You never know who all has been touched by adoption.

The other day I went to the dentist, and I got chatting with the girl at the counter well it came out that she was adopted. Well I love to talk about adoption as some times it feels like it helps me better understand my choice, but most of all I get a view from all sides. She didn't really say that when she was adopted but she did say that she has never met her mom and that her mom had written a book telling her as much as she could about her., by this point I was almost in tears because thats how I am when I hear some one elses story. We went on and she said that she wasn't sure if she ever wanted to meet her mom because she didn't feel as if she hadn't ever been loved by her adoptive parents. She said that her birth mom has went on to for get her. Now being on the moms side of this whole thing I felt the need to make it clear that she didn't forget about her and told her that she loved her so much to give her life. I also told her that I am sure that there is not a day that goes past that she doesn't think of her and wonder what she is doing or if she is okay. She said she knew her mom loved her but she just thought it might be to hard. Before I left she told me she thinks she wants to try and find a sister she knows she has and than maybe her mom. I was so excited for her and for her and her birthfamily. I know she may never do it but than again she might. But she did ask me if I knew anyone that could help and I said yes. Now I just have to find the courage to call that person and ask her to help this girl.

The neat thing is that just by looking at some one we just don't know how their life started out.

A Funny Story

I noticed that anytime I talk about my sons mom I just refer to her as "My sons Mom". Well I didn't realise how strange that sounded to other people until I went to a baseball game and we were talking about a product that one of the girls had and I was saying how amazing it was and what I have used from this line, then I went on to say well my sons mom sells it, and went on to finish what I was saying. When I was done everyone was looking at me like I was nuts or something. So I ask what I had said and I got the response your sons mom. To me it never even crossed my mind to refer to her by her name, cause to me she is my sons mom. So then I ended up explaining my adoption story which I don't hide and love to share as it opens up other peoples minds to thinking about adoption. I think its nice to know that she went from being a name to me to being a great mom to a person I care deeply about.

Other types of adoption

I want to start by saying this is just my opinion and we are all entitled to them, and to each person their own.

Anyhow, I was surfing the web to find things on the recalled toys and then when I was done I decided to see if the Seattle times had ever run an article on adoption and to my surprise they did just recently.

http://archives.seattletimes.nwsource.com/cgi-bin/texis.cgi/web/vortex/display?slug=gaydads13m&date=20070813&query=gay+parenting


This plays a diffrent view on adoption and I find my self okay with the topic and I also see the challenges that can be faced in a situation. First off my hat goes off to the people of the same sex who choose to pressue adoption to help fill their dream. Second to the moms out there that go aginst society and give these couples a chance to parent. Its nice to know they have groups where they can come together and talk about the challenges that they face as parents.
I hope the biirth parents are involved somehow so that the child knows both sides of the story just like any other adoption.

So I would like to know how other feel about this.

Who moved my Cheese?

Today I started to listen to the CD of Who Moved my Cheese, well I would say its something every one should listen to. First off I know first hand that change scares the daylights out of me. Time and time again I find my self wondering about the possibilities out there but yet the thought of stepping out of my comfort zone makes me to scared to even take the first step. On the cd they talk about how fear is so much stronger in our minds than it is in the real situation. My goal is to try something new every year and here we are half way though the year and I haven't tried even one of the things I wanted to do this year. Its not just trying new thing, but starting new relationships or even advancing at my job. The unknown is so over whelming. In the cd they talk about how different people deal with change, and some get so caught up in fear that when change happens they have no idea how to function. If it were as easy as they make it sound in the cd.

Is it possible?

I should have part of this down by now since its been almost a year since I gave my son up for adoption and a year since he went home with his parents. But.... here is what I don't know is how do you balance all the people on the same balance beam when every ones role and feelings are so different. I mean at times it feels as if we are all in a boat and the waves are coming in and yet we feel like there is nothing we can do to help make the boat stable with out hurting some one on the boat. I know that there have been moms before me who have gone through this and made it and I also know there are moms who are in this with me and have no idea what to do. So what I mean by all of this is how do you keep the feelings of the adoptive family in check and those of the birth father in check and those of your child whom you placed up for adoption and those of the child you are still raising and your own feelings in check and are able to do this with out being so stress and feeling like you are letting some one down along the way.

I feel as if my future choices of a family are based on the feelings of a child who I don't want to feel unwanted and unloved because that was never and will never be the case.

Then I have the feelings of a child that I raise and ( that's a topic for a later blog).

The feelings of the birth father, even though we make small talk and try to convey our feelings I am not sure that either of us have just come out and said what we thought of the other person. I feel bad sometimes when I talk to him as I know the most up to date information on our son and sometimes hold back sharing because I may hit a nerve.

The feelings of the adoptive parents play a huge role. I don't want to over step any boundary's there as they are the closest people to my son. I don't want to ever sound naive or over bearing. there are lots more but I just don't know how to spit it out.

The last but not least come your feelings on how do tell your self everyday that this was the best choice to have been made and there were no other options. You feelings of Jealousy when you see another mother and her child and ask your self why her and not me?

At some point this all clicks together right?

Sober

I did it!!! I made it two months with out drinking as of today and you would think I would feel as if I had accomplished something major but I don't. I feel like I did it because I was told to not because I wanted to. But what ever the case I did it. I did however learn that I need to talk about whats bothering me instead of tipping up the bottle. You know the crazy thing is that when I tell people that I am two months sober when offered a drink they say they had no idea that I was even an alcoholic. So great I had become a functioning alcoholic with out even realising it. May be I should make this clear I only drank at night and some times at lunch( lunch was only a couple of times and never enough that I was shit faced, just enough to de stress my afternoon). I know I had a problem but like everything else in my life I hate to admit when I am wrong. So I am up to seeing how far I can go and in hopes of never taking another drink.

Jacob's 5th Birthday

It just seems like yesterday I was sitting in the bathroom looking at the stick and wondering if it was really true that I was about to be a mom. So I tried another and another and after six sticks I knew that it had to be true and that I was not just seeing things. Then there he was after 10 1/2 hours of labor he was finally here for me to hold and love for all of his life. He was so perfect. The next thing I know he was rolling over and sitting up. My thoughts were if I could only keep him this size forever ( which all moms say at some point in their child's life). Before I knew it he grew to the point where he could stand on his own and soon he was walking following me around, and then began to run. His sweet giggles filled my ears. Then came time to take his bottle which I think broke my heart more than it did his. Over the next year he learned how to do so much and his favorite saying became I can do it my self mom. :( ...Then all of a sudden almost like over night he could go potty and there were no more diapers to buy. One morning I was dressing him and it was for his first day of preschool. You would be surprised what they learn everyday with out you there, and yet when you ask what they did all day they say I played and played some more. He can run a dvd player faster than most grown ups and is a champ at playing video games and I have no clue what buttons to even push. Hello I grew up in the days of Mario Brothers. Then comes the time where he realises that the signs at the theme parks mean something like ummmm you have to be so tall to ride the rides, and with those bright eyes he looks up and says am I big yet? Then as it nears his 5th birthday he ask just about daily and I five yet? Each day I have to tell him not yet it started with months and than got down to weeks and than days and still the question comes over and over and I have to keep saying not today. Then the day is finally here and I wake him up with a happy birthday sweetie and he says in return am I five now and at last I can look at him and say yes today you are five! But, your heart aches for that little boy that the Dr. placed in your arm all those years ago, and you wonder where has all the time gone? How could I have gotten so caught up in life to miss out on all the little things I thought I would never miss? Yet I look back at all the times I said I would never be one of those people who are always on the go and never have time, and sitting here I realise I have become one of them with out even knowing it, but that can be fixed. Any how when I ask him what he wanted for his birthday dinner and he says french fries and a green shake of course that's exactly what I gave him! So the end to a wonderful birthday and looking forward to each one yet to come but in hopes they come slower than all the ones that have come before now.