Zombie

Ok so I kept my appointment with the therapist. After talking to her I realized just how screwed up my life is and has been for as long as I can remember. But thats not my point in this post my point is she gave me some meds to take. She said they would help me sleep and would help with my roller coaster of emotions that I am having. I can't beleive all these years I made it with out being on meds to just get back on them. So I have only been on them for two days now and I feel like a zombie. I feel so out of it like when I am sitting at work I see everything happening around me but have no will to get involved in anything I just can't wait to come home and climb under the covers. Now the good part is I sleep all night and no waking up and no looking at the ceiling wishing I could fall asleep. So I hope that it is possible to be medicated and feel "normal" at the same time.

Total Meltdown

Okay so I am the type of person who tryes not to let things or people get to me. But yet I some how find myself stuck and so angry with everyone around me and thats what happened this weekend. It had been one of those weeks where everything that could go wrong did and very little could go right. So Friday night I decided that I would find what I needed in the bottom of a vodka bottle. I was rude and mean to those that I was around and finally I had had enough and wanted to go home, which I did( I didn't drive I have already learned that lesson and do not wish to repeat it). So once home I passed out just to wake up sick as ever and stil angry. The next day wasn't much better as I was still praying to the toilet and getting even more angry. So finally the day was over and so I took some tylenol to sleep and drifted off. Well Sunday seemed to be the day that I finally couldn't hold any more in and I had just enough. I got in a huge fight with my boyfriend and said lots of stuff that I will never beable to take back. I didn't even mean half of it but every thing just kept building up. There has just been so much happen over the past year and really the only people who listen are those who are some what involved. So the agency that I went thru for my sons adoption promised a life time of counsling after placement what a bunch of bull. So for the first time in a long time I am going to counsling tomorrow. And the funny part is part of me wants to not go, but after yesterday I know I need to go. Honestly I think it scares the daylights out of me to even let some one close enough to listen to what I feel.