I use to think that a true friend was some one that you got together with once in a while and the person whom you told everything to. I also thought htat this person would be there for the long ride. Boy was I slapped in the face this past year with finding out who my true friends were.
H and I did everything together, there wasn't much time that we weren't doing something together. When we were hanging out we were on the phone just talking. She was the person I went to with everything. Then shortly after I got pregnant her husband got new orders to relocate to another country. I thought that the distance wouldn't be a problem with our friendship. It took a while for her phone service to get on and it cost alot to call her. So I thought emails or snail mail would keep us connected. But in the mean time life happened and some how we drifted apart. I couldn't even tell you the last time I talked to her, I mean really talked to her and caught up on life. I miss the days of her being part of my life.
K and I had the summer of a life time. The summer when I was trying yo find my place and who I was. It was a blast. Then she met a guy and I went mine. After a huge blow up we barely talked. After I found out I was pregnant I had lots of time to think about mending things in my past so I figure why not. I went to her work and we talked during a lunch, you could feel the tention. But our frenship started to pick up again. In time I saw that she hadn't changed. She drank more than ever and other choices in her life were ones I wasn't sure I wanted to be a part of because I had changed alot in my life. I am not saying that I woke up one morning and became this great person. But with time I became a good person. I did things I could be proud of. So today she sends me a message saying "whatever, you never want to do anything any more", to be honest I am not sure I do.
You maybe wondering where I am going with this. Well those are two people who mean something to me and not even one of them called me to see how I was holding up on my sons first birthday. Not even an email to say they were there if I needed them.
You know who did talk to me that week was S and she was a great shoulder to lean on and I hope I can be there for her. Thank you S for all that you have said to me and thank you for being there. It has meant a lot to me.
Have you looked at who your true friends are lately?
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Sunday, September 16, 2007
MOM
Okay so before I go to a visit I prepare my self for the changes that have happened since last time I visited with him. So that I can mentally beokay with where he is and so it won't be super emotional at the time of the visit. Before the last visit we had talked about what he was doing such as crawling and pulling him self up and talking. So with knowing he was talking I don't know why I was so surprised that he could say mom mom mom. I looked at him and had to step in to the bath room to regroup my self. I mean I knew he could talk I guess I just forgot that he would of course what to say mom mom mom. Also they were not tears of just sadness but tears of joy because that showed just how much he cared for his mom. The part that I knew would heart the heart one day was knowing he would call mom and not me. I guess it just caught me off guard. But I am so happy for her to have the title as mom, which wasa dream come true for her. When he is old enough he will be able to say Julie and it will bring a tear to my eye too.
1ST Bithday party and visit
Yesterday I was honored to be present at Jadons 1st birthday party. When I arrived he had just woken up from a nap and just looked at me trying to place where he knew me from and he wasn't sure if he wanted to leave his moms arms yet or not. Which was okay as I understood that from prior mothering exprience. With in a few minutes I was ready to try to hold him, and to my surprise he came right to me, but he was sure to look and make sure his mom was still close. I then got to seed him his lunch. He sat there in his chair and when he was ready for another bite his little mouth would just pop open and he would give me this look like your not giving me food fast enough. But in between bites I would get the most presious smile in the world. As he ate he would look behind me as thats was where Jacob his big brother was sitting, and he wanted to know what he was doing. I love holding him as much as I can during my visits. We then played on the floor, as his mom got things ready for his party to begin.
On this visit I was also honored to get to meet other people who play a role in his life. He has two great sets of grandparents who love him so much. Another benifit if this was seeing how much he loved each of them back and being included in that part of his life.
He wasn't to sure about the sound of the paper when he opened his gifts but he liked what was in the inside once the paper was gone. Also when it came time for cake he didn't mind putting his hands in it but he wanted nothing to do with eating it. Later he enjoyed some of his moms chocolate cake which he couldn't seem to get enough of. After he got all messy I had the honor of giving him his clean up bath.
In bath time I was able to capture some smiles on my camera. This was the first bath I had given him since his very first bath ever which I had given him in the hospital a year before. This time he was able to sit up all by him self and splash in the water and play with the new bath toys I had given him as a birthday gift.
We played some more through out the after noon and then he got super sleepy so I attempted to put him down for a nap. I wanted to try and rock him to sleep as it gives me some alone time with him during the visit. So we took Tad bit and went in to try and nap. Well his super excited to see him big brother didn't want to get out of the room and of course Jadon wanted nothing more than to stay up and play with him. So once I was able to get him out of the room he started to suck his thumb and then layed his head on my shoulder. Then he would hear some one in the hall way and look around. Then he would look at me and just grin and grin. As we were in there it was almost as if he knew how much I needed those smiles. He was also full of giggles which he shared with me. Then in would come Jacob trying to see what was going on. He just became more and more tired. So finally his mom brought in one last bottle for him. As I held him and he drifted off to sleep I fed him his last bottle. Which was nice because I had fed him his first bottle ever and his last once. Which is a memory I will cherish forever. I was able to rock him to sleep which I guess he usually doesn't let any one do, but I am sure he knew how much I needed to feel him asleep on my chest
I believe every time he looks at me with those big blue eyes he knows what happened and almost as if he understands. I know later I will have to answer any questions he may have. It was agreat visit. I look forward to seeing him on the next one. In the mean time I will enjoy all the picture I took and the ones I will get along the way.
On this visit I was also honored to get to meet other people who play a role in his life. He has two great sets of grandparents who love him so much. Another benifit if this was seeing how much he loved each of them back and being included in that part of his life.
He wasn't to sure about the sound of the paper when he opened his gifts but he liked what was in the inside once the paper was gone. Also when it came time for cake he didn't mind putting his hands in it but he wanted nothing to do with eating it. Later he enjoyed some of his moms chocolate cake which he couldn't seem to get enough of. After he got all messy I had the honor of giving him his clean up bath.
In bath time I was able to capture some smiles on my camera. This was the first bath I had given him since his very first bath ever which I had given him in the hospital a year before. This time he was able to sit up all by him self and splash in the water and play with the new bath toys I had given him as a birthday gift.
We played some more through out the after noon and then he got super sleepy so I attempted to put him down for a nap. I wanted to try and rock him to sleep as it gives me some alone time with him during the visit. So we took Tad bit and went in to try and nap. Well his super excited to see him big brother didn't want to get out of the room and of course Jadon wanted nothing more than to stay up and play with him. So once I was able to get him out of the room he started to suck his thumb and then layed his head on my shoulder. Then he would hear some one in the hall way and look around. Then he would look at me and just grin and grin. As we were in there it was almost as if he knew how much I needed those smiles. He was also full of giggles which he shared with me. Then in would come Jacob trying to see what was going on. He just became more and more tired. So finally his mom brought in one last bottle for him. As I held him and he drifted off to sleep I fed him his last bottle. Which was nice because I had fed him his first bottle ever and his last once. Which is a memory I will cherish forever. I was able to rock him to sleep which I guess he usually doesn't let any one do, but I am sure he knew how much I needed to feel him asleep on my chest
I believe every time he looks at me with those big blue eyes he knows what happened and almost as if he understands. I know later I will have to answer any questions he may have. It was agreat visit. I look forward to seeing him on the next one. In the mean time I will enjoy all the picture I took and the ones I will get along the way.
Happy 1st Birthday
Last year on September 12th the most amazing baby entered the world, and not knowing that the following events would change the course of his life forever. As he came out I saw the joy on his new parents face and I knew what I was doing was right so if I had any doubt up to that point it was gone. The nurse laid him on my chest and the tears filled my eyes ones of joy not ones of sadness I was so excited to finally bemeeting him.
Now it has been one year and its hard to believe. With each visit he gets bigger and bigger and starts to become his own person. The first birthday was hard for me because the events of his birth even though they were good played over and over in my mind. I think everything I looked at had some way of reminding me of him and how we spent the first few days of his life together, and prepared to go our seperate ways. To me its hard I guess to see him as a toddler when in my mind he is still this tiny baby even though I have pictures and I have seen him in person to make that not true.
I made it though as will the other moms who have went through this before me and the ones to come after me. But I am greatful for the moms who are goign though this that I have the chance to become friends with.
Now it has been one year and its hard to believe. With each visit he gets bigger and bigger and starts to become his own person. The first birthday was hard for me because the events of his birth even though they were good played over and over in my mind. I think everything I looked at had some way of reminding me of him and how we spent the first few days of his life together, and prepared to go our seperate ways. To me its hard I guess to see him as a toddler when in my mind he is still this tiny baby even though I have pictures and I have seen him in person to make that not true.
I made it though as will the other moms who have went through this before me and the ones to come after me. But I am greatful for the moms who are goign though this that I have the chance to become friends with.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Kidergarten Blues
Last week I got to experience sending my son off to Kindergarten. You would think this would be an easy task since I dropped him off at day care Monday through Friday. The night before he ask me "Mom what if no body likes me?", I looked at him and assured him every one would love him and he would make so many new friends. He seemed okay until it came time to say good bye until the afternoon. Sure enough his little eyes filled with tears and I just hugged him pointed him in the direction of his class and hid in the corner behind another mom. I feel like a coward for being behind that other mom but I knew that if I didn't cut it short right then it would be harder later. Tears filled my eyes and started down my cheek. When the mom in front of me looked back and put her arms around me and said this must be your first and she said it would get better by the end of the week and assured me that I would be okay. It was so nice of her to do that and I wanted to say thank you to her but I haven't seen her since the first day. Her words meant to much to me at that moment. She was right to by the end of the week both of us were just fine. But wow does taking them to Kindergaten on the first day tug on your heart.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Going in to labor
Today one year ago I went in to labor, September 11.
Through out my whole pregnancy I wasn't able to sleep on my stomach because any time I did Jadon would kick around until I was in a spot where he was comfortable which was usually on my back. Why that is kind of funny is when I was pregnant with my first son I could only sleep on my stomach. Anyhow, so on the early morning of September 11th I figured I was just in a position that he didn't like so I tossed and turned alot trying to get him comfortable. Well, I woke up early as I couldn't get comfortable. So I called my aunt as I do some mornings, as I was trying to figure out if I was in labor. Yes I am a nut, I had never been in labor on my own before I was induced the first time. Now after she said I was most likely in labor that I should call the hospital. So I called E & A to tell them that I thought I was in labor. Then I called C to tell her and she said I should call my Dr and give him a heads up. So I called the clinic and she said I should go to the hospital to get checked out. Well if there is one thing I have learned over the years is that it can take a while for a baby to come out. So I went about my morning and I got my son ready to go to daycare, and I called my ex husband so he could pick him up. I packed a bag for the hospital and one for Jacob to take to his dads house, you see I would have done this earlier if I would have known I was going to be two weeks early.
AfterI packed the bag for the hospital it settled in my mind what was happening and I started to cry as I knew our time as mom and son and only the two of us was coming to an end faster than I was ready for it to end. My tears were so uncontrollable. I was sad and excited all in one.
Once I finished everything I thought that I needed to do I drove my son to daycare and told them that his dad would be picking him up and I was on my way to the hospital to have the baby. They offered to drive me but I declined.
Well On my way I waned new pjs as I knew I didn't want to be seen walking up and down the hospital in one of those gowns. I stopped at walmart and and spent some time trying to figure out which set I wanted. I finally chose a pair and left for the hospital.
Okay so even though I have gotten on the freeway in from that exit many times before wouldn't you know on that very day I would take the wrong one and go in the opposite direction..lol..only I would do something like that.
Finally I arrive at the hospital. Now I had sent in the paper work weeks ago to preregister as the Dr. said I should. Wouldn't you know they hadn't put me in the system. 20 min later I was in and on my way up to labor and delivery. They check and I wasn't dilated to much so she told me to get up and walk for a half an hour and then soak in the tub for thirty min. I walked and walked and walked some more, I swear you would think no one has ever seen a woman in labor walk the hall in the hospital. The looks people give you as you do. Well, after all of that I got sent home as they said I didn't change much from when I first got there.
Well on my way home I called my ex husband to tell him I would be picking Jacob up from school. Then I went home and tried to sleep, lol which doesn't work well when you are in labor. So as a young girl from hearing my mom talk to my aunts about what to do in labor, such as lay on your left side and walk alot. So thats what I did as I tried to sleep I layed on my left side. Then when I couldn't take that any more I got up and called my friends friend who is a mid wife and ask her how to speed up my labor. She said try lundges and squats. I called up a friend and went to the park and did just that for an hour and all I got was my contractions to speed up a few min. I took my friend home and went to pick my son up form daycare. They were surprised to see me non the less.
I did everything I normally did at night when I got home. My friend called and ask if I needed her to pick up Jacob and I said if I went to the hospital I would call her. She said she could only come until ten after that she wouldn't be able to get him. I told her I was fine. The contractions started to come more and more.
Around 11 they were 10 min apart and by 12 they were down to five so I figured it was time to go. So I called E & A to let them know I was about to drive to the hospital and would meet them there. They had just got in a half an hour earlier or so. Even though there case worker said not to because I wasn't going to have a baby today. I am so glad they followed their own judgement and not that of some one else.
So I loaded Jacob in to the car and went to get gas as I was on E and meant to get it earlier that day. Well, when I got out I had a contraction and decided against the gas. I got on the free way and was on my way. When it came time to exit ....they were doing construction and my exit was closed so I had to exit and get on another way...yes I find that funny since a simalier thing happened earlier in the day at almost the same exit.
Once I arrived at the hospital I got my stuff and Jacob and walked to the door breathing through a conraction. They noticed that I was in labor before I entered I think. They checked me in and just then two more ladies also in labor walked in. (both of which were also sent home that day by the same nurse I had)
When I got up stairs E & A were there and Jacob was all excited to see them and so was I. The nurse checked to see if I had changed any since I was in earlier and I had. She got me up and walking and I walked the halls with A as E played with Jacob. It was nice having A there with me as I walked this time we talked about the little hats that we saw in the nursery and the pictures we saw on the wall. We also talked about how excited we were to finally be meeting Jadon. Needless to say the contractions got the better of me. So I decided I would take soaking in the tub over walking...haha if I had it all to do over I would keep walking.
A later told me that it helped with E nerves having Jacob there to keep him occupied. He ended up falling asleep in the chair in the room.
Time finally came for the epadural. Which was much needed by then. This was at like two in the morning. I had been in labor since 5:30 the morning before. The Dr. who put it in I am not quite sure he knew what he was doing I heard things breaking behind me and he was asking what wires were for. Trust me that not what you want to hear coming from the mouth of the man sticking a needle in your back. A saw my pain and held my hand.
I am not sure I will ever be able to tell you how great it was to have both of them there through this. It brought us so much closer than anything else we had done up to this point.
After the epadural kicked in I fell asleep. Which was good. The only time I woke up was when the Dr. came in to check my and to break my water.
It was just a matter of a few hours before we would be meeting Jadon.
Through out my whole pregnancy I wasn't able to sleep on my stomach because any time I did Jadon would kick around until I was in a spot where he was comfortable which was usually on my back. Why that is kind of funny is when I was pregnant with my first son I could only sleep on my stomach. Anyhow, so on the early morning of September 11th I figured I was just in a position that he didn't like so I tossed and turned alot trying to get him comfortable. Well, I woke up early as I couldn't get comfortable. So I called my aunt as I do some mornings, as I was trying to figure out if I was in labor. Yes I am a nut, I had never been in labor on my own before I was induced the first time. Now after she said I was most likely in labor that I should call the hospital. So I called E & A to tell them that I thought I was in labor. Then I called C to tell her and she said I should call my Dr and give him a heads up. So I called the clinic and she said I should go to the hospital to get checked out. Well if there is one thing I have learned over the years is that it can take a while for a baby to come out. So I went about my morning and I got my son ready to go to daycare, and I called my ex husband so he could pick him up. I packed a bag for the hospital and one for Jacob to take to his dads house, you see I would have done this earlier if I would have known I was going to be two weeks early.
AfterI packed the bag for the hospital it settled in my mind what was happening and I started to cry as I knew our time as mom and son and only the two of us was coming to an end faster than I was ready for it to end. My tears were so uncontrollable. I was sad and excited all in one.
Once I finished everything I thought that I needed to do I drove my son to daycare and told them that his dad would be picking him up and I was on my way to the hospital to have the baby. They offered to drive me but I declined.
Well On my way I waned new pjs as I knew I didn't want to be seen walking up and down the hospital in one of those gowns. I stopped at walmart and and spent some time trying to figure out which set I wanted. I finally chose a pair and left for the hospital.
Okay so even though I have gotten on the freeway in from that exit many times before wouldn't you know on that very day I would take the wrong one and go in the opposite direction..lol..only I would do something like that.
Finally I arrive at the hospital. Now I had sent in the paper work weeks ago to preregister as the Dr. said I should. Wouldn't you know they hadn't put me in the system. 20 min later I was in and on my way up to labor and delivery. They check and I wasn't dilated to much so she told me to get up and walk for a half an hour and then soak in the tub for thirty min. I walked and walked and walked some more, I swear you would think no one has ever seen a woman in labor walk the hall in the hospital. The looks people give you as you do. Well, after all of that I got sent home as they said I didn't change much from when I first got there.
Well on my way home I called my ex husband to tell him I would be picking Jacob up from school. Then I went home and tried to sleep, lol which doesn't work well when you are in labor. So as a young girl from hearing my mom talk to my aunts about what to do in labor, such as lay on your left side and walk alot. So thats what I did as I tried to sleep I layed on my left side. Then when I couldn't take that any more I got up and called my friends friend who is a mid wife and ask her how to speed up my labor. She said try lundges and squats. I called up a friend and went to the park and did just that for an hour and all I got was my contractions to speed up a few min. I took my friend home and went to pick my son up form daycare. They were surprised to see me non the less.
I did everything I normally did at night when I got home. My friend called and ask if I needed her to pick up Jacob and I said if I went to the hospital I would call her. She said she could only come until ten after that she wouldn't be able to get him. I told her I was fine. The contractions started to come more and more.
Around 11 they were 10 min apart and by 12 they were down to five so I figured it was time to go. So I called E & A to let them know I was about to drive to the hospital and would meet them there. They had just got in a half an hour earlier or so. Even though there case worker said not to because I wasn't going to have a baby today. I am so glad they followed their own judgement and not that of some one else.
So I loaded Jacob in to the car and went to get gas as I was on E and meant to get it earlier that day. Well, when I got out I had a contraction and decided against the gas. I got on the free way and was on my way. When it came time to exit ....they were doing construction and my exit was closed so I had to exit and get on another way...yes I find that funny since a simalier thing happened earlier in the day at almost the same exit.
Once I arrived at the hospital I got my stuff and Jacob and walked to the door breathing through a conraction. They noticed that I was in labor before I entered I think. They checked me in and just then two more ladies also in labor walked in. (both of which were also sent home that day by the same nurse I had)
When I got up stairs E & A were there and Jacob was all excited to see them and so was I. The nurse checked to see if I had changed any since I was in earlier and I had. She got me up and walking and I walked the halls with A as E played with Jacob. It was nice having A there with me as I walked this time we talked about the little hats that we saw in the nursery and the pictures we saw on the wall. We also talked about how excited we were to finally be meeting Jadon. Needless to say the contractions got the better of me. So I decided I would take soaking in the tub over walking...haha if I had it all to do over I would keep walking.
A later told me that it helped with E nerves having Jacob there to keep him occupied. He ended up falling asleep in the chair in the room.
Time finally came for the epadural. Which was much needed by then. This was at like two in the morning. I had been in labor since 5:30 the morning before. The Dr. who put it in I am not quite sure he knew what he was doing I heard things breaking behind me and he was asking what wires were for. Trust me that not what you want to hear coming from the mouth of the man sticking a needle in your back. A saw my pain and held my hand.
I am not sure I will ever be able to tell you how great it was to have both of them there through this. It brought us so much closer than anything else we had done up to this point.
After the epadural kicked in I fell asleep. Which was good. The only time I woke up was when the Dr. came in to check my and to break my water.
It was just a matter of a few hours before we would be meeting Jadon.
Monday, September 3, 2007
The visit were E & A both came
I was thrilled that E & A would get to both come to a Dr. visit before I delivered. If they were closer it would have been different I am sure but living 6 hours one way put a damper on things. At this visit we were talking about how long the Dr. would let me go over due before he would induce labor, which I had to have done with my first child. He told me that we would cross that bridge when we got there. I wanted to be induced because that was a sure way to make sure E & A would be there, which I wanted more than anything. They got to hear the heart beat again and I could see the joy rush over them, which made me know this was the right thing to do.
After the visit we were going to take a tour of labor and delivery. I highly recommend this, because it can be a bonding opportunity. Like I have stated before I wanted this to be like they were having a baby not me, and touring labor and delivery is what you do when you are having a baby. The nurses were so friendly when we got there. A ask questions which was good and the nurses were able to answer them.
Afterwards we all went to dinner and talked about the Dr. visit and all the things that were about to happen. Then we said our good byes and the next time we would see each other would be when I was in labor.
After the visit we were going to take a tour of labor and delivery. I highly recommend this, because it can be a bonding opportunity. Like I have stated before I wanted this to be like they were having a baby not me, and touring labor and delivery is what you do when you are having a baby. The nurses were so friendly when we got there. A ask questions which was good and the nurses were able to answer them.
Afterwards we all went to dinner and talked about the Dr. visit and all the things that were about to happen. Then we said our good byes and the next time we would see each other would be when I was in labor.
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