Finding out I was pregnant

The first few weeks of January were fine and I felt just a little more tired than normal which was not that unusual for me but than I just felt more bloated than I normaly do before I get my period. Then I started feeling super sick but yet could throw up. I decided to take a test and just see who knows why but some how when I am pregnant I just know, I did and sure enough it said pregnant, of course I had to do another one just to make sure. Tears filled my eyes and I didn't know what I was going to do.

You see I had seperated from my husband in October and the divorce wasn't even final, but I new it was over. I had also been dating this guy who the more we were together the more I realised he was a fruit cake. Then there was the Marine I meet the night before Christmas and had a fling with because I need to not let my life get boring. I also needed to feel like I was in control of my life and that it was me making choices for myself and not someone else like had been going on all of my life. Now I know the child was not my soon to be ex husbands. So I figured it was the guy I had been seeing , but I didn't want to have a baby with him hell he already had a son and I was pretty sure had nothing to do with him. So I decided to keep it a secret for as long as I could . As for the Marine I had forgot all about it until he sent me a message when I was three months along.

I had researched my options of keeping my son. I went to DSHS to see if I could get WIC and daycare asstance and with out even blinking the girl behind th ecounter said I wouldn't qualify. So I knew there would be no way I would beable to care for this baby I was carring. Then my mind went to abortion and I couldn't come to bring myself to do it ( another blog about why later). Then I decided from that moment I would place my baby up for adoption. I never than thought about keeping my baby.

I decided to tell my friend because we tell each other everything, and really I didn't know what to do or how to tell the possible father. She was disapointed that I had desided to give my baby up for adoption. But it was my choice to make and not hers. I was not going to make another bad choice.

I called and ask the guy to come over and help me with somthing and he did and I then told him I was pregnant and that I decided that I was placing the child up for adoption. He really didn't have anything to say no questions nothing. That was the last time I talked to him or even saw him. Must be nice to just walk the other way and pretend life isn't happening, and that you aren't the one who may have screwed some one elses life up.

I also had to tell my family that I was pregnant and their first reaction was that I needed to move home. Yeah like that would fix anything it would just make it worse. I couldn't wait to grow up and get as far from there as I could. No way was I going to subject my children to their way of living. They were furious when I said I was placing my child up for adoption. Then my one aunt even had the nerve to say that I was being like my mother who walked out on me and my brothers and left us for the man she was dating and the drugs she couldn't live with out. My other aunt even offered to adopt my baby. Don't get me wrong my family has some good in it just I choose to parent a lot diffrent than they do and I have every right to. They could only tell me what a horrible thing I was doing. So I stopped talking to them. They didn't liek my choice because they weren't making it for me. I didn't answer there calls nor did I return them. But they just couldn't stop so they called my soon to be ex husband and had to share all of this with him. I didn't want to tell him he wanted children one day and I didn't I mean I thought I did when we first got together, but then I learn one was enough for me.

So now I had to hear it from him I just put it plain and simple it was my life and I would do with it as I pleased, and if they called back to tell them I was fine and had no need to talk to them any more until they could see things my way.

So yes I was only a month pregnant when I found out and in that same month I decided to place my child for adoption and when against what everyone else believed was best for me.

Over the next few weeks

I would like to write my story about the adoption process and how I got to where I am today with all of it. Because on September 12th its my sons first birthday. It is also a mile stone for all of us that are part of his life. I would like to share my story with all of you and I hope that you enjoy reading it.

You never know who all has been touched by adoption.

The other day I went to the dentist, and I got chatting with the girl at the counter well it came out that she was adopted. Well I love to talk about adoption as some times it feels like it helps me better understand my choice, but most of all I get a view from all sides. She didn't really say that when she was adopted but she did say that she has never met her mom and that her mom had written a book telling her as much as she could about her., by this point I was almost in tears because thats how I am when I hear some one elses story. We went on and she said that she wasn't sure if she ever wanted to meet her mom because she didn't feel as if she hadn't ever been loved by her adoptive parents. She said that her birth mom has went on to for get her. Now being on the moms side of this whole thing I felt the need to make it clear that she didn't forget about her and told her that she loved her so much to give her life. I also told her that I am sure that there is not a day that goes past that she doesn't think of her and wonder what she is doing or if she is okay. She said she knew her mom loved her but she just thought it might be to hard. Before I left she told me she thinks she wants to try and find a sister she knows she has and than maybe her mom. I was so excited for her and for her and her birthfamily. I know she may never do it but than again she might. But she did ask me if I knew anyone that could help and I said yes. Now I just have to find the courage to call that person and ask her to help this girl.

The neat thing is that just by looking at some one we just don't know how their life started out.

A Funny Story

I noticed that anytime I talk about my sons mom I just refer to her as "My sons Mom". Well I didn't realise how strange that sounded to other people until I went to a baseball game and we were talking about a product that one of the girls had and I was saying how amazing it was and what I have used from this line, then I went on to say well my sons mom sells it, and went on to finish what I was saying. When I was done everyone was looking at me like I was nuts or something. So I ask what I had said and I got the response your sons mom. To me it never even crossed my mind to refer to her by her name, cause to me she is my sons mom. So then I ended up explaining my adoption story which I don't hide and love to share as it opens up other peoples minds to thinking about adoption. I think its nice to know that she went from being a name to me to being a great mom to a person I care deeply about.

Other types of adoption

I want to start by saying this is just my opinion and we are all entitled to them, and to each person their own.

Anyhow, I was surfing the web to find things on the recalled toys and then when I was done I decided to see if the Seattle times had ever run an article on adoption and to my surprise they did just recently.

http://archives.seattletimes.nwsource.com/cgi-bin/texis.cgi/web/vortex/display?slug=gaydads13m&date=20070813&query=gay+parenting


This plays a diffrent view on adoption and I find my self okay with the topic and I also see the challenges that can be faced in a situation. First off my hat goes off to the people of the same sex who choose to pressue adoption to help fill their dream. Second to the moms out there that go aginst society and give these couples a chance to parent. Its nice to know they have groups where they can come together and talk about the challenges that they face as parents.
I hope the biirth parents are involved somehow so that the child knows both sides of the story just like any other adoption.

So I would like to know how other feel about this.

Who moved my Cheese?

Today I started to listen to the CD of Who Moved my Cheese, well I would say its something every one should listen to. First off I know first hand that change scares the daylights out of me. Time and time again I find my self wondering about the possibilities out there but yet the thought of stepping out of my comfort zone makes me to scared to even take the first step. On the cd they talk about how fear is so much stronger in our minds than it is in the real situation. My goal is to try something new every year and here we are half way though the year and I haven't tried even one of the things I wanted to do this year. Its not just trying new thing, but starting new relationships or even advancing at my job. The unknown is so over whelming. In the cd they talk about how different people deal with change, and some get so caught up in fear that when change happens they have no idea how to function. If it were as easy as they make it sound in the cd.

Is it possible?

I should have part of this down by now since its been almost a year since I gave my son up for adoption and a year since he went home with his parents. But.... here is what I don't know is how do you balance all the people on the same balance beam when every ones role and feelings are so different. I mean at times it feels as if we are all in a boat and the waves are coming in and yet we feel like there is nothing we can do to help make the boat stable with out hurting some one on the boat. I know that there have been moms before me who have gone through this and made it and I also know there are moms who are in this with me and have no idea what to do. So what I mean by all of this is how do you keep the feelings of the adoptive family in check and those of the birth father in check and those of your child whom you placed up for adoption and those of the child you are still raising and your own feelings in check and are able to do this with out being so stress and feeling like you are letting some one down along the way.

I feel as if my future choices of a family are based on the feelings of a child who I don't want to feel unwanted and unloved because that was never and will never be the case.

Then I have the feelings of a child that I raise and ( that's a topic for a later blog).

The feelings of the birth father, even though we make small talk and try to convey our feelings I am not sure that either of us have just come out and said what we thought of the other person. I feel bad sometimes when I talk to him as I know the most up to date information on our son and sometimes hold back sharing because I may hit a nerve.

The feelings of the adoptive parents play a huge role. I don't want to over step any boundary's there as they are the closest people to my son. I don't want to ever sound naive or over bearing. there are lots more but I just don't know how to spit it out.

The last but not least come your feelings on how do tell your self everyday that this was the best choice to have been made and there were no other options. You feelings of Jealousy when you see another mother and her child and ask your self why her and not me?

At some point this all clicks together right?