A Prayer for "S"

Lately I have been working with S to find parents for her little girl. Well, yesterday she went into labor and had her little girl. I am asking for prayers so that God will be with her in this difficult time as she hands her baby over to the new parents. Thank you for your prayers.

Huge Summer

Summer time is time for a kid to be a kid. Before you know it though school is starting and you are looking at a child who is now at least 4 inches taller and talking about legos and Star Wars and games he is playing on the WII. However, when you look back on the Summer your child seemed to develop in to this person while you were left standing still. This summer was huge in our house. For one Jacob learned how to swim in June with out flotaion devices. Which pulls from the heart string. Okay one major thing okay I can deal with that. But then in July he told me he didn't want his traning wheels on his bike anymore as he could do it like the other kids. WOW! Then a week before school starts back up he comes to me because he learned something new and is excited to show you. I stand and watch as he unties his shoe and ties it back. I hold back tears and tell him how proud I am of him. He just beams with enthusiasm. So in one summer my baby was turned from a little man to I can do it I am a big boy sorry mom. If only I could shrink him down to a baby again and start all over!

Most amazing sound!

When I tlak to A on the phone I can always here Jadon in the back ground gibbering and he always trys to talk on the phone and the most I have ever gotten was Hi or fish! But still they are great words when you haven't heard him talk. Well the other day we were talking about his birthday and she put him on the phone and the Hi this time was super clear. Then......He said luv you! My heart melted! I couldn't believe that he was telling me that he loved me! They were the greatest words ever and so heart felt. So when I see him Saturday I am hoping to teach him my name! One day he will talk up a storm but for now I can hear it over and over and my heart will still feel like its the first time.

Tomorrow is his 2nd Birthday

It's hard to believe that two years ago today I was in labor, and that tomorrow I would give birth to an amazing little boy! Last year I was a little tough for me, so this year I am taking the day off and staying home. I have all day to get what ever it is out of my system. Because Saturday morning I am meeting him for breakfast! Which I am on cloud nine about. I haven't seen him since April and in his pictures he has changed so much. We are going to the zoo for his birthday which I hear he is in to animals so this should be a great trip! My friend S has offered her shoulder so that if I need one it will be available. She is so great! I got to talk to A today to get final details about the trip and also about how she is with her little man growing up. I am glad I can talk to her when I need to about this little guy!

Do yolu ever wake up and wish you hadn't

When you wake up in the morning do you ever find your self wishing that you could close your eyes to not wake up. You know that everyday you do the same thing and nothing changes, but you keep going not ever knowing why. I know God has a plan for all of us but sometimes its easy to loose sight of it. Sometimes life just keeps kicking you no matter how many times you think you will get ahead life has this funny way of kicking you 10 feet back. I see other people who are so happy and I have no idea what I am doing so wrong that I can't seem to get that way my self. I am beginning to believe happiness is for other people. I have realized that people are not always what them seem at first and I for one am not a good judge of Charter. I realize I will have my heart broken over and over, and I will break some ones heart not meaning to. I also know I am just burnt out. I am sick of trying to be responsible all the time. I but yet it always seems to get in the way of the things that matter in life. I know I will work through this as I always do, but when will it ever get to the point ten steps back doesn't feel so bad?

Visit home

For most of my teenage years I could wait to get as far away from the town I grew up in, and I didn't care if I ever went back. Well, as an adult I realized that sometimes you just need to go home and regroup your thoughts and visit people who are familiar to you. So last month I made the flight home with two kids in tow to visit our family. Who most I don't speak to. But my grandma is there and I love seeing her, and remembering what it was like to be a kid and go to her house. My heart aches at times as I want my kids to know that feeling and they won't as we live thousands of miles away. After an all night flight we finally got our rental car and made the two hour drive to my grandma's house. It was a great feeling to wrap my arms around her and hug her, and feel her arms around me. Long needed I tell ya. This was the woman who took care of me when my mom couldn't over the years for what ever the reason. I took tons of pictures of her and the kids as I have no idea when we will see her again. Plus she will never come out to the west to see where we live as she doesn't travel that far. I also got to see my aunts and uncles and cousins. It was great for the most part, then you have the few people who assume that you will spend every minute of your vacation with you and when you don't they just can't understand why. Really all I wanted to do was relax, sleep in and do what ever I wanted for a week, with out a house to clean. We stayed in a cabin that only had power by a generator and it was great just like camping (we showered at my aunts). The kids played bad mitten, and caught tad poles and frogs and fed a baby pig. All while enjoying time with family they don't see much. I also remembered on my trip back to my house why I live so far away and only visit occasionaly, which is I can't stand half the people back there as they are selfish. I also want my kids to know that there is more out there past the edge of town, and I want them to dream big. I want my kids to be determined to make a great life for them selves and break the cycle that our family has done for years. But I would give anything to be able to sit on my grandma's porch and have a cup of coffee with her right now.

People in our lives

I have come to realize people come and go from our lives and that our lives change as we grow and become wise. I have realized that some people that I thought were my friends were only for the wrong reason or because I have this void in my life where I needed to help someone so I would try to be a friend to some one who I thought needed help, only to find it to be draining to me. So I have cleared my life of them, and I am trying to not get sucked back to that type of friendship. I want friends who are there when the going is good or when it is not going so hot. I want friends who I can trust with anything and and try and use what ever I tell them in confidence against me when something in the friendship goes amuck. I want someone who is honest, trusting and who has goals in life. Not someone who thinks the world owes them something, and a person who can take responsibility for their actions as an adult and not place blame. I have cut ties since my mom passed away with a few people who I thought were my friends, but turned out not to be the kind of friend I needed. It wasn't easy and it took some time, but I know that one day I will have great friends like the few I have now who mean the world to me.

Life with a ten year old.

It's now been 3 1/2 months since my brother came to live with me. The world of ten year olds is so new to me. I mean they are looking at girls and telling me he likes one of them and of course I say girlfriends at your age isn't a good idea. He is also self sufficient for the most part which then makes me think he isn't a child, but in my head I know he is and needs to beloved like all children deserve. But then when I look at him I see a child that is older and can do it him self. Its an on going battle with my mind. Weird I know. I am also getting to the point where I can hug him and tell him I love him and I mean it, and its not just because he wants to hear it. I also see my mother instincts come out when I think some one is letting him down or has the chance to so I step in and try to stop it before they do. They think I am the bad guy, but I am just protecting a child that doesn' t need any more disappointment in his life right now. SO we are making it and I know it takes time and that we have some on our side I hope and one day we will look back on this and laugh.

How many kids do you have?

This is an easy question but so hard to answer. Most of the time I answer 2 with out even thinking. I mean I really do have two but only raise one. Sometimes I explain it but that gets tough sometimes. Or if I don't and people are like wow you do all that and have a two year old and I feel bad because then I feel the need to tell them I don't raise him, but I just leave it be and they think I am super woman. Bad I know but I just can't bring my self to say I only have one, even after all this time.

Update on my co worker

Please keep her in your prayers. She has to see a specialist as they thinkits a tumor or cancer.

Please pray for my co worker

My co worker has been experiencing some bad headaches lately, so on Tuesday she went in for some testing. On Wed. they told her that it may be a blood clot, but they wanted to do more testing, so today she went in and they now think there is a mass of fluid causing the pressure, which will need to be drained. She will find out in three days what her options are. Then yesterday after finding out that there is some thing wrong with her, her uncle passed away at an early age. If you could just pray for her I would appreciate it.

I want to donate my Uterus!

I have been having a bad week and then this lady that came in to my work who I know from work and we were sitting there chatting when she told me she was getting certified to become a foster parent. We have talked about adoption before and the fact that she wasn't able to have children. My heart breaks when I think of people who really want to be a mom and can't be for what ever reason. I think she would be a great mom. So as we talked it came about of why she couldn't have children. Well, right before she walked in the door I had looked up the clinic to call to schedule to have my tubes tied. I am done having babies, so with that still up on my screen and me talking to her, I just spit out if I could I would give you my Uterus. She said that was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to her. I then explained to her that I didn't have a use for mine anymore and I was serious if there was a way then I was more than willing.

I understand the fact that we would have to be a perfect match for this to even happen, but I feel if God wants it to happen then it will. I also found out that the procedure is very experimental still. I believe it is worth a try. I did find out that since 1958 there have been 7,000 pregnancies as a result of a transplanted Uterus. if they can transplant the parts of your eyeball and give people sight for the first time, then why can't they do the same with a Uterus? I also got to thinking if for some reason I am not able to help her then there must be someone out there that I can help.

We are all here for different reasons and sometimes we have no idea what. But I feel that I am meant to help people become mom's. I already helped one mom and I saw the joy in her face when she saw her son for the first time, and if I can bring that same joy to someone else, by all means. I think this would give my life purpose.

Does anyone Read this?

I am just wondering if anyone even reads my blog. So if you could please let me know thanks. I feel like I write here and no one reads it and if thats the case I will just delete it.

Finals

So this week I have been taking finals. Boy let me tell you I can't wait for this quarter to be over and done with. It has been a rocky one which I am slowly pulling a head I hope. Next time I am goign to manage my time better. Becasue I have two months to figure it out hopw to function with work school and two children. I just keep the end goal in sight and it will all be worth it. I admire all the moms that have done this before me.

Life goes on

The other day I realized that life wasn't going to pause for me to mourn my mom. I still have to wake up everyday and function as if I didn't loose someone I really did care about. That I would soon do things that I hadn't done since she passed away. Like travel the last part of the road on my trip back from TX, or step foot in a church. Over the past few months I have been wondering if it would have been easier if I hadn't pushed her out of my life and spent the last part of hers with her, or is it better that I wasn't close to her. All I know is it hurts and I have never felt this kind of hurt before.

Visit with Jadon last month

I had not seen him since his first birthday other than in pictures and boy did he change. Picture will never do him justice. He is an amazing little boy. We met at the aquarium as A said he really liked fish, and boy was she right that was like his favorite word. At first he didn't really know who,even I was as much as sometimes I want to believe he will never forget. So it took a few minutes to get him to warm up to me. The with the switch of hands when he wasn't looking and he was my firend the rest of the day. We walked throught the aquarium and I carried him most of the time, because I try to make up for lost time of holding him. Which if you ahven't carried around a baby for a long time it is like a work out, but the greatest kind. He does know how to walk though which he is so cute when he does. The best parts are when he gives me tons of smiles and lets me make mental notes of them which will last a life time. I also have a chance to capture some on camera, which he probably thinks I am a nut because I try and capture every moment and every look he may have. E & A are great about giving me space and time with him, which I am greatful. We then went to have lunch and my other son Jacob decided that he was not giving up a set next to Jadon for anything, meaning that one of his moms was. I took the set next to Jacob so his mom could feed him and I could take more pictures. He was proud to show me his dance moves. I even got in some much needed cuddle time as I carried him. It was a great visit, and I got my Jadon fix until the next visit which will be his 2nd birthday! WOW! Which I have decided those visits until Jacob can understand all of this better, I will make them alone. I think I need that as well.

An Emptiness that doesn't go away.

So everyday I wake up and I do the samething, then I go to work and do the samething, and I come home and do the samething. I toss and turn most of the night and I lay there and questions race through my mind. Then when its all said and done there is the empty feeling that I can't get rid of. Chocolate doesn't even make it feel better. I feel like I am lost, and every way that I think is the way out just seems to lead to another choice that I can't seem to make. Life just feels empty!
Most of this is dealing with feelings from my mom passing away. I wonder how I can miss someone so much that I choose to push out of my life for what ever the reasons I had.

Waiting for it to be normal again.

The last post was hard for me to write and it actually took a month. I know it may not be all that great and some of my emotions may not be out there. I am not good at all of that, but thats where my life started going crazy. As of today it has been one month and I miss her now more than ever. I have a ton of questions that will most likely never be answered. I feel like taking her off life support was wrong, even though they said she had no brain activity. I keep praying that life will figure it's self out, and slowly it does. I now have my ten year old brother who looks to me for answers and I have none. I don't even think I have the answers I need myself. I do know this no matter how hard it may seem to forgive some one it is better that they know you for give them, then them die never knowing. Tell the people you love that you love them everyday as you never know when they will no longer be there. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, Love your MOM!

The Call that Changed My Life Forever

I woke up normal, went to work like normal, I even had lunch with a co worker. Upon returning from lunch I noticed flowers on my desk that R had delivered, tulips my favorite. Then I went about logging back into my computer and checking emails that had come through while I was out of the office. I picked up my phone to see if I had any missed text. I noticed I had three missed calls, one from my aunt S who is pregnant, and two from my aunt J who rarely calls. Well, ok neither of them calls very often. I then listened to my voicemails and both of them left ones saying that I needed to call them. Of course I called my aunt S thinking something was wrong with the baby. She ask me if I had talked to anyone else and I said no I just called her. The next words that came from her mouth to my ear would sound so unreal. She said I don’t know how to tell you this but your mom is on life support and is dying. I sat there with the phone to my ear and the tears began to fall and I was not sure what to do I just knew I needed to get to her. But yet I just sat there frozen in my chair. I then stood and told my co worker I needed to go. I felt as if my world had stopped. And I had no idea how to function. My hands shook and I looked for something to tell me this was a horrible joke but nothing like that came. I gathered my things and slowly walked to my car, as my mind tried to make sense of everything that was happening. I called my aunt J to ask her where my mom was and where I needed to go and she said Texas. Crazy how in the world did my mom end up in Texas? She said to be calm and that she was leaving Pennsylvania and would get there in two days, I told her I would be on the next flight out of Seattle. I then called to have my son picked up, as I didn’t want him to see me in the state I was in and I didn’t know what to say to him. I then called R to ask him to come home and drive me to the airport. He ask what was the matter and if I was okay all I could get out was my mom was dying and I needed to get to her. The drive home was so long. To me it felt as if I were standing still and cars were zooming by. I walked in and I told R where I needed a flight and went to gather some things for my son then I went to try and find a letter my mom had written to me. I have no idea why but I needed to read it and hear her in my mind. A point where she was breathing on her own and we were talking. I also wanted to find a picture of me and her when I was a baby; it is one of my favorite pictures for some reason. I just sat there and cried wondering where everything went wrong. R informed me there were no flights leaving Seattle to Texas that day. I told him he was nuts and I would call my self. I called and found just one and it was a thousand dollars one way. There was no way that I could afford that and then wonder how to get home. R found one leaving the next day but it was also four hundred one way and didn’t leave until the afternoon. I wanted to get there, and fast, with out even thinking about it I decided to drive. Yes you read that right I decided to drive to Texas from Seattle by my self. The farthest I had ever driven to this point was to visit my son who lives at the most six hours away. I told him I didn’t want her to be alone, and he said I needed to think about it. I said what was there to think about? I tossed some clothes in the car and map quested my way and out the door I went. I told R he could come but I had no idea how long I would be gone for. I had a few stops to make before I really go on the road like I needed a phone charger which was a nightmare to find, and I needed to drop my sons stuff off to him. I finally got driving at six pm Tuesday night. So once I was on the road for several hours it started to hit me at how crazy I was to think about driving. But I cried a lot and did plenty of thinking about what I wanted to say to my mom before she died or if by a miracle she woke up. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was for being such a stubborn and hard headed person. That I wish I could give her the time she deserved with my son. I wanted to tell her how upset I was to always come last to her. How much I hated drugs. I most of all wanted to tell her I loved her no matter what and I was just flat out sorry. I also wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to hear her say I love you and I have missed you so much. To hear her laugh and to just talk to her, was me being selfish and wanting something I pushed away. Mile after mile I fought sleep and tears and the thought she would pass away before I got there and my trip would have been pointless. I got there Thursday afternoon at one o’clock. I went in to her room and just looked at her laying there hooked up to tubes and machines. She looked so helpless, and like someone I had forgotten. Tears filled my eyes as I let her know I was there. I help her hand and rubbed her head. I told her how sorry I was and how I forgave her for everything. I also voiced how much I wanted her to wake up there was so much we had left to do, and I wasn’t ready to not have a mom. I just sat there I also thanked God for letting me get there before he took her to be with him. With in a few minutes it was a nightmare as the rest of my family arrived and they couldn’t be civil not even when she laid on her death bed. I was so angry with them. I just wanted to be with her and for her last day be peaceful. We found out later that day that she had no brain activity. When the words came from the nurse I couldn’t grasp what she was saying. I didn’t want to be in the room with everyone as she told them my mom’s life was over. I wanted to be there with her. I wanted to tell her again how much I loved her and wanted her to wake up. I then went to the chapel to talk to God o ask him why and to be with her when she goes. I didn’t want her to be alone. I ask the nurse if I could stay with her that night, she said they usually didn’t allow people to do that, I told her I needed that as she would no longer be here and I had so much to tell her. She said after she gave her a bath that I could. I went out side to wait and as I did I became more and more angry with my family. I could see just how selfish they really were and it upset me. I wanted to tell them to go home, I didn’t need them and neither did she. The night turned in to a complete mess and I never got to spend my Mom’s last night with her. I ended up leaving a few short hours later with a brother I had only meet a few times in his life and now I took him home to raise. I started this trip with a mom, but I left it motherless and a mother to a new child. I have never in my life felt so selfish and empty at the same time.

My little guy is growing up

The other day he was out with his day as he is on nights I go to school, and when I go there to pick him up he was so excited to tell me something..... That something was at 5 1/2 he had learned to swim with out floaties. I am so proud of him. He seems to be growing up faster than I would like.

I did it

I stood up to my orthodontist. I went in one morning during work so I could be the first patient of the day and he was late, twenty minutes. I became so angry as I sat there. When he came in I finally spilled all the questions that I had been holding back on asking. He tried saying he was as puzzled as I was. I then told him if I didn't have to pay I would have went to see some one a while ago. So, he told me he would look for a dentist that would take my case. I didn't think he would look but he did and I went for a consultation and the new guy was so amazing. He knew all kinds of things and he didn't make me feel like I had no idea of what I thought my teeth should look like. So this week I went and he took my braces off. My mouth looks so happy. I can't stop smiling. I do how ever get a new set on next month, but that okay. The new guy is like number four in the nation. I am stoked! This is a good start to my year.

Build a Bear

Last weekend Jacob and I made a trip to Build a Bear. I had been putting it off because I knew it was pricy but this year I am not going to let that stand in my way of having fun.

When we got there I let him pick out what ever animal he wantedit took him a few minutes to decide and then he chose a turtle. As we waited in line to get stuffing I ask him if he wanted to put a sound in and he said no. I was surprised. But in a way I was relieved that I wouldn't have to hear a sound over and over again. He got to press the pedal to help stuff his turtle and he talked with the lady about his new toy. Then you go over and fluff the animal on a make shift tub that makes bath sounds. We sort of talked about clothes while we were in line, I had suggested that he at least get jeans. Well then when we got to picking out clothes I was once again in aww as my son looked over all the clothes before making his final choice. He chose the cutes little polo shirt, jeans, boots, socks and underwear. As every person or Turtle has one more thing they need and that is pj's . We went to make the birth certificate before before checking out and this is where the turtle got his name. With out blinking Jacob said he wanted his name to be Rex. So thats what I typed. While we were in line I noticed this little girl in front of us had a carrier which I hadn't seen. I asked the cashier and she got us one. Jacob just smiled. After checking out we were going to walk down the mall. Jacob wanted to have Rex on his back and I was okay with it, but then I started to thin of what other people would think of a little boy walking in the mall with a stuffed toy on his back. Then when I looked at his smile I realizes that it doesn't matter what other people think its what he thinks as he carries his new friend around with him. Boy was he beaming. I told him when we got home I would take a picture of him and Rex so he could have it forever.

Taking pictures was even more fun than making Rex. Plus now he has a picture to send to his grandma so that she can see Rex.

I can't tell you the last time I had this much fun! Enjoy the picute of Rex and Jacob.

I received this in an email today and Wow

This is beautiful! Try not to cry.
She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room.She said: 'How is my little boy ? Is he going to be all right ? When can I see him?'The surgeon said, 'I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.' Sally said, 'Why do little children get cancer ? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you ?'The surgeon asked, 'Would you like some time alone with your son ? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.' Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ranher fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. 'Would you like a lock of his hair ?' the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plasticbag and handed it to Sally.The mother said, 'It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. 'I said no at first, butJimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help someother little boy spend one more day with his Mom.' She went on, 'My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting tohelp others if he could.' Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spendingmost of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. Shecarried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair toher son's room. She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his roomexactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and,hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep. It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was afolded letter. The letter said : 'Dear Mom,
I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I willever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say 'I Love You' . I will always loveyou, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Untilthen, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide toget a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do.You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me.
This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me assoon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time tosee everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know w! hat? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, Iknew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD !
And guess what, Mom ? I gotto sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye andeverything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom ?God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off toyou.
God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you askedHim 'Where was He when I needed him ?' 'God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as Healways is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see whatI've written except you. To everyone else this is ! just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool ? I have to g ive God His pen back now He needs it towrite some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the tablewith Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone.I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand tosee me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery ! How about that ? Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.

Sales, sales and more sales!

Oh what a wonderful world. For anyone who knows me I am all about coupons and finding the best deal. I clip coupons every Sunday and have a super way to organize them. I rarely if ever pay full price for anything. I know it will go on sale eventually and if it doesn't I am not meant to have it. Well, this is my favorite time of year. I also vowed that this year I would be all done Shopping for Christmas before December. Yes that's right! As a child I remember my grandmother buying gifts as early as January and I would think how crazy, but now as an adult I say what a wonderful idea. Lol I started shopping today and not on purpose at all. You see I went to Target to buy a birthday gift for a birthday party this weekend only to find they had four aisles of toys at 75% off. Oh what a wonderful sign to see up. So I got stuff for birthdays and gifts for next year at Christmas and already have two people off my list for next Christmas. I got so much stuff and spent little one thing I got retailed not so long ago for $80 and I got it for $20.
Another great store is also having an amazing sale. That store is Old Navy. They are having the additional 50% off the clearance prices. What a great time to stock up if you have little ones on the next size up. I went last year and for my son pants for 5 buck when I would normally pay twenty.
Fred Meyer I hear is also having an additional 40% of their clearance prices including house hold items.
If you are a thrifty shopper you too know what a great time of year this is and will most likely be doing what I will be doing this weekend and that is SHOPPING!