Waiting for it to be normal again.

The last post was hard for me to write and it actually took a month. I know it may not be all that great and some of my emotions may not be out there. I am not good at all of that, but thats where my life started going crazy. As of today it has been one month and I miss her now more than ever. I have a ton of questions that will most likely never be answered. I feel like taking her off life support was wrong, even though they said she had no brain activity. I keep praying that life will figure it's self out, and slowly it does. I now have my ten year old brother who looks to me for answers and I have none. I don't even think I have the answers I need myself. I do know this no matter how hard it may seem to forgive some one it is better that they know you for give them, then them die never knowing. Tell the people you love that you love them everyday as you never know when they will no longer be there. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, Love your MOM!

The Call that Changed My Life Forever

I woke up normal, went to work like normal, I even had lunch with a co worker. Upon returning from lunch I noticed flowers on my desk that R had delivered, tulips my favorite. Then I went about logging back into my computer and checking emails that had come through while I was out of the office. I picked up my phone to see if I had any missed text. I noticed I had three missed calls, one from my aunt S who is pregnant, and two from my aunt J who rarely calls. Well, ok neither of them calls very often. I then listened to my voicemails and both of them left ones saying that I needed to call them. Of course I called my aunt S thinking something was wrong with the baby. She ask me if I had talked to anyone else and I said no I just called her. The next words that came from her mouth to my ear would sound so unreal. She said I don’t know how to tell you this but your mom is on life support and is dying. I sat there with the phone to my ear and the tears began to fall and I was not sure what to do I just knew I needed to get to her. But yet I just sat there frozen in my chair. I then stood and told my co worker I needed to go. I felt as if my world had stopped. And I had no idea how to function. My hands shook and I looked for something to tell me this was a horrible joke but nothing like that came. I gathered my things and slowly walked to my car, as my mind tried to make sense of everything that was happening. I called my aunt J to ask her where my mom was and where I needed to go and she said Texas. Crazy how in the world did my mom end up in Texas? She said to be calm and that she was leaving Pennsylvania and would get there in two days, I told her I would be on the next flight out of Seattle. I then called to have my son picked up, as I didn’t want him to see me in the state I was in and I didn’t know what to say to him. I then called R to ask him to come home and drive me to the airport. He ask what was the matter and if I was okay all I could get out was my mom was dying and I needed to get to her. The drive home was so long. To me it felt as if I were standing still and cars were zooming by. I walked in and I told R where I needed a flight and went to gather some things for my son then I went to try and find a letter my mom had written to me. I have no idea why but I needed to read it and hear her in my mind. A point where she was breathing on her own and we were talking. I also wanted to find a picture of me and her when I was a baby; it is one of my favorite pictures for some reason. I just sat there and cried wondering where everything went wrong. R informed me there were no flights leaving Seattle to Texas that day. I told him he was nuts and I would call my self. I called and found just one and it was a thousand dollars one way. There was no way that I could afford that and then wonder how to get home. R found one leaving the next day but it was also four hundred one way and didn’t leave until the afternoon. I wanted to get there, and fast, with out even thinking about it I decided to drive. Yes you read that right I decided to drive to Texas from Seattle by my self. The farthest I had ever driven to this point was to visit my son who lives at the most six hours away. I told him I didn’t want her to be alone, and he said I needed to think about it. I said what was there to think about? I tossed some clothes in the car and map quested my way and out the door I went. I told R he could come but I had no idea how long I would be gone for. I had a few stops to make before I really go on the road like I needed a phone charger which was a nightmare to find, and I needed to drop my sons stuff off to him. I finally got driving at six pm Tuesday night. So once I was on the road for several hours it started to hit me at how crazy I was to think about driving. But I cried a lot and did plenty of thinking about what I wanted to say to my mom before she died or if by a miracle she woke up. I wanted to tell her how sorry I was for being such a stubborn and hard headed person. That I wish I could give her the time she deserved with my son. I wanted to tell her how upset I was to always come last to her. How much I hated drugs. I most of all wanted to tell her I loved her no matter what and I was just flat out sorry. I also wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to hear her say I love you and I have missed you so much. To hear her laugh and to just talk to her, was me being selfish and wanting something I pushed away. Mile after mile I fought sleep and tears and the thought she would pass away before I got there and my trip would have been pointless. I got there Thursday afternoon at one o’clock. I went in to her room and just looked at her laying there hooked up to tubes and machines. She looked so helpless, and like someone I had forgotten. Tears filled my eyes as I let her know I was there. I help her hand and rubbed her head. I told her how sorry I was and how I forgave her for everything. I also voiced how much I wanted her to wake up there was so much we had left to do, and I wasn’t ready to not have a mom. I just sat there I also thanked God for letting me get there before he took her to be with him. With in a few minutes it was a nightmare as the rest of my family arrived and they couldn’t be civil not even when she laid on her death bed. I was so angry with them. I just wanted to be with her and for her last day be peaceful. We found out later that day that she had no brain activity. When the words came from the nurse I couldn’t grasp what she was saying. I didn’t want to be in the room with everyone as she told them my mom’s life was over. I wanted to be there with her. I wanted to tell her again how much I loved her and wanted her to wake up. I then went to the chapel to talk to God o ask him why and to be with her when she goes. I didn’t want her to be alone. I ask the nurse if I could stay with her that night, she said they usually didn’t allow people to do that, I told her I needed that as she would no longer be here and I had so much to tell her. She said after she gave her a bath that I could. I went out side to wait and as I did I became more and more angry with my family. I could see just how selfish they really were and it upset me. I wanted to tell them to go home, I didn’t need them and neither did she. The night turned in to a complete mess and I never got to spend my Mom’s last night with her. I ended up leaving a few short hours later with a brother I had only meet a few times in his life and now I took him home to raise. I started this trip with a mom, but I left it motherless and a mother to a new child. I have never in my life felt so selfish and empty at the same time.

My little guy is growing up

The other day he was out with his day as he is on nights I go to school, and when I go there to pick him up he was so excited to tell me something..... That something was at 5 1/2 he had learned to swim with out floaties. I am so proud of him. He seems to be growing up faster than I would like.

I did it

I stood up to my orthodontist. I went in one morning during work so I could be the first patient of the day and he was late, twenty minutes. I became so angry as I sat there. When he came in I finally spilled all the questions that I had been holding back on asking. He tried saying he was as puzzled as I was. I then told him if I didn't have to pay I would have went to see some one a while ago. So, he told me he would look for a dentist that would take my case. I didn't think he would look but he did and I went for a consultation and the new guy was so amazing. He knew all kinds of things and he didn't make me feel like I had no idea of what I thought my teeth should look like. So this week I went and he took my braces off. My mouth looks so happy. I can't stop smiling. I do how ever get a new set on next month, but that okay. The new guy is like number four in the nation. I am stoked! This is a good start to my year.

Build a Bear

Last weekend Jacob and I made a trip to Build a Bear. I had been putting it off because I knew it was pricy but this year I am not going to let that stand in my way of having fun.

When we got there I let him pick out what ever animal he wantedit took him a few minutes to decide and then he chose a turtle. As we waited in line to get stuffing I ask him if he wanted to put a sound in and he said no. I was surprised. But in a way I was relieved that I wouldn't have to hear a sound over and over again. He got to press the pedal to help stuff his turtle and he talked with the lady about his new toy. Then you go over and fluff the animal on a make shift tub that makes bath sounds. We sort of talked about clothes while we were in line, I had suggested that he at least get jeans. Well then when we got to picking out clothes I was once again in aww as my son looked over all the clothes before making his final choice. He chose the cutes little polo shirt, jeans, boots, socks and underwear. As every person or Turtle has one more thing they need and that is pj's . We went to make the birth certificate before before checking out and this is where the turtle got his name. With out blinking Jacob said he wanted his name to be Rex. So thats what I typed. While we were in line I noticed this little girl in front of us had a carrier which I hadn't seen. I asked the cashier and she got us one. Jacob just smiled. After checking out we were going to walk down the mall. Jacob wanted to have Rex on his back and I was okay with it, but then I started to thin of what other people would think of a little boy walking in the mall with a stuffed toy on his back. Then when I looked at his smile I realizes that it doesn't matter what other people think its what he thinks as he carries his new friend around with him. Boy was he beaming. I told him when we got home I would take a picture of him and Rex so he could have it forever.

Taking pictures was even more fun than making Rex. Plus now he has a picture to send to his grandma so that she can see Rex.

I can't tell you the last time I had this much fun! Enjoy the picute of Rex and Jacob.

I received this in an email today and Wow

This is beautiful! Try not to cry.
She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room.She said: 'How is my little boy ? Is he going to be all right ? When can I see him?'The surgeon said, 'I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.' Sally said, 'Why do little children get cancer ? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you ?'The surgeon asked, 'Would you like some time alone with your son ? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.' Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ranher fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. 'Would you like a lock of his hair ?' the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plasticbag and handed it to Sally.The mother said, 'It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. 'I said no at first, butJimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help someother little boy spend one more day with his Mom.' She went on, 'My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting tohelp others if he could.' Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spendingmost of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. Shecarried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair toher son's room. She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his roomexactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and,hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep. It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was afolded letter. The letter said : 'Dear Mom,
I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I willever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say 'I Love You' . I will always loveyou, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Untilthen, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide toget a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do.You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me.
This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me assoon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time tosee everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know w! hat? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, Iknew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD !
And guess what, Mom ? I gotto sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye andeverything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom ?God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off toyou.
God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you askedHim 'Where was He when I needed him ?' 'God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as Healways is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see whatI've written except you. To everyone else this is ! just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool ? I have to g ive God His pen back now He needs it towrite some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the tablewith Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone.I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand tosee me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery ! How about that ? Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.

Sales, sales and more sales!

Oh what a wonderful world. For anyone who knows me I am all about coupons and finding the best deal. I clip coupons every Sunday and have a super way to organize them. I rarely if ever pay full price for anything. I know it will go on sale eventually and if it doesn't I am not meant to have it. Well, this is my favorite time of year. I also vowed that this year I would be all done Shopping for Christmas before December. Yes that's right! As a child I remember my grandmother buying gifts as early as January and I would think how crazy, but now as an adult I say what a wonderful idea. Lol I started shopping today and not on purpose at all. You see I went to Target to buy a birthday gift for a birthday party this weekend only to find they had four aisles of toys at 75% off. Oh what a wonderful sign to see up. So I got stuff for birthdays and gifts for next year at Christmas and already have two people off my list for next Christmas. I got so much stuff and spent little one thing I got retailed not so long ago for $80 and I got it for $20.
Another great store is also having an amazing sale. That store is Old Navy. They are having the additional 50% off the clearance prices. What a great time to stock up if you have little ones on the next size up. I went last year and for my son pants for 5 buck when I would normally pay twenty.
Fred Meyer I hear is also having an additional 40% of their clearance prices including house hold items.
If you are a thrifty shopper you too know what a great time of year this is and will most likely be doing what I will be doing this weekend and that is SHOPPING!