Open or Closed

When I first met with C to talk about my adoption I told her all I wanted were pictures and to be available when my child turned 18 to answer any questions they may have. She reminded me it wasn't something I had to decide today and had my whole pregnancy to decide.

Well when the dr. went to find the babies heart beat for the first time she couldn't find it and I was sent to have and ultra sound to make sure everything was okay. I started to worry what if the baby wasn't okay? All these things raced through my mind, and it was a few hours until they had an opening for an ultra sound. Finally it was time to go and ofc ourse they have you drink lots of fluid so the baby won't have much room to move, bad idea when your your bladder is the size of a pea any how. So as I layed back on the hospital bed the nurse plopped the cold gooe on my belly to start searching for the baby in my tummy. I layed there looking at the monitor hoping and praying every thing would be okay. Then the nurse found the baby and told me everything was just fine. I looked at the screen at the most amazing view in the world, and tears of happiness ran down my cheeks. I had shared with the nurse my choice to place my child up for adoption. She told me what a great thing I was doing.

Needless to say when I went back to see C I told her I wanted an adoption as open as the parents were comfortable with. I explained to her what had happened, and we went on to talk about the process of adoption. (this all happened before I met E & A).

For me Open was the way to go.

Somethings I wanted the E & A to be part of

Now I may look at adoption different than others but we are all entitled to our way of thinking about things. With that being said I wanted this pregnancy to be as if it were their own as much as possible. Meaning I wanted them to be at doctors visits when possible, and be there for the birth. Plus I felt that it brought us closer as parents than if I would have excluded them from these important moments of their child's beginning. I was a upset when the agency got the ultra sound days mixed up and they missed it and it was their chance to see their baby. And when E couldn't come to a visit to hear the heart beat I taped it and mailed it to him. They did make it to a few Dr. visits but the distance had a role in that. I talked to A online just about daily and if I didn't it felt strange. I wanted to tell her as much as I could about who I was and where I had come from so she would know where her baby came from. There were laughs and tears shared over those months. If was great getting to know both of them. Eventually we moved from the computer to the phone. I had so much I needed to tell them and such a short time.

Meeting the parents

Meeting the parents in more like a blind date when you think about it. Because both of you know only what you have heard from someone else, and you go in to it hoping the best and not knowing the outcome.
The day finally came when I got the call saying that I could meet the couple from the book. I was so nervous and excited. I had made a list of all the questions I wanted to ask so I would be sure not to forget any.I worked half a day and left early so I could make it on time. I arrived a little early to the office, and I sat in the car hoping to catch a glance of a couple who I would soon be talking to. But of course the baby on the bladder got the best of me and I had to head on before I noticed any one looking around like me. As I sat in the office and waited for their arrival I read a pamphlet in the office about moms who had been down the road before me and gave me some hope that in the end it would be ok. All of a sudden the door opened and in came the couple from the book. They were so warm and friendly from the moment they came in the door. We then went back in to the room where we would get to know each other. With in a few minutes it was as if we had known each other forever and weren't just meeting for the first time. Time went by so quickly. E & A were able to answer all the questions from my list in which I forgot at my office. Our views on parenting were alot alike.

Now in this visit I brought a gift and a card as it was just before mothers day and I wrote a letter to A and gave her a duck for a baby, because before meeting them in person I didn't know if in person we would like each other but I wanted her to know that she was thought of through her process of becoming a mom. They also gave me a necklace that had a big heart and a little heart in the beginning which represented me and the baby I was carrying. I put the locket on the next day and wore it for months after I delivered my son. The day I took it off my heart dropped. (More in another blog)

Afterwards we each talked to our counselors and I left before they did as I had my son to get home to. I also wanted to share with everyone I knew about the parents my child would be growing up with.

The next day I called C and told her I wanted that couple to be my babies parents. So she said that I could be the one to tell them. I wrote them a letter about what I wanted and how great it was to meet them and I included a pink and a blue sock, and mailed it to them.

Looking back on this it a day that will always be in my mind. But something I suggest to any one about to meet the parents for the first time is don't be afraid to ask any of the questions you want to know. Remember if you choose them you will know them the rest of your life and now is the time to find out their views not after they are parenting your child and you all of a sudden don't like what they are doing because than its to late as its not your choice on how they parent their child. It doesn't matter how big or small the answer may seem even if the answer is obvious.

The first steps in adoption

I knew in my mind as I said in my previous post that I knew I was going to give my baby up for adoption from a few weeks in to my pregnancy. But what I didn't know is where to go to get all of it started. So I turned to my co- worker J for advice since she the previous year placed her son up for adoption and knew the challenges I was about to face. She gave be a number to a lady at BCS and I called her a few days later to make an appointment. I was so nervous on the other end of that phone, but I explained who I was and how I had come across her number. So we decided on a day to meet and we talked about me and what my plans were and what I wanted out of the adoption. In the same visit she also told me that she normally didn't get the chance to meet girls this early on in their pregnancy's, but I assured her that I was here because I had no other choice. She also told me how to get health insurance since I didn't have any. She kept telling me what an amazing thing I was doing and I knew it was a good thing but yet my heart kept saying something completely different, I felt like I was being a chicken to face up to what I had done.

I met with C twice and on the second visit I was ready to pick the parents who would raise my child as their own. I looked for what seemed like hours and than I came up on a book of a couple who was local they had no other children and were in their late twenties early thirties. She was to be a stay at home mom and he was in the air force. I told C this is who I wanted she said ok and would be in touch with their counselor. I had to wait though since I wasn't past the miscarriage stage and I had to be past that before I could meet them. After passing that stage I got a call form C saying that they had already been placed with a baby. I know I should have just been happy but my heart ached as I thought they were the ones.

Back to square one on looking no one seemed to be what I wanted and yes I had every right to be as picky as I wanted to be, because they were the ones my child loved more than anything. Most of all I wanted ordinary people just like me in some ways. So after hours of looking at books and thinking I was out of luck I came down to the last book and found this amazing couple who looked fun and well rounded they had support and most of all in their book when they were with other children they were both glowing. They were so full of what I wanted my child to have. I knew I wanted them to be my childs parents. But yet C said I should take their book and another couples book home that I had liked and think about it until I was really sure. The whole night I could not get that couple out of my head. So the next day I took both books to work and told them what I liked about each couple and ask what they thought. Now mind you I am just going by pictures and what they have written about them selves. So by the end of the day I knew for sure that the couple I couldn't get out of my head were the ones. I told C the next day and she ask if I was sure and I was.