The time of the season

I went to a street fair to day with my older son whom I parent and all around it seemed every where I looked were pregnant women and babies. How quick I was to forget that this is the time of year when all the pregnant women are out and about or at least showing the most. Anyhow it made me think that just a year ago I to was pregnant and out and about only my story was a little diffrent than most of the women I saw today and that being that they will most likely be taking their baby home where I left mine at the hospital with his new parents who will love him forever. But I remember how it felt to have ankles the size of baseballs if not bigger and the way it felt when he would move around in my tummy to let me know he was still there. its just strange to me that something like that could trigger so many emotions and I am not even sure what to do with them. I wonder with time does it get easier to see pregnant people with out reliving my own in my mind?

This is the greatest poem

I found this on line one day and as I read it it was a little tough but I hope all of you enjoy it as much as I did.
To My Son, Their SonBy: Jeska Kelly
I say "hello my little William,"as he rests beneath my heart.I'll say "good bye" to little Williamwhen it's time for us to part. I say "good night, sweet dreams, my angel."I lay my hand upon my chest,knowing it won't be me that tucks him inas he lays down to rest. I say "ouch, William, that sort of hurts"as he moves inside of me.But I won't be the one to dry his tearsand mend his first scraped knee.I say "relax, sweet boy" to Williamas he grows and jumps and turns,but I won't be there to calm himwhen he's faced with life's concerns.When he's got a dirty diaper,when he's crying late at night,when he sees a shadow monster,and he's up 'til 3 with fright…When he eats his first real bite of food, when he's learning how to crawl,when he's being taught to hold a batand how to throw a ball…It won't be me there with him.And though at times it makes me sad,I know that God has given him his home, his mom, his dad. We'll always be connected.He's grown beneath my heart so long that he's also grown into it!The bond is precious and it's strong.But I am not his mother. She lives miles and miles away,with his daddy, surrounded by family,who have been waiting for the daywhen they will hold their precious baby,when they will have their darling son,and to know I've born the answer to their prayersbrings peace when the day is done.And so I say to sweet, sweet William, as I prepare to see him leave my side, "I love you so much I'll let you go.It wasn't easy to decide…But God's got a big, big plan for you,He's got a home for you to make.He's just got a different last name,a different path for you to take. You are God's child first, And He'll put you in your place.From His hands, to mine, to your mom and dad's,through the power of His grace.I thank Him for your precious life.I thank Him for your dad and mom. But most of all I thank Him for the strengthto place you where you belong."

The nerve of some Adoptive moms

You see I am a member of another birthmom site and sure enough adoptive moms are allowed to post as well which isn't the problem but this one that I read last night didn't sit to well with me. It was about this lady who had adopted a little boy and how his mom choose a very closed adoption to the point that she didn't even hold him in the hospital. Which if thats how she needed to deal with the pain she was about to go through for the rest of her life by all means, we all have our own way about doing so. Now this adoptive mom was talking about how she was trying to track this woman down so that she may have a relationship with her son. Now for some its much easier to cut all contact and if thats what birthmoms decided that the adoptive family should respect that. So it goes on all to talk about how the mom moved and how the adoptive mom whats the agency to find her. And even to make things worse there is a birthmother feeding in to this ladys frenzy. Hello the mom made it very clear what she wanted. If she wanted a relationship than she would have picked an open adoption instead of closed. Get a clue already. She also went on to say how she didn't want her son to feel unloved. I am sure if she would explain just how much his first mom loved him than he will be okay and if and when he is old enough and wants to try and find his mom by all means thats his right and it will be her right at that time if she excepts the relationship or not. For birthmoms sometimes the pain is just to much no matter what kind of adoption they have. Just let them deal the way thats best for them not the way that the adoptive family thinks is right. I am not saying that all adoptive familys are bad as I know I have an amazing one and wouldn''t trade them for the world. They give me space when I need it and they are there when I need them.

T- Ball MOM's

This is my first season with any type of sport with my son as most you can't join until you enter Kindergaden, so this is my first time dealing with other moms in this setting or any other for that matter. So the first practice his dad takes him and I come straight from work and watch him from the side line. Wondering to myself if this is really something he sould be doing in the first place as I am sad to my self that he is growing so fast. Anyhow I try and make small talk with the moms around me and I am not much for chatting with people that I don't know in the first place, but I try and pipe in when I see a chance ony to get a funny look or a snide giggle. Now I should tell you there are two groups of moms and somehow I ended up in the middle....What was I thinking? So I dreaded other practices knowing I would be sitting there with those same women who knew each other before and didn't need a new comer to their group. So by the third practice I decided that I would just sit on the other bleachers away from them. I was doing good and then came a mom I dadn't seen in the other groups and she was up for chatting. We sat there cheering for our children and chatting about life. We left the game and went our own ways till the next practice. Where we meet on the same bleachers as the Monday before and to our surprise there came all those other moms and guess what they were nice and chatty. I judged them before I even had more than a few minutes to know them. So we all sat cheering for our children and trying to keep them after the ball instead of playing in the dirt.
So today was picture day and as the vote this last Monday we were to wear gray pants and the shirt and hat provided to us. Yes I had purchased pants before he started but I got white thinking they would be easier to clean, I now had to buy new pants for pictures. So when we show up I notice there are way more kids then there had been in all the practices there with our color shirts on and ready to be part of "Our Team" photo. Hmmm now let me get this right you don't have to come to practice and so now your kids pants don't match the rest of the "Team". I sure hope the coach steps up and says that if they havn't been to practice they don't get to play in the first game as it is unfair to the children who have been chasing that ball since day one. Yes I know its T-ball but there still has to be a line some where. Oh and better yet we are assigned partners for snacks at the games and lucky me I got paired with some one who has been to one practice as its been to hot for her to come to the other ones. So I am sure that if she can't give up something to come to practice what makes the coach so sure that she will even be able to be part of making a snake for the kids on game day?

What comes around goes around

This past Saturday I decided that I would wake up and drive to the ocean as my son and I had yet to make our first trip of the season which we usually make in March. So the sky is blue as blue can be and not a cloud in the sky.....lol...that is until we got to highway 101, where there was a huge cloud which followed us to the ocean. We were not going to let that stand in our way. Pulling on to the beach you could just smell the ocean air which was great. So we park the car and walk down the beach gathering the things that my son thought were neat and putting them in to the bag he brought. When he looks at me and states he needs to go potty. Which if any one know my son knows he always waits till the very last minute to go. Now mind you we still have to walk back to the car and then drive down off of the beach and down the street to find a restroom. So knowing that he needed to go soon I got this bright idea to drive back by the weeds in hopes knowing no one would see him. The sand looked safe and hard like the stuff we were driving on..... So I get about two yards in and wouldn't you know that the front emd of my car went right down in the sand and got stuck! Yes thats right I said I got my car stuck in the sand. So my son starts freaking out and still has to go to the bathroom. I try to dig my self out and have no luck but I do manage to get a bigger hole to be stuck in. So I now know that I am going to need to feel like an idiot and ask for help from some one that I didn't even know. To my amazement the most amazing couple saw me stuck and was walking toward me at that very moment. They told me how they had done the same thing once before, and that all I needed was some drift wood and I would be good to go. With their help and another kind couple, I was out in a matter of minutes and still had a little boy who needed to go potty. I than did what any mother of a four old would do. That is I pulled back down on to the hard sand and opened two doors and told him to aim down and stood so no one would see him. Thats what I should have done in the first place but oh no I had to try to make it less obvious. Then we went on to enjoy the rest of our time at the ocean.
So with that long winded story being told it leads me to today on may way into work. I was already late as nothing would fit right grrrr I hate mornings like that. So here I am going the back way to miss alot of lights and traffic and it seemed that others had the same thought so it was a little slow. I come up on one of the only lights on that road and sure enough there is a car stuck right at the light. And cars were beeping and going past just looking at the sorry sucker stuck in the broken down car. Well one thing I was taught as a child is that we help those who need help. I guess alot of people weren't taugh that these days. So I rolled down my window and ask the lady behind the wheel if she needed help and she was so greatful that I didn't keep driving like all those people before. After a few minutes I figured out how to get her to the side of the road and pushed her there. ( Let see yes that took a minute as I am usually the one in the broke down car needing help. So you would have thought that I would have learned something from those who have helped me, but yeah I didn't) So once there I got my car turned around to give her a jump only to find out that she nor I had jumper cables.....Lol... Yes we are both girls! So we flag some one else down and they offered to go get theirs from home. Yet after they hadn't returned in ten min we figured they had flaked on us and so we flaged another person down. Just as they hooked theirs up the first guy returned, which was very nice of him to follow thru with what he said he was going to do it just took him a few extra minutes to find them. After all that we all came to learn that it wasn't her battery at all but something no one had time to figure out at eight o clock in the morning. So, I offered her a ride to where she was going and then I was on my way.
No if I had been like every other person on that road this morning I would have passed up the chance to meet a nice lady about my age with her heart set on what she wanted to do in life. We had made small talk while we were thinking of what to do on the side of the road, and we both learned that people are self centered these days and just to focused on what they have going on to lend a hand to some one who is in clear need of help.
So offten we want some one to lend us the hand and we are greedy and end the chain with us. My day in turn turned out alot better knowing I made someone elses day just a little better by just asking "Do you need some help?".

Another Blog hits home

I am a faithful reader of another writers blog. Today it hit home to something that had crossed my mind, but I really didn't put to much thought in to it but its a thing that one day will be a reality. That being that if my sons parents adopt again I will no longer be the only mother. Which will mean another set of parents to visit with and another child to love. Though I know they will not love my son any less, I guess its the idea. Plus I think it will be great to have sibblings for my son so that he knows the bond of sibblings. In so many ways it is such a great thing. And how selfish of me to think I would be the only mom to bring them Joy. However I do have the Joy of being the FIRST mom to walk that road with them. I truely wish them all the best in what the future holds.

My calender said....

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.....Okay so I am one of those people who rips off the date on their calander to find a new saying each day. I just find it boring to see the same picture every day for a month that would just make me know even more that I sit in the same spot 5 days out of the week and watch life happen out the window. Any how back to the saying I have today. Okay so for any one who has read my blog before knows that I started going to therapy to talk about the adoption and everything else in life, well one of the things I hate about it is that it brings up old ghost from the past. I am the type of person who if something I don't care to remember happens I vent for a day or so and then I bury it in the back of my mind to forever be forgotten. But as therapist think we don't really ever for get about it. So when I read todays sayign it made me stop and think maybe just maybe if I talk openly about things that have happened instead of trying to bury them all the time in hopes it will just go away that I may just find peace. Because as much as I hate to admit that part of me most likely is harboring anger towards the person whom I think wronged me for what ever reason. So how many times have we found our selves just going over and over something in our mind until we think we can't possably think of another out come from it. So many times I know my self that I look back on the what if's and wonder what could I have done. I could just worry my self sick with those and somehow I am unable to stop. So I guess my question to my self is am I truely the one that is stopping my self from having peace?