out and its not worth filling out the police report. I was shocked I thought in an accident you had to do one. So here I leave the scene with some crazy guys address and phone number and damage to my car. I was pissed.
What I don't understand in all of this is how the heck is this guy driving and now he will have a second DUI and will just loose his license for a year and do some community service but in the mean time he will still drink and drive. I pray he doesn't ever hurt any one.
I am not saying I am a saint or anything because GOD knows I was in that boat a few years ago. Yes you read that right I got a DUI in 2005. Thankfully I got pulled over before I hurt some one or myself. Yes I was pissed and scared. Yet I dealt with what I had to do to learn another lesson which I should have already known. I lost my license for 90 day and I had a breathing thing put in my car, I also had to pay 2500 dollars for and attorney, who got my charge dropped to negligence after two years, I also have to carry and sr22 for three years, I had to sit in a victims panel, and take an acohol class. Now you would have thought I would have stopped drinking but I didn't. I just stopped going out and became a functioning acoholic. Then one day I got pregnant and stopped and didn't have a drink until after two weeks when I wasn't sure what I was going to do emotionaly. I didn't drink as much just on the weekends after I put my son to sleep, but that only last a while then I was back up to drinking every night and sometimes I would binge drink and be so sick. Well in June my therapist said either I stop drinking or else I would be ordered to go to AA and admit that I had a problem. Well I have been sober two months as of August 8th.
Let me tell you after today I will never touch another drink as Long as I live.

Visits with my son

Its almost like Christmas but better when I see my son. That means I get to hold him and see him smile up at me. I remember the first visit after the hospital it was actually a week I think after he went home with his parents and we met at a Starbucks. No one else seemed to matter but him he was so tiny in his car seat. He was just sleeping away ( The time when he had his days and nights mixed up). I took him out of his car seat almost afraid to even touch him as if he may break. I almost felt like a first time mom. But I just looked at him and I thought about how amazing he was.
The second time I got to see him was in December and now mind you I had only seen pictures of him up until the visit. Now yes a picture can be worth a million words, but nothing could have ever done justice for the way he looked sleeping on their hotel bed when I got there. I picked him up and he bigger than the last time I had my eyes on him. I just wanted to hold him and not put him down. The part that hit the heart was when he cried it wasn't me that he wanted to sooth his worries but his parents. After a few minutes of holding him and he started to open his eyes and he looked up at me as if he knew who I was all along. I am sure it was my voice he remembered. Through out the visit I think the only time I put him down was when he got in his car seat on the way to dinner. His little gins meant the world to me. I took them all in.
Oh now the third visit was a blast I got to see him on his own turf. When I got there he was sitting up playing with is toys on the floor. Wow can you believe it he was sitting up all by him self. I walked over to him to say hi and he just had the biggest grin ever. It was the toothless grin. We played all afternoon. I got to try and rock him to sleep, but he was not having a nap. He stayed up all day as if he to were trying to take all of us in before we would be gone for a few more months.
A few weeks ago I got to see him again. Time has gone by so fast. He went from sitting to now being mobile and is crawling all over the place and well the army crawl anyhow. Once again I just held him and not wanting to put him down. I some how try to make up for not holding him. The most amazing part was that when he got sleepy I rubbed his back and he fell asleep. Which was the first time I had done that since we were in the hospital together.
I will always treasure each visit. Its hard to beleive the next time I see him he will be a year old.

Blog Blocked

So the other day I get ready to check another moms blog and then write something that I had been thinking about at work...... Well wouldn't you know my work blocked both mine and hers. Now whats so funny about this is that there are a few other blogs that I had in my favorites which I would read every now and than but they didn't block them. If they only knew how helpful blogging can be.

The time of the season

I went to a street fair to day with my older son whom I parent and all around it seemed every where I looked were pregnant women and babies. How quick I was to forget that this is the time of year when all the pregnant women are out and about or at least showing the most. Anyhow it made me think that just a year ago I to was pregnant and out and about only my story was a little diffrent than most of the women I saw today and that being that they will most likely be taking their baby home where I left mine at the hospital with his new parents who will love him forever. But I remember how it felt to have ankles the size of baseballs if not bigger and the way it felt when he would move around in my tummy to let me know he was still there. its just strange to me that something like that could trigger so many emotions and I am not even sure what to do with them. I wonder with time does it get easier to see pregnant people with out reliving my own in my mind?

This is the greatest poem

I found this on line one day and as I read it it was a little tough but I hope all of you enjoy it as much as I did.
To My Son, Their SonBy: Jeska Kelly
I say "hello my little William,"as he rests beneath my heart.I'll say "good bye" to little Williamwhen it's time for us to part. I say "good night, sweet dreams, my angel."I lay my hand upon my chest,knowing it won't be me that tucks him inas he lays down to rest. I say "ouch, William, that sort of hurts"as he moves inside of me.But I won't be the one to dry his tearsand mend his first scraped knee.I say "relax, sweet boy" to Williamas he grows and jumps and turns,but I won't be there to calm himwhen he's faced with life's concerns.When he's got a dirty diaper,when he's crying late at night,when he sees a shadow monster,and he's up 'til 3 with fright…When he eats his first real bite of food, when he's learning how to crawl,when he's being taught to hold a batand how to throw a ball…It won't be me there with him.And though at times it makes me sad,I know that God has given him his home, his mom, his dad. We'll always be connected.He's grown beneath my heart so long that he's also grown into it!The bond is precious and it's strong.But I am not his mother. She lives miles and miles away,with his daddy, surrounded by family,who have been waiting for the daywhen they will hold their precious baby,when they will have their darling son,and to know I've born the answer to their prayersbrings peace when the day is done.And so I say to sweet, sweet William, as I prepare to see him leave my side, "I love you so much I'll let you go.It wasn't easy to decide…But God's got a big, big plan for you,He's got a home for you to make.He's just got a different last name,a different path for you to take. You are God's child first, And He'll put you in your place.From His hands, to mine, to your mom and dad's,through the power of His grace.I thank Him for your precious life.I thank Him for your dad and mom. But most of all I thank Him for the strengthto place you where you belong."

The nerve of some Adoptive moms

You see I am a member of another birthmom site and sure enough adoptive moms are allowed to post as well which isn't the problem but this one that I read last night didn't sit to well with me. It was about this lady who had adopted a little boy and how his mom choose a very closed adoption to the point that she didn't even hold him in the hospital. Which if thats how she needed to deal with the pain she was about to go through for the rest of her life by all means, we all have our own way about doing so. Now this adoptive mom was talking about how she was trying to track this woman down so that she may have a relationship with her son. Now for some its much easier to cut all contact and if thats what birthmoms decided that the adoptive family should respect that. So it goes on all to talk about how the mom moved and how the adoptive mom whats the agency to find her. And even to make things worse there is a birthmother feeding in to this ladys frenzy. Hello the mom made it very clear what she wanted. If she wanted a relationship than she would have picked an open adoption instead of closed. Get a clue already. She also went on to say how she didn't want her son to feel unloved. I am sure if she would explain just how much his first mom loved him than he will be okay and if and when he is old enough and wants to try and find his mom by all means thats his right and it will be her right at that time if she excepts the relationship or not. For birthmoms sometimes the pain is just to much no matter what kind of adoption they have. Just let them deal the way thats best for them not the way that the adoptive family thinks is right. I am not saying that all adoptive familys are bad as I know I have an amazing one and wouldn''t trade them for the world. They give me space when I need it and they are there when I need them.

T- Ball MOM's

This is my first season with any type of sport with my son as most you can't join until you enter Kindergaden, so this is my first time dealing with other moms in this setting or any other for that matter. So the first practice his dad takes him and I come straight from work and watch him from the side line. Wondering to myself if this is really something he sould be doing in the first place as I am sad to my self that he is growing so fast. Anyhow I try and make small talk with the moms around me and I am not much for chatting with people that I don't know in the first place, but I try and pipe in when I see a chance ony to get a funny look or a snide giggle. Now I should tell you there are two groups of moms and somehow I ended up in the middle....What was I thinking? So I dreaded other practices knowing I would be sitting there with those same women who knew each other before and didn't need a new comer to their group. So by the third practice I decided that I would just sit on the other bleachers away from them. I was doing good and then came a mom I dadn't seen in the other groups and she was up for chatting. We sat there cheering for our children and chatting about life. We left the game and went our own ways till the next practice. Where we meet on the same bleachers as the Monday before and to our surprise there came all those other moms and guess what they were nice and chatty. I judged them before I even had more than a few minutes to know them. So we all sat cheering for our children and trying to keep them after the ball instead of playing in the dirt.
So today was picture day and as the vote this last Monday we were to wear gray pants and the shirt and hat provided to us. Yes I had purchased pants before he started but I got white thinking they would be easier to clean, I now had to buy new pants for pictures. So when we show up I notice there are way more kids then there had been in all the practices there with our color shirts on and ready to be part of "Our Team" photo. Hmmm now let me get this right you don't have to come to practice and so now your kids pants don't match the rest of the "Team". I sure hope the coach steps up and says that if they havn't been to practice they don't get to play in the first game as it is unfair to the children who have been chasing that ball since day one. Yes I know its T-ball but there still has to be a line some where. Oh and better yet we are assigned partners for snacks at the games and lucky me I got paired with some one who has been to one practice as its been to hot for her to come to the other ones. So I am sure that if she can't give up something to come to practice what makes the coach so sure that she will even be able to be part of making a snake for the kids on game day?

What comes around goes around

This past Saturday I decided that I would wake up and drive to the ocean as my son and I had yet to make our first trip of the season which we usually make in March. So the sky is blue as blue can be and not a cloud in the sky.....lol...that is until we got to highway 101, where there was a huge cloud which followed us to the ocean. We were not going to let that stand in our way. Pulling on to the beach you could just smell the ocean air which was great. So we park the car and walk down the beach gathering the things that my son thought were neat and putting them in to the bag he brought. When he looks at me and states he needs to go potty. Which if any one know my son knows he always waits till the very last minute to go. Now mind you we still have to walk back to the car and then drive down off of the beach and down the street to find a restroom. So knowing that he needed to go soon I got this bright idea to drive back by the weeds in hopes knowing no one would see him. The sand looked safe and hard like the stuff we were driving on..... So I get about two yards in and wouldn't you know that the front emd of my car went right down in the sand and got stuck! Yes thats right I said I got my car stuck in the sand. So my son starts freaking out and still has to go to the bathroom. I try to dig my self out and have no luck but I do manage to get a bigger hole to be stuck in. So I now know that I am going to need to feel like an idiot and ask for help from some one that I didn't even know. To my amazement the most amazing couple saw me stuck and was walking toward me at that very moment. They told me how they had done the same thing once before, and that all I needed was some drift wood and I would be good to go. With their help and another kind couple, I was out in a matter of minutes and still had a little boy who needed to go potty. I than did what any mother of a four old would do. That is I pulled back down on to the hard sand and opened two doors and told him to aim down and stood so no one would see him. Thats what I should have done in the first place but oh no I had to try to make it less obvious. Then we went on to enjoy the rest of our time at the ocean.
So with that long winded story being told it leads me to today on may way into work. I was already late as nothing would fit right grrrr I hate mornings like that. So here I am going the back way to miss alot of lights and traffic and it seemed that others had the same thought so it was a little slow. I come up on one of the only lights on that road and sure enough there is a car stuck right at the light. And cars were beeping and going past just looking at the sorry sucker stuck in the broken down car. Well one thing I was taught as a child is that we help those who need help. I guess alot of people weren't taugh that these days. So I rolled down my window and ask the lady behind the wheel if she needed help and she was so greatful that I didn't keep driving like all those people before. After a few minutes I figured out how to get her to the side of the road and pushed her there. ( Let see yes that took a minute as I am usually the one in the broke down car needing help. So you would have thought that I would have learned something from those who have helped me, but yeah I didn't) So once there I got my car turned around to give her a jump only to find out that she nor I had jumper cables.....Lol... Yes we are both girls! So we flag some one else down and they offered to go get theirs from home. Yet after they hadn't returned in ten min we figured they had flaked on us and so we flaged another person down. Just as they hooked theirs up the first guy returned, which was very nice of him to follow thru with what he said he was going to do it just took him a few extra minutes to find them. After all that we all came to learn that it wasn't her battery at all but something no one had time to figure out at eight o clock in the morning. So, I offered her a ride to where she was going and then I was on my way.
No if I had been like every other person on that road this morning I would have passed up the chance to meet a nice lady about my age with her heart set on what she wanted to do in life. We had made small talk while we were thinking of what to do on the side of the road, and we both learned that people are self centered these days and just to focused on what they have going on to lend a hand to some one who is in clear need of help.
So offten we want some one to lend us the hand and we are greedy and end the chain with us. My day in turn turned out alot better knowing I made someone elses day just a little better by just asking "Do you need some help?".

Another Blog hits home

I am a faithful reader of another writers blog. Today it hit home to something that had crossed my mind, but I really didn't put to much thought in to it but its a thing that one day will be a reality. That being that if my sons parents adopt again I will no longer be the only mother. Which will mean another set of parents to visit with and another child to love. Though I know they will not love my son any less, I guess its the idea. Plus I think it will be great to have sibblings for my son so that he knows the bond of sibblings. In so many ways it is such a great thing. And how selfish of me to think I would be the only mom to bring them Joy. However I do have the Joy of being the FIRST mom to walk that road with them. I truely wish them all the best in what the future holds.

My calender said....

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.....Okay so I am one of those people who rips off the date on their calander to find a new saying each day. I just find it boring to see the same picture every day for a month that would just make me know even more that I sit in the same spot 5 days out of the week and watch life happen out the window. Any how back to the saying I have today. Okay so for any one who has read my blog before knows that I started going to therapy to talk about the adoption and everything else in life, well one of the things I hate about it is that it brings up old ghost from the past. I am the type of person who if something I don't care to remember happens I vent for a day or so and then I bury it in the back of my mind to forever be forgotten. But as therapist think we don't really ever for get about it. So when I read todays sayign it made me stop and think maybe just maybe if I talk openly about things that have happened instead of trying to bury them all the time in hopes it will just go away that I may just find peace. Because as much as I hate to admit that part of me most likely is harboring anger towards the person whom I think wronged me for what ever reason. So how many times have we found our selves just going over and over something in our mind until we think we can't possably think of another out come from it. So many times I know my self that I look back on the what if's and wonder what could I have done. I could just worry my self sick with those and somehow I am unable to stop. So I guess my question to my self is am I truely the one that is stopping my self from having peace?

Zombie

Ok so I kept my appointment with the therapist. After talking to her I realized just how screwed up my life is and has been for as long as I can remember. But thats not my point in this post my point is she gave me some meds to take. She said they would help me sleep and would help with my roller coaster of emotions that I am having. I can't beleive all these years I made it with out being on meds to just get back on them. So I have only been on them for two days now and I feel like a zombie. I feel so out of it like when I am sitting at work I see everything happening around me but have no will to get involved in anything I just can't wait to come home and climb under the covers. Now the good part is I sleep all night and no waking up and no looking at the ceiling wishing I could fall asleep. So I hope that it is possible to be medicated and feel "normal" at the same time.

Total Meltdown

Okay so I am the type of person who tryes not to let things or people get to me. But yet I some how find myself stuck and so angry with everyone around me and thats what happened this weekend. It had been one of those weeks where everything that could go wrong did and very little could go right. So Friday night I decided that I would find what I needed in the bottom of a vodka bottle. I was rude and mean to those that I was around and finally I had had enough and wanted to go home, which I did( I didn't drive I have already learned that lesson and do not wish to repeat it). So once home I passed out just to wake up sick as ever and stil angry. The next day wasn't much better as I was still praying to the toilet and getting even more angry. So finally the day was over and so I took some tylenol to sleep and drifted off. Well Sunday seemed to be the day that I finally couldn't hold any more in and I had just enough. I got in a huge fight with my boyfriend and said lots of stuff that I will never beable to take back. I didn't even mean half of it but every thing just kept building up. There has just been so much happen over the past year and really the only people who listen are those who are some what involved. So the agency that I went thru for my sons adoption promised a life time of counsling after placement what a bunch of bull. So for the first time in a long time I am going to counsling tomorrow. And the funny part is part of me wants to not go, but after yesterday I know I need to go. Honestly I think it scares the daylights out of me to even let some one close enough to listen to what I feel.

Nine Months Old today

Wow who would have guessed your little man could grow so fast? Each day it seems as if he is learning new things. I can't beleive that he is just about ready to start crawling when it seems like he should still be the little boy in my mind. Sometimes I find it hard that I miss alot of the first but than I think of all the joy it brings his parents.

First phone call with Birthfather since Birth.

Okay so every month on this day I become an emotional basket case and the reason being is on this day I gave birth to my son and was hit with reality that he was not coming home to me. I do not regrete my choice to place him. I just question all the events involved.
Today I had the chance to talk on the phone with my sons birthfather. Now this is the first time since my son was born. Lots of emotion involved. But most of all I felt his pain and I felt the grief that he was suffering. Now I am not saying that I know exactly what he is going thru as he is on a different side of the adoption that I am. But I know what its like to miss my son so much that it hurts and there being no one to turn to who truely understands. It was so nice to talk to someone who truely understood what I was saying and ment it. I know those I do talk to about my sons adoption mean well but its just some how different when they have been in your situation. Don't get me wrong I know one conversation doesn't make everything better, but I do hope that it is a start of a friendship that will make thing easier for our son to understand when he gets older. I just want everyone to be happy and get along, but then I know we are all human and make our own choices. I just want to be able to tell him all I know about our son and have peace in doing so.

I am so sick of the poor me crap the birth father is trying to pull.

Okay so last year after a one night stand I ended up pregnant, with a guys child whom I knew very little about other than a screen name on line. So when I realised that he was a possible birthfather I told him and in the same conversation I made it clear that I would place my child up for adoption. Thru out my pregnancy he was really no where to be found and when he did im me to say anything he would tell me that he supported my choice as he was not ready to be a dad. Well after giving birth he wanted to know about my sons parents and about my son and I answered all of his questions and he told me still he was glad that I put my son up for adoption as he was still not ready to be anyones dad. Shortly after talking to my sons parents he broke down and told his parents that I had his child and placed the baby up for adoption with out ever telling him. Sure thats why all the conversations on yahoo show that he thought it was a good idea up till he had to tell his mom. So with all that being said he thinks me and the adoptive parents planned all of this which is bazar to the least. As I didn't even know them before I met them thru the agency I used. So i think he needs to get over how he was ripped of all his rights in the wrong way. Hell I am the one that had to look like a complete slut and have an ad posted about me in the paper. Plus how much more clear could I be in saying you may be he father to my child..... ? Come on now the time for him to step up to the plate was prior to the birth and placement of my son. Not after my son had been with his family for 6 months.
Further more what about my rights as a mom who knew she was unable to give her son the life he needed? Was I supposed to end his life NO WAY. Did he stop and ask me if I wanted to give up my body to carry his child for nine months? Did he ask me if it was okay that my heart was ripped apart as I handed my son to his parents knowing I was doing the right thing and turn to walk away? Did he ask me if it was okay to be in pain for 25 hours before I pushed out and 8 plus pound baby? Did he ask me if it was okay that I would be okay to deal with strangers questions and my familys disappointment ?Where was he when I went back to work and people ask how my baby was doing and was he keeping me up all night and I had to say he was great and smile as I had no idea if he was up the night before. Where was he when I looked at my son and held him and told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was that I couldn't take him home? Yet he was to young to even understand? Where was he when I peed on the stick and it turned blue due to failed birthcontrol? Where was he when my feet were sweeled from water and heat ? Where was he when I had to explain to my other son why his brother wouldn't be coming home with me after he waited for 9 long months? Where was he when I got to see him post placement and look at him and realise that he had grown so much? Where was he when I woke up crying because I missed my child? Where was he when I was sick to my stomach and could function half of the time? Where was he when all I wanted to do after I went home was to hold a baby and there was none there to hold? Where was he when guys would freak out when I told them I was pregnant after asking if I wanted to do something ? How many odd looks did he get when his clothes didn't fit right? Where was he when the Dr. couldn't find my sons heart beat and I was scared to death? Where was he the first time I saw him on an ultra sound and heart the first heart beat with tear filled eyes? Where was he when people ask whats wrong ans you can't say because you miss your child so much but know with all your heart you gave him a chance? Where was he when i couldn't even look or enter the baby section in the store with out the need to leave to go cry? Where was he when I needed to hear it will be okay? I will tell you where he was off doing what ever 21 year old males do?
So what do I have to say about him and his pitty party that he is getting from the people around him GET OVER IT you made your choice no be a man for once and face up to it.

Why I want to blog

I have decided to start a blog and will later link it to my myspace page that I am creating for moms who are in a situation and are unsure of the choice they want to make. Sometimes it is hard to cope when you wake up one morning and are faced with an unplanned pregnacy. It can also be very scary. Yes we all make choices and somethimes they come back and bite us when we least expect it. I also hope by sharing my story that I will be able to help another mom who is faced with a decision to make. I wish that when I was going thru this I would have done more research and also found sites and read other moms stories and I think it would have helped some. I am not saying that I have all the answers but I have been there and thats a start and I will try to find the answers for any of you who may need it. I feel there is a need for more sites to offer resources and a place for moms to go to talk to other moms in the same boat as they are. Because when you go thru this weather its your first pregnancy or your 8th they are all different and life at the time of each is different. For those lookign to adopt out their child you may not know anyone else who has but I hope to put you in touch with others who have. People close to the situation sometimes have a way of making your decision that much harder so why not have some one who has no strings in it look at it and listen and try and help you get your head straight.