When I first met with C to talk about my adoption I told her all I wanted were pictures and to be available when my child turned 18 to answer any questions they may have. She reminded me it wasn't something I had to decide today and had my whole pregnancy to decide.
Well when the dr. went to find the babies heart beat for the first time she couldn't find it and I was sent to have and ultra sound to make sure everything was okay. I started to worry what if the baby wasn't okay? All these things raced through my mind, and it was a few hours until they had an opening for an ultra sound. Finally it was time to go and ofc ourse they have you drink lots of fluid so the baby won't have much room to move, bad idea when your your bladder is the size of a pea any how. So as I layed back on the hospital bed the nurse plopped the cold gooe on my belly to start searching for the baby in my tummy. I layed there looking at the monitor hoping and praying every thing would be okay. Then the nurse found the baby and told me everything was just fine. I looked at the screen at the most amazing view in the world, and tears of happiness ran down my cheeks. I had shared with the nurse my choice to place my child up for adoption. She told me what a great thing I was doing.
Needless to say when I went back to see C I told her I wanted an adoption as open as the parents were comfortable with. I explained to her what had happened, and we went on to talk about the process of adoption. (this all happened before I met E & A).
For me Open was the way to go.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Somethings I wanted the E & A to be part of
Now I may look at adoption different than others but we are all entitled to our way of thinking about things. With that being said I wanted this pregnancy to be as if it were their own as much as possible. Meaning I wanted them to be at doctors visits when possible, and be there for the birth. Plus I felt that it brought us closer as parents than if I would have excluded them from these important moments of their child's beginning. I was a upset when the agency got the ultra sound days mixed up and they missed it and it was their chance to see their baby. And when E couldn't come to a visit to hear the heart beat I taped it and mailed it to him. They did make it to a few Dr. visits but the distance had a role in that. I talked to A online just about daily and if I didn't it felt strange. I wanted to tell her as much as I could about who I was and where I had come from so she would know where her baby came from. There were laughs and tears shared over those months. If was great getting to know both of them. Eventually we moved from the computer to the phone. I had so much I needed to tell them and such a short time.
Meeting the parents
Meeting the parents in more like a blind date when you think about it. Because both of you know only what you have heard from someone else, and you go in to it hoping the best and not knowing the outcome.
The day finally came when I got the call saying that I could meet the couple from the book. I was so nervous and excited. I had made a list of all the questions I wanted to ask so I would be sure not to forget any.I worked half a day and left early so I could make it on time. I arrived a little early to the office, and I sat in the car hoping to catch a glance of a couple who I would soon be talking to. But of course the baby on the bladder got the best of me and I had to head on before I noticed any one looking around like me. As I sat in the office and waited for their arrival I read a pamphlet in the office about moms who had been down the road before me and gave me some hope that in the end it would be ok. All of a sudden the door opened and in came the couple from the book. They were so warm and friendly from the moment they came in the door. We then went back in to the room where we would get to know each other. With in a few minutes it was as if we had known each other forever and weren't just meeting for the first time. Time went by so quickly. E & A were able to answer all the questions from my list in which I forgot at my office. Our views on parenting were alot alike.
Now in this visit I brought a gift and a card as it was just before mothers day and I wrote a letter to A and gave her a duck for a baby, because before meeting them in person I didn't know if in person we would like each other but I wanted her to know that she was thought of through her process of becoming a mom. They also gave me a necklace that had a big heart and a little heart in the beginning which represented me and the baby I was carrying. I put the locket on the next day and wore it for months after I delivered my son. The day I took it off my heart dropped. (More in another blog)
Afterwards we each talked to our counselors and I left before they did as I had my son to get home to. I also wanted to share with everyone I knew about the parents my child would be growing up with.
The next day I called C and told her I wanted that couple to be my babies parents. So she said that I could be the one to tell them. I wrote them a letter about what I wanted and how great it was to meet them and I included a pink and a blue sock, and mailed it to them.
Looking back on this it a day that will always be in my mind. But something I suggest to any one about to meet the parents for the first time is don't be afraid to ask any of the questions you want to know. Remember if you choose them you will know them the rest of your life and now is the time to find out their views not after they are parenting your child and you all of a sudden don't like what they are doing because than its to late as its not your choice on how they parent their child. It doesn't matter how big or small the answer may seem even if the answer is obvious.
The day finally came when I got the call saying that I could meet the couple from the book. I was so nervous and excited. I had made a list of all the questions I wanted to ask so I would be sure not to forget any.I worked half a day and left early so I could make it on time. I arrived a little early to the office, and I sat in the car hoping to catch a glance of a couple who I would soon be talking to. But of course the baby on the bladder got the best of me and I had to head on before I noticed any one looking around like me. As I sat in the office and waited for their arrival I read a pamphlet in the office about moms who had been down the road before me and gave me some hope that in the end it would be ok. All of a sudden the door opened and in came the couple from the book. They were so warm and friendly from the moment they came in the door. We then went back in to the room where we would get to know each other. With in a few minutes it was as if we had known each other forever and weren't just meeting for the first time. Time went by so quickly. E & A were able to answer all the questions from my list in which I forgot at my office. Our views on parenting were alot alike.
Now in this visit I brought a gift and a card as it was just before mothers day and I wrote a letter to A and gave her a duck for a baby, because before meeting them in person I didn't know if in person we would like each other but I wanted her to know that she was thought of through her process of becoming a mom. They also gave me a necklace that had a big heart and a little heart in the beginning which represented me and the baby I was carrying. I put the locket on the next day and wore it for months after I delivered my son. The day I took it off my heart dropped. (More in another blog)
Afterwards we each talked to our counselors and I left before they did as I had my son to get home to. I also wanted to share with everyone I knew about the parents my child would be growing up with.
The next day I called C and told her I wanted that couple to be my babies parents. So she said that I could be the one to tell them. I wrote them a letter about what I wanted and how great it was to meet them and I included a pink and a blue sock, and mailed it to them.
Looking back on this it a day that will always be in my mind. But something I suggest to any one about to meet the parents for the first time is don't be afraid to ask any of the questions you want to know. Remember if you choose them you will know them the rest of your life and now is the time to find out their views not after they are parenting your child and you all of a sudden don't like what they are doing because than its to late as its not your choice on how they parent their child. It doesn't matter how big or small the answer may seem even if the answer is obvious.
Monday, August 27, 2007
The first steps in adoption
I knew in my mind as I said in my previous post that I knew I was going to give my baby up for adoption from a few weeks in to my pregnancy. But what I didn't know is where to go to get all of it started. So I turned to my co- worker J for advice since she the previous year placed her son up for adoption and knew the challenges I was about to face. She gave be a number to a lady at BCS and I called her a few days later to make an appointment. I was so nervous on the other end of that phone, but I explained who I was and how I had come across her number. So we decided on a day to meet and we talked about me and what my plans were and what I wanted out of the adoption. In the same visit she also told me that she normally didn't get the chance to meet girls this early on in their pregnancy's, but I assured her that I was here because I had no other choice. She also told me how to get health insurance since I didn't have any. She kept telling me what an amazing thing I was doing and I knew it was a good thing but yet my heart kept saying something completely different, I felt like I was being a chicken to face up to what I had done.
I met with C twice and on the second visit I was ready to pick the parents who would raise my child as their own. I looked for what seemed like hours and than I came up on a book of a couple who was local they had no other children and were in their late twenties early thirties. She was to be a stay at home mom and he was in the air force. I told C this is who I wanted she said ok and would be in touch with their counselor. I had to wait though since I wasn't past the miscarriage stage and I had to be past that before I could meet them. After passing that stage I got a call form C saying that they had already been placed with a baby. I know I should have just been happy but my heart ached as I thought they were the ones.
Back to square one on looking no one seemed to be what I wanted and yes I had every right to be as picky as I wanted to be, because they were the ones my child loved more than anything. Most of all I wanted ordinary people just like me in some ways. So after hours of looking at books and thinking I was out of luck I came down to the last book and found this amazing couple who looked fun and well rounded they had support and most of all in their book when they were with other children they were both glowing. They were so full of what I wanted my child to have. I knew I wanted them to be my childs parents. But yet C said I should take their book and another couples book home that I had liked and think about it until I was really sure. The whole night I could not get that couple out of my head. So the next day I took both books to work and told them what I liked about each couple and ask what they thought. Now mind you I am just going by pictures and what they have written about them selves. So by the end of the day I knew for sure that the couple I couldn't get out of my head were the ones. I told C the next day and she ask if I was sure and I was.
I met with C twice and on the second visit I was ready to pick the parents who would raise my child as their own. I looked for what seemed like hours and than I came up on a book of a couple who was local they had no other children and were in their late twenties early thirties. She was to be a stay at home mom and he was in the air force. I told C this is who I wanted she said ok and would be in touch with their counselor. I had to wait though since I wasn't past the miscarriage stage and I had to be past that before I could meet them. After passing that stage I got a call form C saying that they had already been placed with a baby. I know I should have just been happy but my heart ached as I thought they were the ones.
Back to square one on looking no one seemed to be what I wanted and yes I had every right to be as picky as I wanted to be, because they were the ones my child loved more than anything. Most of all I wanted ordinary people just like me in some ways. So after hours of looking at books and thinking I was out of luck I came down to the last book and found this amazing couple who looked fun and well rounded they had support and most of all in their book when they were with other children they were both glowing. They were so full of what I wanted my child to have. I knew I wanted them to be my childs parents. But yet C said I should take their book and another couples book home that I had liked and think about it until I was really sure. The whole night I could not get that couple out of my head. So the next day I took both books to work and told them what I liked about each couple and ask what they thought. Now mind you I am just going by pictures and what they have written about them selves. So by the end of the day I knew for sure that the couple I couldn't get out of my head were the ones. I told C the next day and she ask if I was sure and I was.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Finding out I was pregnant
The first few weeks of January were fine and I felt just a little more tired than normal which was not that unusual for me but than I just felt more bloated than I normaly do before I get my period. Then I started feeling super sick but yet could throw up. I decided to take a test and just see who knows why but some how when I am pregnant I just know, I did and sure enough it said pregnant, of course I had to do another one just to make sure. Tears filled my eyes and I didn't know what I was going to do.
You see I had seperated from my husband in October and the divorce wasn't even final, but I new it was over. I had also been dating this guy who the more we were together the more I realised he was a fruit cake. Then there was the Marine I meet the night before Christmas and had a fling with because I need to not let my life get boring. I also needed to feel like I was in control of my life and that it was me making choices for myself and not someone else like had been going on all of my life. Now I know the child was not my soon to be ex husbands. So I figured it was the guy I had been seeing , but I didn't want to have a baby with him hell he already had a son and I was pretty sure had nothing to do with him. So I decided to keep it a secret for as long as I could . As for the Marine I had forgot all about it until he sent me a message when I was three months along.
I had researched my options of keeping my son. I went to DSHS to see if I could get WIC and daycare asstance and with out even blinking the girl behind th ecounter said I wouldn't qualify. So I knew there would be no way I would beable to care for this baby I was carring. Then my mind went to abortion and I couldn't come to bring myself to do it ( another blog about why later). Then I decided from that moment I would place my baby up for adoption. I never than thought about keeping my baby.
I decided to tell my friend because we tell each other everything, and really I didn't know what to do or how to tell the possible father. She was disapointed that I had desided to give my baby up for adoption. But it was my choice to make and not hers. I was not going to make another bad choice.
I called and ask the guy to come over and help me with somthing and he did and I then told him I was pregnant and that I decided that I was placing the child up for adoption. He really didn't have anything to say no questions nothing. That was the last time I talked to him or even saw him. Must be nice to just walk the other way and pretend life isn't happening, and that you aren't the one who may have screwed some one elses life up.
I also had to tell my family that I was pregnant and their first reaction was that I needed to move home. Yeah like that would fix anything it would just make it worse. I couldn't wait to grow up and get as far from there as I could. No way was I going to subject my children to their way of living. They were furious when I said I was placing my child up for adoption. Then my one aunt even had the nerve to say that I was being like my mother who walked out on me and my brothers and left us for the man she was dating and the drugs she couldn't live with out. My other aunt even offered to adopt my baby. Don't get me wrong my family has some good in it just I choose to parent a lot diffrent than they do and I have every right to. They could only tell me what a horrible thing I was doing. So I stopped talking to them. They didn't liek my choice because they weren't making it for me. I didn't answer there calls nor did I return them. But they just couldn't stop so they called my soon to be ex husband and had to share all of this with him. I didn't want to tell him he wanted children one day and I didn't I mean I thought I did when we first got together, but then I learn one was enough for me.
So now I had to hear it from him I just put it plain and simple it was my life and I would do with it as I pleased, and if they called back to tell them I was fine and had no need to talk to them any more until they could see things my way.
So yes I was only a month pregnant when I found out and in that same month I decided to place my child for adoption and when against what everyone else believed was best for me.
You see I had seperated from my husband in October and the divorce wasn't even final, but I new it was over. I had also been dating this guy who the more we were together the more I realised he was a fruit cake. Then there was the Marine I meet the night before Christmas and had a fling with because I need to not let my life get boring. I also needed to feel like I was in control of my life and that it was me making choices for myself and not someone else like had been going on all of my life. Now I know the child was not my soon to be ex husbands. So I figured it was the guy I had been seeing , but I didn't want to have a baby with him hell he already had a son and I was pretty sure had nothing to do with him. So I decided to keep it a secret for as long as I could . As for the Marine I had forgot all about it until he sent me a message when I was three months along.
I had researched my options of keeping my son. I went to DSHS to see if I could get WIC and daycare asstance and with out even blinking the girl behind th ecounter said I wouldn't qualify. So I knew there would be no way I would beable to care for this baby I was carring. Then my mind went to abortion and I couldn't come to bring myself to do it ( another blog about why later). Then I decided from that moment I would place my baby up for adoption. I never than thought about keeping my baby.
I decided to tell my friend because we tell each other everything, and really I didn't know what to do or how to tell the possible father. She was disapointed that I had desided to give my baby up for adoption. But it was my choice to make and not hers. I was not going to make another bad choice.
I called and ask the guy to come over and help me with somthing and he did and I then told him I was pregnant and that I decided that I was placing the child up for adoption. He really didn't have anything to say no questions nothing. That was the last time I talked to him or even saw him. Must be nice to just walk the other way and pretend life isn't happening, and that you aren't the one who may have screwed some one elses life up.
I also had to tell my family that I was pregnant and their first reaction was that I needed to move home. Yeah like that would fix anything it would just make it worse. I couldn't wait to grow up and get as far from there as I could. No way was I going to subject my children to their way of living. They were furious when I said I was placing my child up for adoption. Then my one aunt even had the nerve to say that I was being like my mother who walked out on me and my brothers and left us for the man she was dating and the drugs she couldn't live with out. My other aunt even offered to adopt my baby. Don't get me wrong my family has some good in it just I choose to parent a lot diffrent than they do and I have every right to. They could only tell me what a horrible thing I was doing. So I stopped talking to them. They didn't liek my choice because they weren't making it for me. I didn't answer there calls nor did I return them. But they just couldn't stop so they called my soon to be ex husband and had to share all of this with him. I didn't want to tell him he wanted children one day and I didn't I mean I thought I did when we first got together, but then I learn one was enough for me.
So now I had to hear it from him I just put it plain and simple it was my life and I would do with it as I pleased, and if they called back to tell them I was fine and had no need to talk to them any more until they could see things my way.
So yes I was only a month pregnant when I found out and in that same month I decided to place my child for adoption and when against what everyone else believed was best for me.
Over the next few weeks
I would like to write my story about the adoption process and how I got to where I am today with all of it. Because on September 12th its my sons first birthday. It is also a mile stone for all of us that are part of his life. I would like to share my story with all of you and I hope that you enjoy reading it.
You never know who all has been touched by adoption.
The other day I went to the dentist, and I got chatting with the girl at the counter well it came out that she was adopted. Well I love to talk about adoption as some times it feels like it helps me better understand my choice, but most of all I get a view from all sides. She didn't really say that when she was adopted but she did say that she has never met her mom and that her mom had written a book telling her as much as she could about her., by this point I was almost in tears because thats how I am when I hear some one elses story. We went on and she said that she wasn't sure if she ever wanted to meet her mom because she didn't feel as if she hadn't ever been loved by her adoptive parents. She said that her birth mom has went on to for get her. Now being on the moms side of this whole thing I felt the need to make it clear that she didn't forget about her and told her that she loved her so much to give her life. I also told her that I am sure that there is not a day that goes past that she doesn't think of her and wonder what she is doing or if she is okay. She said she knew her mom loved her but she just thought it might be to hard. Before I left she told me she thinks she wants to try and find a sister she knows she has and than maybe her mom. I was so excited for her and for her and her birthfamily. I know she may never do it but than again she might. But she did ask me if I knew anyone that could help and I said yes. Now I just have to find the courage to call that person and ask her to help this girl.
The neat thing is that just by looking at some one we just don't know how their life started out.
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