Who moved my Cheese?

Today I started to listen to the CD of Who Moved my Cheese, well I would say its something every one should listen to. First off I know first hand that change scares the daylights out of me. Time and time again I find my self wondering about the possibilities out there but yet the thought of stepping out of my comfort zone makes me to scared to even take the first step. On the cd they talk about how fear is so much stronger in our minds than it is in the real situation. My goal is to try something new every year and here we are half way though the year and I haven't tried even one of the things I wanted to do this year. Its not just trying new thing, but starting new relationships or even advancing at my job. The unknown is so over whelming. In the cd they talk about how different people deal with change, and some get so caught up in fear that when change happens they have no idea how to function. If it were as easy as they make it sound in the cd.

Is it possible?

I should have part of this down by now since its been almost a year since I gave my son up for adoption and a year since he went home with his parents. But.... here is what I don't know is how do you balance all the people on the same balance beam when every ones role and feelings are so different. I mean at times it feels as if we are all in a boat and the waves are coming in and yet we feel like there is nothing we can do to help make the boat stable with out hurting some one on the boat. I know that there have been moms before me who have gone through this and made it and I also know there are moms who are in this with me and have no idea what to do. So what I mean by all of this is how do you keep the feelings of the adoptive family in check and those of the birth father in check and those of your child whom you placed up for adoption and those of the child you are still raising and your own feelings in check and are able to do this with out being so stress and feeling like you are letting some one down along the way.

I feel as if my future choices of a family are based on the feelings of a child who I don't want to feel unwanted and unloved because that was never and will never be the case.

Then I have the feelings of a child that I raise and ( that's a topic for a later blog).

The feelings of the birth father, even though we make small talk and try to convey our feelings I am not sure that either of us have just come out and said what we thought of the other person. I feel bad sometimes when I talk to him as I know the most up to date information on our son and sometimes hold back sharing because I may hit a nerve.

The feelings of the adoptive parents play a huge role. I don't want to over step any boundary's there as they are the closest people to my son. I don't want to ever sound naive or over bearing. there are lots more but I just don't know how to spit it out.

The last but not least come your feelings on how do tell your self everyday that this was the best choice to have been made and there were no other options. You feelings of Jealousy when you see another mother and her child and ask your self why her and not me?

At some point this all clicks together right?

Sober

I did it!!! I made it two months with out drinking as of today and you would think I would feel as if I had accomplished something major but I don't. I feel like I did it because I was told to not because I wanted to. But what ever the case I did it. I did however learn that I need to talk about whats bothering me instead of tipping up the bottle. You know the crazy thing is that when I tell people that I am two months sober when offered a drink they say they had no idea that I was even an alcoholic. So great I had become a functioning alcoholic with out even realising it. May be I should make this clear I only drank at night and some times at lunch( lunch was only a couple of times and never enough that I was shit faced, just enough to de stress my afternoon). I know I had a problem but like everything else in my life I hate to admit when I am wrong. So I am up to seeing how far I can go and in hopes of never taking another drink.

Jacob's 5th Birthday

It just seems like yesterday I was sitting in the bathroom looking at the stick and wondering if it was really true that I was about to be a mom. So I tried another and another and after six sticks I knew that it had to be true and that I was not just seeing things. Then there he was after 10 1/2 hours of labor he was finally here for me to hold and love for all of his life. He was so perfect. The next thing I know he was rolling over and sitting up. My thoughts were if I could only keep him this size forever ( which all moms say at some point in their child's life). Before I knew it he grew to the point where he could stand on his own and soon he was walking following me around, and then began to run. His sweet giggles filled my ears. Then came time to take his bottle which I think broke my heart more than it did his. Over the next year he learned how to do so much and his favorite saying became I can do it my self mom. :( ...Then all of a sudden almost like over night he could go potty and there were no more diapers to buy. One morning I was dressing him and it was for his first day of preschool. You would be surprised what they learn everyday with out you there, and yet when you ask what they did all day they say I played and played some more. He can run a dvd player faster than most grown ups and is a champ at playing video games and I have no clue what buttons to even push. Hello I grew up in the days of Mario Brothers. Then comes the time where he realises that the signs at the theme parks mean something like ummmm you have to be so tall to ride the rides, and with those bright eyes he looks up and says am I big yet? Then as it nears his 5th birthday he ask just about daily and I five yet? Each day I have to tell him not yet it started with months and than got down to weeks and than days and still the question comes over and over and I have to keep saying not today. Then the day is finally here and I wake him up with a happy birthday sweetie and he says in return am I five now and at last I can look at him and say yes today you are five! But, your heart aches for that little boy that the Dr. placed in your arm all those years ago, and you wonder where has all the time gone? How could I have gotten so caught up in life to miss out on all the little things I thought I would never miss? Yet I look back at all the times I said I would never be one of those people who are always on the go and never have time, and sitting here I realise I have become one of them with out even knowing it, but that can be fixed. Any how when I ask him what he wanted for his birthday dinner and he says french fries and a green shake of course that's exactly what I gave him! So the end to a wonderful birthday and looking forward to each one yet to come but in hopes they come slower than all the ones that have come before now.

Drunk Drivers

Okay so I am driving home today and already cranky for who knows what reason what I was on the verge of tears but needed to get home before I could break down in private. So I am six lights from home and stopped so I start to pop in my favorite CD when all of a sudden I get hit from behind. I look in the rear view mirror to see the person who just smacked in to the back of my car. I move to the side of the road so traffic can keep going and then check to make sure my son is ok which he was. I get out and walk over to this guys car and ask for his insurance and he say ok, well come to find out the dumb ass didn't even have any. Then all I can smell is alcohol I ask him if he had been drinking and he looks at me and goes I had one beer. One beer my ass doesn't make you smell like that. So I look at him and I go Thank GOD you did not hurt my child and how dare he get in his car and drive. I look at his friend who was with him and I ask him if he had a drink and he said NO I was about to flip a lid I ask him why wasn't he driving, he had no answer. Now back to this driver he was telling me he would take care of my car if I didn't call the police and I told him that I had to since he didn't have insurance and I needed mine to fix my car. As I know this fool isn't going to pay. SO I call the police and I tell the lady on the phone that he had been drinking and told her what had happened. So while we are waiting for the cop to arrive he tells me he doesn't have a license . Yes that's right he had already lost his license to a DUI not so long ago and decided to drink and get behind the wheel today. Luckily no one was hurt but my poor car and the front of his. Well low and behold the cop shows up minutes later and has him to a drunk test in the field which he fails. So he is arrested and taken in for driving under the influence, Driving under a suspended license, for causing an accident and for not having and insurance. Now the cop turns to me and ask if I think he will pay for the damages and I say no I do not. Come on now there is no way this guy is going to pay. So the cop says that its just a paint transfer and it can be buffed out and its not worth filling out the police report. I was shocked I thought in an accident you had to do one. So here I leave the scene with some crazy guys address and phone number and damage to my car. I was pissed.
What I don't understand in all of this is how the heck is this guy driving and now he will have a second DUI and will just loose his license for a year and do some community service but in the mean time he will still drink and drive. I pray he doesn't ever hurt any one.
I am not saying I am a saint or anything because GOD knows I was in that boat a few years ago. Yes you read that right I got a DUI in 2005. Thankfully I got pulled over before I hurt some one or myself. Yes I was pissed and scared. Yet I dealt with what I had to do to learn another lesson which I should have already known. I lost my license for 90 day and I had a breathing thing put in my car, I also had to pay 2500 dollars for and attorney, who got my charge dropped to negligence after two years, I also have to carry and sr22 for three years, I had to sit in a victims panel, and take an acohol class. Now you would have thought I would have stopped drinking but I didn't. I just stopped going out and became a functioning acoholic. Then one day I got pregnant and stopped and didn't have a drink until after two weeks when I wasn't sure what I was going to do emotionaly. I didn't drink as much just on the weekends after I put my son to sleep, but that only last a while then I was back up to drinking every night and sometimes I would binge drink and be so sick. Well in June my therapist said either I stop drinking or else I would be ordered to go to AA and admit that I had a problem. Well I have been sober two months as of August 8th.
Let me tell you after today I will never touch another drink as Long as I live.

Visits with my son

Its almost like Christmas but better when I see my son. That means I get to hold him and see him smile up at me. I remember the first visit after the hospital it was actually a week I think after he went home with his parents and we met at a Starbucks. No one else seemed to matter but him he was so tiny in his car seat. He was just sleeping away ( The time when he had his days and nights mixed up). I took him out of his car seat almost afraid to even touch him as if he may break. I almost felt like a first time mom. But I just looked at him and I thought about how amazing he was.
The second time I got to see him was in December and now mind you I had only seen pictures of him up until the visit. Now yes a picture can be worth a million words, but nothing could have ever done justice for the way he looked sleeping on their hotel bed when I got there. I picked him up and he bigger than the last time I had my eyes on him. I just wanted to hold him and not put him down. The part that hit the heart was when he cried it wasn't me that he wanted to sooth his worries but his parents. After a few minutes of holding him and he started to open his eyes and he looked up at me as if he knew who I was all along. I am sure it was my voice he remembered. Through out the visit I think the only time I put him down was when he got in his car seat on the way to dinner. His little gins meant the world to me. I took them all in.
Oh now the third visit was a blast I got to see him on his own turf. When I got there he was sitting up playing with is toys on the floor. Wow can you believe it he was sitting up all by him self. I walked over to him to say hi and he just had the biggest grin ever. It was the toothless grin. We played all afternoon. I got to try and rock him to sleep, but he was not having a nap. He stayed up all day as if he to were trying to take all of us in before we would be gone for a few more months.
A few weeks ago I got to see him again. Time has gone by so fast. He went from sitting to now being mobile and is crawling all over the place and well the army crawl anyhow. Once again I just held him and not wanting to put him down. I some how try to make up for not holding him. The most amazing part was that when he got sleepy I rubbed his back and he fell asleep. Which was the first time I had done that since we were in the hospital together.
I will always treasure each visit. Its hard to beleive the next time I see him he will be a year old.

Blog Blocked

So the other day I get ready to check another moms blog and then write something that I had been thinking about at work...... Well wouldn't you know my work blocked both mine and hers. Now whats so funny about this is that there are a few other blogs that I had in my favorites which I would read every now and than but they didn't block them. If they only knew how helpful blogging can be.