What kind of person have you become?

The other day as I sat and reflected in the year that is slowly coming to an end I realized there were tons of things I wish I would have done, but didn't for what ever reason. I don't want next year to be the same. I want to take more risk and not always think of what might happen. Who really cares what happens if I fall I will just get back up and try again. I want to be less responsible ( I don't mean I want to make careless choices). I mean I get more stress because I worry about what the right choice is. I look at these people who look carefree, and their life is pretty together. If I want to go camping I should. If I want to eat take out for a week I should. If I want a shirt I should buy it. If I don't want to be friends with some one I shouldn't. I just don't want to be so afraid to take a risk. I also want to slow down and enjoy life. I mean what difference does it make if I am ten minutes early or just on time? And I don't want to have to explain why all the time.
So here is to a better person in 2008!

Old age is catching me.....

The other say as I stood in front of the mirror doing my hair I catch a glimpse of my second gray hair. Now the other one I had found a week earlier I just pulled out thinking maybe I was just seeing things. I also noticed wrinkles on my forehead in which I didn't have before. I can't believe what the mirror is showing me. I thought I would never get old and here at twenty five I have my second gray hair and wrinkles.

What did I do so wrong?

This morning my neighbor ask my boyfriend if we had a baby because her brother dropped off some formula and she wouldn't have a baby for another 4 months.
So usually I am fine hearing that someone is expecting and I am actually happy for them because they get to experience motherhood and all the wonderful things it offers. But today is not one of those days. I already question this ladies parenting skills with the child she already has. Now I am in no way saying I am a saint of a parent because Lord knows I have made tons of mistakes raising my own child. At first the thought of her having a baby didn't bother me but as I sat there thinking of the kind of parent she is, I started to wonder why. Why is it okay for people like her to have baby after baby and keep them and I can't. I am a good mom and yet I had to give my baby to some one else because I couldn't care for him. And this lady gets to wake up every night by the crying of her new baby. I am not jealous all I want to know is why. Why is it okay for some people to have all that it takes to have a baby and why is it not for others. I understand that it takes a strong person to do what I did and all the mothers before me and those who will follow.
Now I live in fear of ever having another child for the fear that my child that I placed will somehow think I didn't love him enough to keep him. Which isn't the case at all.