Nine Months Old today

Wow who would have guessed your little man could grow so fast? Each day it seems as if he is learning new things. I can't beleive that he is just about ready to start crawling when it seems like he should still be the little boy in my mind. Sometimes I find it hard that I miss alot of the first but than I think of all the joy it brings his parents.

First phone call with Birthfather since Birth.

Okay so every month on this day I become an emotional basket case and the reason being is on this day I gave birth to my son and was hit with reality that he was not coming home to me. I do not regrete my choice to place him. I just question all the events involved.
Today I had the chance to talk on the phone with my sons birthfather. Now this is the first time since my son was born. Lots of emotion involved. But most of all I felt his pain and I felt the grief that he was suffering. Now I am not saying that I know exactly what he is going thru as he is on a different side of the adoption that I am. But I know what its like to miss my son so much that it hurts and there being no one to turn to who truely understands. It was so nice to talk to someone who truely understood what I was saying and ment it. I know those I do talk to about my sons adoption mean well but its just some how different when they have been in your situation. Don't get me wrong I know one conversation doesn't make everything better, but I do hope that it is a start of a friendship that will make thing easier for our son to understand when he gets older. I just want everyone to be happy and get along, but then I know we are all human and make our own choices. I just want to be able to tell him all I know about our son and have peace in doing so.

I am so sick of the poor me crap the birth father is trying to pull.

Okay so last year after a one night stand I ended up pregnant, with a guys child whom I knew very little about other than a screen name on line. So when I realised that he was a possible birthfather I told him and in the same conversation I made it clear that I would place my child up for adoption. Thru out my pregnancy he was really no where to be found and when he did im me to say anything he would tell me that he supported my choice as he was not ready to be a dad. Well after giving birth he wanted to know about my sons parents and about my son and I answered all of his questions and he told me still he was glad that I put my son up for adoption as he was still not ready to be anyones dad. Shortly after talking to my sons parents he broke down and told his parents that I had his child and placed the baby up for adoption with out ever telling him. Sure thats why all the conversations on yahoo show that he thought it was a good idea up till he had to tell his mom. So with all that being said he thinks me and the adoptive parents planned all of this which is bazar to the least. As I didn't even know them before I met them thru the agency I used. So i think he needs to get over how he was ripped of all his rights in the wrong way. Hell I am the one that had to look like a complete slut and have an ad posted about me in the paper. Plus how much more clear could I be in saying you may be he father to my child..... ? Come on now the time for him to step up to the plate was prior to the birth and placement of my son. Not after my son had been with his family for 6 months.
Further more what about my rights as a mom who knew she was unable to give her son the life he needed? Was I supposed to end his life NO WAY. Did he stop and ask me if I wanted to give up my body to carry his child for nine months? Did he ask me if it was okay that my heart was ripped apart as I handed my son to his parents knowing I was doing the right thing and turn to walk away? Did he ask me if it was okay to be in pain for 25 hours before I pushed out and 8 plus pound baby? Did he ask me if it was okay that I would be okay to deal with strangers questions and my familys disappointment ?Where was he when I went back to work and people ask how my baby was doing and was he keeping me up all night and I had to say he was great and smile as I had no idea if he was up the night before. Where was he when I looked at my son and held him and told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was that I couldn't take him home? Yet he was to young to even understand? Where was he when I peed on the stick and it turned blue due to failed birthcontrol? Where was he when my feet were sweeled from water and heat ? Where was he when I had to explain to my other son why his brother wouldn't be coming home with me after he waited for 9 long months? Where was he when I got to see him post placement and look at him and realise that he had grown so much? Where was he when I woke up crying because I missed my child? Where was he when I was sick to my stomach and could function half of the time? Where was he when all I wanted to do after I went home was to hold a baby and there was none there to hold? Where was he when guys would freak out when I told them I was pregnant after asking if I wanted to do something ? How many odd looks did he get when his clothes didn't fit right? Where was he when the Dr. couldn't find my sons heart beat and I was scared to death? Where was he the first time I saw him on an ultra sound and heart the first heart beat with tear filled eyes? Where was he when people ask whats wrong ans you can't say because you miss your child so much but know with all your heart you gave him a chance? Where was he when i couldn't even look or enter the baby section in the store with out the need to leave to go cry? Where was he when I needed to hear it will be okay? I will tell you where he was off doing what ever 21 year old males do?
So what do I have to say about him and his pitty party that he is getting from the people around him GET OVER IT you made your choice no be a man for once and face up to it.

Why I want to blog

I have decided to start a blog and will later link it to my myspace page that I am creating for moms who are in a situation and are unsure of the choice they want to make. Sometimes it is hard to cope when you wake up one morning and are faced with an unplanned pregnacy. It can also be very scary. Yes we all make choices and somethimes they come back and bite us when we least expect it. I also hope by sharing my story that I will be able to help another mom who is faced with a decision to make. I wish that when I was going thru this I would have done more research and also found sites and read other moms stories and I think it would have helped some. I am not saying that I have all the answers but I have been there and thats a start and I will try to find the answers for any of you who may need it. I feel there is a need for more sites to offer resources and a place for moms to go to talk to other moms in the same boat as they are. Because when you go thru this weather its your first pregnancy or your 8th they are all different and life at the time of each is different. For those lookign to adopt out their child you may not know anyone else who has but I hope to put you in touch with others who have. People close to the situation sometimes have a way of making your decision that much harder so why not have some one who has no strings in it look at it and listen and try and help you get your head straight.