I should have part of this down by now since its been almost a year since I gave my son up for adoption and a year since he went home with his parents. But.... here is what I don't know is how do you balance all the people on the same balance beam when every ones role and feelings are so different. I mean at times it feels as if we are all in a boat and the waves are coming in and yet we feel like there is nothing we can do to help make the boat stable with out hurting some one on the boat. I know that there have been moms before me who have gone through this and made it and I also know there are moms who are in this with me and have no idea what to do. So what I mean by all of this is how do you keep the feelings of the adoptive family in check and those of the birth father in check and those of your child whom you placed up for adoption and those of the child you are still raising and your own feelings in check and are able to do this with out being so stress and feeling like you are letting some one down along the way.
I feel as if my future choices of a family are based on the feelings of a child who I don't want to feel unwanted and unloved because that was never and will never be the case.
Then I have the feelings of a child that I raise and ( that's a topic for a later blog).
The feelings of the birth father, even though we make small talk and try to convey our feelings I am not sure that either of us have just come out and said what we thought of the other person. I feel bad sometimes when I talk to him as I know the most up to date information on our son and sometimes hold back sharing because I may hit a nerve.
The feelings of the adoptive parents play a huge role. I don't want to over step any boundary's there as they are the closest people to my son. I don't want to ever sound naive or over bearing. there are lots more but I just don't know how to spit it out.
The last but not least come your feelings on how do tell your self everyday that this was the best choice to have been made and there were no other options. You feelings of Jealousy when you see another mother and her child and ask your self why her and not me?
At some point this all clicks together right?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Dang, I know exactly what you are talking about. Fortunately I don't have to deal with the bdad or another child, but it is still hard.
Not sure if I'll ever really get the hang of it. Just taking it day by day!
love ya :)
All of these feelings.... I understand, Really I do. Both of my daughters(one that I parent..the other that I don't), their families and the icky birthfather. Its really tough to sort out sometimes isn't it? But I have found that to talk about it all has helped me the most. We are gonna make it through together. You are not alone.... Jamie
Thanks two both of you! Just sometimes I wonder when the feelings just even out. Its nice to know that I can come here and vent on things.
Post a Comment