Finals

So this week I have been taking finals. Boy let me tell you I can't wait for this quarter to be over and done with. It has been a rocky one which I am slowly pulling a head I hope. Next time I am goign to manage my time better. Becasue I have two months to figure it out hopw to function with work school and two children. I just keep the end goal in sight and it will all be worth it. I admire all the moms that have done this before me.

Life goes on

The other day I realized that life wasn't going to pause for me to mourn my mom. I still have to wake up everyday and function as if I didn't loose someone I really did care about. That I would soon do things that I hadn't done since she passed away. Like travel the last part of the road on my trip back from TX, or step foot in a church. Over the past few months I have been wondering if it would have been easier if I hadn't pushed her out of my life and spent the last part of hers with her, or is it better that I wasn't close to her. All I know is it hurts and I have never felt this kind of hurt before.

Visit with Jadon last month

I had not seen him since his first birthday other than in pictures and boy did he change. Picture will never do him justice. He is an amazing little boy. We met at the aquarium as A said he really liked fish, and boy was she right that was like his favorite word. At first he didn't really know who,even I was as much as sometimes I want to believe he will never forget. So it took a few minutes to get him to warm up to me. The with the switch of hands when he wasn't looking and he was my firend the rest of the day. We walked throught the aquarium and I carried him most of the time, because I try to make up for lost time of holding him. Which if you ahven't carried around a baby for a long time it is like a work out, but the greatest kind. He does know how to walk though which he is so cute when he does. The best parts are when he gives me tons of smiles and lets me make mental notes of them which will last a life time. I also have a chance to capture some on camera, which he probably thinks I am a nut because I try and capture every moment and every look he may have. E & A are great about giving me space and time with him, which I am greatful. We then went to have lunch and my other son Jacob decided that he was not giving up a set next to Jadon for anything, meaning that one of his moms was. I took the set next to Jacob so his mom could feed him and I could take more pictures. He was proud to show me his dance moves. I even got in some much needed cuddle time as I carried him. It was a great visit, and I got my Jadon fix until the next visit which will be his 2nd birthday! WOW! Which I have decided those visits until Jacob can understand all of this better, I will make them alone. I think I need that as well.

An Emptiness that doesn't go away.

So everyday I wake up and I do the samething, then I go to work and do the samething, and I come home and do the samething. I toss and turn most of the night and I lay there and questions race through my mind. Then when its all said and done there is the empty feeling that I can't get rid of. Chocolate doesn't even make it feel better. I feel like I am lost, and every way that I think is the way out just seems to lead to another choice that I can't seem to make. Life just feels empty!
Most of this is dealing with feelings from my mom passing away. I wonder how I can miss someone so much that I choose to push out of my life for what ever the reasons I had.

Waiting for it to be normal again.

The last post was hard for me to write and it actually took a month. I know it may not be all that great and some of my emotions may not be out there. I am not good at all of that, but thats where my life started going crazy. As of today it has been one month and I miss her now more than ever. I have a ton of questions that will most likely never be answered. I feel like taking her off life support was wrong, even though they said she had no brain activity. I keep praying that life will figure it's self out, and slowly it does. I now have my ten year old brother who looks to me for answers and I have none. I don't even think I have the answers I need myself. I do know this no matter how hard it may seem to forgive some one it is better that they know you for give them, then them die never knowing. Tell the people you love that you love them everyday as you never know when they will no longer be there. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, Love your MOM!

The Call that Changed My Life Forever

I woke up normal, went to work like normal, I even had lunch with a co worker. Upon returning from lunch I noticed flowers on my desk that R had delivered, tulips my favorite. Then I went about logging back into my computer and checking emails that had come through while I was out of the office. I picked up my phone to see if I had any missed text. I noticed I had three missed calls, one from my aunt S who is pregnant, and two from my aunt J who rarely calls. Well, ok neither of them calls very often. I then listened to my voicemails and both of them left ones saying that I needed to call them. Of course I called my aunt S thinking something was wrong with the baby. She ask me if I had talked to anyone else and I said no I just called her. The next words that came from her mouth to my ear would sound so unreal. She said I don’t know how to tell you this but your mom is on life support and is dying. I sat there with the phone to my ear and the tears began to fall and I was not sure what to do I just knew I needed to get to her. But yet I just sat there frozen in my chair. I then stood and told my co worker I needed to go. I felt as if my world had stopped. And I had no idea how to function. My hands shook and I looked for something to tell me this was a horrible joke but nothing like that came. I gathered my things and slowly walked to my car, as my mind tried to make sense of everything that was happening. I called my aunt J to ask her where my mom was and where I needed to go and she said Texas. Crazy how in the world did my mom end up in Texas? She said to be calm and that she was leaving Pennsylvania and would get there in two days, I told her I would be on the next flight out of Seattle. I then called to have my son picked up, as I didn’t want him to see me in the state I was in and I didn’t know what to say to him. I then called R to ask him to come home and drive me to the airport. He ask what was the matter and if I was okay all I could get out was my mom was dying and I needed to get to her. The drive home was so long. To me it felt as if I were standing still and cars were zooming by. I walked in and I told R where I needed a flight and went to gather some things for my son then I went to try and find a letter my mom had written to me. I have no idea why but I needed to read it and hear her in my mind. A point where she was breathing on her own and we were talking. I also wanted to find a picture of me and her when I was a baby; it is one of my favorite pictures for some reason. I just sat there and cried wondering where everything went wrong. R informed me there were no flights leaving Seattle to Texas that day. I told him he was nuts and I would call my self. I called and found just one and it was a thousand dollars one way. There was no way that I could afford that and then wonder how to get home. R found one leaving the next day but it was also four hundred one way and didn’t leave until the afternoon. I wanted to get there, and fast, with out even thinking about it I decided to drive. Yes you read that right I decided to drive to Texas from Seattle by my self. The farthest I had ever driven to this point was to visit my son who lives at the most six hours away. I told him I didn’t want her to be alone, and he said I needed to think about it. I said what was there to think about? I tossed some clothes in the car and map quested my way and out the door I went. I told R he could come but I had no idea how long I would be gone for. I had a few stops to make before I really go on the road like I needed a phone charger which was a nightmare to find, and I needed to drop my sons stuff off to him. I finally got driving at six pm Tuesday night. So once I was on the road for several hours it started to hit me at how crazy I was to think about driving. But I cried a lot and did plenty of thinking about what I wanted to say to my mom before she died or if by a miracle she woke up. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was for being such a stubborn and hard headed person. That I wish I could give her the time she deserved with my son. I wanted to tell her how upset I was to always come last to her. How much I hated drugs. I most of all wanted to tell her I loved her no matter what and I was just flat out sorry. I also wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to hear her say I love you and I have missed you so much. To hear her laugh and to just talk to her, was me being selfish and wanting something I pushed away. Mile after mile I fought sleep and tears and the thought she would pass away before I got there and my trip would have been pointless. I got there Thursday afternoon at one o’clock. I went in to her room and just looked at her laying there hooked up to tubes and machines. She looked so helpless, and like someone I had forgotten. Tears filled my eyes as I let her know I was there. I help her hand and rubbed her head. I told her how sorry I was and how I forgave her for everything. I also voiced how much I wanted her to wake up there was so much we had left to do, and I wasn’t ready to not have a mom. I just sat there I also thanked God for letting me get there before he took her to be with him. With in a few minutes it was a nightmare as the rest of my family arrived and they couldn’t be civil not even when she laid on her death bed. I was so angry with them. I just wanted to be with her and for her last day be peaceful. We found out later that day that she had no brain activity. When the words came from the nurse I couldn’t grasp what she was saying. I didn’t want to be in the room with everyone as she told them my mom’s life was over. I wanted to be there with her. I wanted to tell her again how much I loved her and wanted her to wake up. I then went to the chapel to talk to God o ask him why and to be with her when she goes. I didn’t want her to be alone. I ask the nurse if I could stay with her that night, she said they usually didn’t allow people to do that, I told her I needed that as she would no longer be here and I had so much to tell her. She said after she gave her a bath that I could. I went out side to wait and as I did I became more and more angry with my family. I could see just how selfish they really were and it upset me. I wanted to tell them to go home, I didn’t need them and neither did she. The night turned in to a complete mess and I never got to spend my Mom’s last night with her. I ended up leaving a few short hours later with a brother I had only meet a few times in his life and now I took him home to raise. I started this trip with a mom, but I left it motherless and a mother to a new child. I have never in my life felt so selfish and empty at the same time.

My little guy is growing up

The other day he was out with his day as he is on nights I go to school, and when I go there to pick him up he was so excited to tell me something..... That something was at 5 1/2 he had learned to swim with out floaties. I am so proud of him. He seems to be growing up faster than I would like.