Do yolu ever wake up and wish you hadn't

When you wake up in the morning do you ever find your self wishing that you could close your eyes to not wake up. You know that everyday you do the same thing and nothing changes, but you keep going not ever knowing why. I know God has a plan for all of us but sometimes its easy to loose sight of it. Sometimes life just keeps kicking you no matter how many times you think you will get ahead life has this funny way of kicking you 10 feet back. I see other people who are so happy and I have no idea what I am doing so wrong that I can't seem to get that way my self. I am beginning to believe happiness is for other people. I have realized that people are not always what them seem at first and I for one am not a good judge of Charter. I realize I will have my heart broken over and over, and I will break some ones heart not meaning to. I also know I am just burnt out. I am sick of trying to be responsible all the time. I but yet it always seems to get in the way of the things that matter in life. I know I will work through this as I always do, but when will it ever get to the point ten steps back doesn't feel so bad?

Visit home

For most of my teenage years I could wait to get as far away from the town I grew up in, and I didn't care if I ever went back. Well, as an adult I realized that sometimes you just need to go home and regroup your thoughts and visit people who are familiar to you. So last month I made the flight home with two kids in tow to visit our family. Who most I don't speak to. But my grandma is there and I love seeing her, and remembering what it was like to be a kid and go to her house. My heart aches at times as I want my kids to know that feeling and they won't as we live thousands of miles away. After an all night flight we finally got our rental car and made the two hour drive to my grandma's house. It was a great feeling to wrap my arms around her and hug her, and feel her arms around me. Long needed I tell ya. This was the woman who took care of me when my mom couldn't over the years for what ever the reason. I took tons of pictures of her and the kids as I have no idea when we will see her again. Plus she will never come out to the west to see where we live as she doesn't travel that far. I also got to see my aunts and uncles and cousins. It was great for the most part, then you have the few people who assume that you will spend every minute of your vacation with you and when you don't they just can't understand why. Really all I wanted to do was relax, sleep in and do what ever I wanted for a week, with out a house to clean. We stayed in a cabin that only had power by a generator and it was great just like camping (we showered at my aunts). The kids played bad mitten, and caught tad poles and frogs and fed a baby pig. All while enjoying time with family they don't see much. I also remembered on my trip back to my house why I live so far away and only visit occasionaly, which is I can't stand half the people back there as they are selfish. I also want my kids to know that there is more out there past the edge of town, and I want them to dream big. I want my kids to be determined to make a great life for them selves and break the cycle that our family has done for years. But I would give anything to be able to sit on my grandma's porch and have a cup of coffee with her right now.

People in our lives

I have come to realize people come and go from our lives and that our lives change as we grow and become wise. I have realized that some people that I thought were my friends were only for the wrong reason or because I have this void in my life where I needed to help someone so I would try to be a friend to some one who I thought needed help, only to find it to be draining to me. So I have cleared my life of them, and I am trying to not get sucked back to that type of friendship. I want friends who are there when the going is good or when it is not going so hot. I want friends who I can trust with anything and and try and use what ever I tell them in confidence against me when something in the friendship goes amuck. I want someone who is honest, trusting and who has goals in life. Not someone who thinks the world owes them something, and a person who can take responsibility for their actions as an adult and not place blame. I have cut ties since my mom passed away with a few people who I thought were my friends, but turned out not to be the kind of friend I needed. It wasn't easy and it took some time, but I know that one day I will have great friends like the few I have now who mean the world to me.

Life with a ten year old.

It's now been 3 1/2 months since my brother came to live with me. The world of ten year olds is so new to me. I mean they are looking at girls and telling me he likes one of them and of course I say girlfriends at your age isn't a good idea. He is also self sufficient for the most part which then makes me think he isn't a child, but in my head I know he is and needs to beloved like all children deserve. But then when I look at him I see a child that is older and can do it him self. Its an on going battle with my mind. Weird I know. I am also getting to the point where I can hug him and tell him I love him and I mean it, and its not just because he wants to hear it. I also see my mother instincts come out when I think some one is letting him down or has the chance to so I step in and try to stop it before they do. They think I am the bad guy, but I am just protecting a child that doesn' t need any more disappointment in his life right now. SO we are making it and I know it takes time and that we have some on our side I hope and one day we will look back on this and laugh.

How many kids do you have?

This is an easy question but so hard to answer. Most of the time I answer 2 with out even thinking. I mean I really do have two but only raise one. Sometimes I explain it but that gets tough sometimes. Or if I don't and people are like wow you do all that and have a two year old and I feel bad because then I feel the need to tell them I don't raise him, but I just leave it be and they think I am super woman. Bad I know but I just can't bring my self to say I only have one, even after all this time.