What did I do so wrong?

This morning my neighbor ask my boyfriend if we had a baby because her brother dropped off some formula and she wouldn't have a baby for another 4 months.
So usually I am fine hearing that someone is expecting and I am actually happy for them because they get to experience motherhood and all the wonderful things it offers. But today is not one of those days. I already question this ladies parenting skills with the child she already has. Now I am in no way saying I am a saint of a parent because Lord knows I have made tons of mistakes raising my own child. At first the thought of her having a baby didn't bother me but as I sat there thinking of the kind of parent she is, I started to wonder why. Why is it okay for people like her to have baby after baby and keep them and I can't. I am a good mom and yet I had to give my baby to some one else because I couldn't care for him. And this lady gets to wake up every night by the crying of her new baby. I am not jealous all I want to know is why. Why is it okay for some people to have all that it takes to have a baby and why is it not for others. I understand that it takes a strong person to do what I did and all the mothers before me and those who will follow.
Now I live in fear of ever having another child for the fear that my child that I placed will somehow think I didn't love him enough to keep him. Which isn't the case at all.

An Amazing Gift

Tonight when I got home there was a note from the post man saying they tried to deliver a package and I wasn't home so it was at the office. I walked up not knowing what it was..... and once I got there I figured out it was the box from my son and his parents. Well I couldn't wait to get home because A had informed me that there were pictures in the box. Sure enough there were and OH MY WHAT AN AMAZING LITTLE BOY! His smile just melted my heart and made me smile my self. She had included some from when they went to the pumpkin patch and of him in his Halloween costume, and the ones of him on his big boy bike. In each there was a smile worth a million words. I looked at him in disbelief of how big he has gotten. He has hair and lots of it and its in curls. Though his smiles I see how happy he is. I am grateful for the amazing gift of Pictures.

If you had it to do all over again would you pick the same parents?

If or even if I didn't know what I know now about my sons parents I would with out a doubt pick them again to be his parents. They are meant to be Jaodn's mom and dad. Plus the joy I saw on their faces when he arrived in to the world was priceless. Plus they include me in in the important parts of his life and I never feel as if I am not part of it. They are also amazing with my other son who loves when we visit. They are Christians which is very important. Most of all his mom has become a close friend of mine. When something great happens she is one of the first people I want to call. His dad is quiet like me, you see some times I just don't know what to say when people are around. They have great smiles. Plus they match......meaning he looks like them a lot. To me it would be odd if he didn't look like his parents. They were exactly what I wanted in parents. You know they say you don't get to choose your parents.... well I picked his and they are great.

Two Visits

I decided last summer I would like to have two visits instead of four a year. I figured it would be better for everyone. But as I sit here this month I remember last year and the visit I had with Jadon. It was the first one post his placement. I remember being so nervous and not knowing what to wear. I shopped all day to find matching shirts in two different sizes. So when the boys had their pictures done they would match. I am thankful that my sons mom lets the boys have their pictures taken together. I remember walking in and he was a sleep on the bed, and I wanted him to be up. It didn't take long to help him along with that. Wow did he change in just that short amount of time. He looked like this little person. I remember how he stared at me as if he knew me from some where. I like that about him no matter how long its been since he saw me last he always gives me the look as if he knows me even if it takes him a minute.

At the same time I sit and wonder what it will be like when I see him again in March. It will be six months then since I saw him last. I know when I talk with his mom on the phone he is always chatty in the back ground which can cause me to be spacey in my conversation. So I know he will be chatty and I get excited. Well by then he will also be walking. Scary!!!!!!!!! Which means he is no longer this baby that I laid in his parents arms and exited. I also wonder about how tall he will be. Will he give me that same look or will he cling to his parents in fear of me. I know what ever it is it will be great.

This is why I think two visits are good. Well, they need time to be a family and learn what works and what doesn't. Second visits are super emotional no matter how much you think that you are prepared for them. Third Life happens and we all get wrapped up in our own. I am glad we are able to communicate other ways in the mean time though. Fourth I don't worry about if he is in good hand or not because I know he is. Plus there are huge changes to look forward to and if it doesn't work we can look at it later.

One year down and five to go!

This week I finished my first year of college. I am super excited because my GPA was a 3.0. How I have no idea. I am also excited bcause I did it and this time next year I am hopping to be on the graduation list. I won't stop until I get my masters though. I will however start working as a social worker as soon as I can. I want nothing more that to be able to make a difference in someones life.
Looking back in some ways I wish I would have went to school right after school, but at the same time I am glad I waited because I know what I want to become. I also want it a lot more than I did right after school.

Clean out my life

Lately I have been reflecting on the relationships in my life and I think I would be better off with out half of them. So I am ending them slowly but surely.
Take my relationship with H friends till the end or in this case until she finds some one else to give her what ever she wants. It was a relationship of what could I do for H but if the shoe were on my foot she always had a reason she couldn't help.
My relationship with K wasn't much different and she just told me she is moving in two weeks. Since I no longer drink our friendship was put to the test. Sorry I just don't see a need to drink to hang out with people.
Now my family is going to be the hardest string of all to cut. Hint they are family. I have decided for my son that one last visit home would be good. I would like to have pictures with my grandma and him, but other than that they can all kiss my rear. I don't need someone to tell me what kind of parent I am being or how I should be nice to my mother, or why and I raising my child this way when I wasn't raised that way. Oh yeah and when I fall on my face don't turn to them for help, but if I am soaring they are there to take all the credit for helping me get there, when really they had nothing to do with it.
I am also giving my orthodontist the boot. Three years and counting and he still has no idea when my braces will come off. See yeah I will go to some one who knows what they are really doing and aren't just money hungry.
Oh yeah and I am looking for a new job since my boss thinks its okay to judge my character and get away with it. Sorry I have had people judging me all of my life and I will be darned in my boss gets away with it.
My J dad. well I tried to be nice to him and guess what the street goes both ways and since he can't be man enough to stick to anything he says sorry I also have no time for him either.
I need healthy loving relationships and I have that with a few people in my life and I would rather have that with a few people instead of crappy relationships with a lot of people.

My Visit to the PICC Center

After reading the article in the paper I felt the need to do something. Well, babies always need diapers. I went to this value store that has things stores can't sell and bought up some diapers. I pulled up in the parking lot and through the window you could see a nursery I just sat there thinking to my self if I really wanted to do this. What if I saw a baby? What if the people were not nice? I grabbed my bag and opened my door and walked up to the door and rang the door bell and waited. Finally a lady beeped out and ask what I needed. I told her her I brought some diapers. A few minutes passed and finally this lady came through the door. I took one look at her and realized she was the lady who started the center. I wanted to just hug her, but i didn't, we made small chat and she went her way and told me the lady at the counter could help me. I was so over whelmed with emotions that I sounded stupid as I talked to them both. I wanted to sign up to volunteer but the only class is on a Thursday when I am sitting at my desk job. So there goes that chance. Over all it was a good experience though and I know what a great thing she is doing, but yet I feel this need to write her a letter, and I may just do that.