What comes around goes around

This past Saturday I decided that I would wake up and drive to the ocean as my son and I had yet to make our first trip of the season which we usually make in March. So the sky is blue as blue can be and not a cloud in the sky.....lol...that is until we got to highway 101, where there was a huge cloud which followed us to the ocean. We were not going to let that stand in our way. Pulling on to the beach you could just smell the ocean air which was great. So we park the car and walk down the beach gathering the things that my son thought were neat and putting them in to the bag he brought. When he looks at me and states he needs to go potty. Which if any one know my son knows he always waits till the very last minute to go. Now mind you we still have to walk back to the car and then drive down off of the beach and down the street to find a restroom. So knowing that he needed to go soon I got this bright idea to drive back by the weeds in hopes knowing no one would see him. The sand looked safe and hard like the stuff we were driving on..... So I get about two yards in and wouldn't you know that the front emd of my car went right down in the sand and got stuck! Yes thats right I said I got my car stuck in the sand. So my son starts freaking out and still has to go to the bathroom. I try to dig my self out and have no luck but I do manage to get a bigger hole to be stuck in. So I now know that I am going to need to feel like an idiot and ask for help from some one that I didn't even know. To my amazement the most amazing couple saw me stuck and was walking toward me at that very moment. They told me how they had done the same thing once before, and that all I needed was some drift wood and I would be good to go. With their help and another kind couple, I was out in a matter of minutes and still had a little boy who needed to go potty. I than did what any mother of a four old would do. That is I pulled back down on to the hard sand and opened two doors and told him to aim down and stood so no one would see him. Thats what I should have done in the first place but oh no I had to try to make it less obvious. Then we went on to enjoy the rest of our time at the ocean.
So with that long winded story being told it leads me to today on may way into work. I was already late as nothing would fit right grrrr I hate mornings like that. So here I am going the back way to miss alot of lights and traffic and it seemed that others had the same thought so it was a little slow. I come up on one of the only lights on that road and sure enough there is a car stuck right at the light. And cars were beeping and going past just looking at the sorry sucker stuck in the broken down car. Well one thing I was taught as a child is that we help those who need help. I guess alot of people weren't taugh that these days. So I rolled down my window and ask the lady behind the wheel if she needed help and she was so greatful that I didn't keep driving like all those people before. After a few minutes I figured out how to get her to the side of the road and pushed her there. ( Let see yes that took a minute as I am usually the one in the broke down car needing help. So you would have thought that I would have learned something from those who have helped me, but yeah I didn't) So once there I got my car turned around to give her a jump only to find out that she nor I had jumper cables.....Lol... Yes we are both girls! So we flag some one else down and they offered to go get theirs from home. Yet after they hadn't returned in ten min we figured they had flaked on us and so we flaged another person down. Just as they hooked theirs up the first guy returned, which was very nice of him to follow thru with what he said he was going to do it just took him a few extra minutes to find them. After all that we all came to learn that it wasn't her battery at all but something no one had time to figure out at eight o clock in the morning. So, I offered her a ride to where she was going and then I was on my way.
No if I had been like every other person on that road this morning I would have passed up the chance to meet a nice lady about my age with her heart set on what she wanted to do in life. We had made small talk while we were thinking of what to do on the side of the road, and we both learned that people are self centered these days and just to focused on what they have going on to lend a hand to some one who is in clear need of help.
So offten we want some one to lend us the hand and we are greedy and end the chain with us. My day in turn turned out alot better knowing I made someone elses day just a little better by just asking "Do you need some help?".

Another Blog hits home

I am a faithful reader of another writers blog. Today it hit home to something that had crossed my mind, but I really didn't put to much thought in to it but its a thing that one day will be a reality. That being that if my sons parents adopt again I will no longer be the only mother. Which will mean another set of parents to visit with and another child to love. Though I know they will not love my son any less, I guess its the idea. Plus I think it will be great to have sibblings for my son so that he knows the bond of sibblings. In so many ways it is such a great thing. And how selfish of me to think I would be the only mom to bring them Joy. However I do have the Joy of being the FIRST mom to walk that road with them. I truely wish them all the best in what the future holds.

My calender said....

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself.....Okay so I am one of those people who rips off the date on their calander to find a new saying each day. I just find it boring to see the same picture every day for a month that would just make me know even more that I sit in the same spot 5 days out of the week and watch life happen out the window. Any how back to the saying I have today. Okay so for any one who has read my blog before knows that I started going to therapy to talk about the adoption and everything else in life, well one of the things I hate about it is that it brings up old ghost from the past. I am the type of person who if something I don't care to remember happens I vent for a day or so and then I bury it in the back of my mind to forever be forgotten. But as therapist think we don't really ever for get about it. So when I read todays sayign it made me stop and think maybe just maybe if I talk openly about things that have happened instead of trying to bury them all the time in hopes it will just go away that I may just find peace. Because as much as I hate to admit that part of me most likely is harboring anger towards the person whom I think wronged me for what ever reason. So how many times have we found our selves just going over and over something in our mind until we think we can't possably think of another out come from it. So many times I know my self that I look back on the what if's and wonder what could I have done. I could just worry my self sick with those and somehow I am unable to stop. So I guess my question to my self is am I truely the one that is stopping my self from having peace?

Zombie

Ok so I kept my appointment with the therapist. After talking to her I realized just how screwed up my life is and has been for as long as I can remember. But thats not my point in this post my point is she gave me some meds to take. She said they would help me sleep and would help with my roller coaster of emotions that I am having. I can't beleive all these years I made it with out being on meds to just get back on them. So I have only been on them for two days now and I feel like a zombie. I feel so out of it like when I am sitting at work I see everything happening around me but have no will to get involved in anything I just can't wait to come home and climb under the covers. Now the good part is I sleep all night and no waking up and no looking at the ceiling wishing I could fall asleep. So I hope that it is possible to be medicated and feel "normal" at the same time.

Total Meltdown

Okay so I am the type of person who tryes not to let things or people get to me. But yet I some how find myself stuck and so angry with everyone around me and thats what happened this weekend. It had been one of those weeks where everything that could go wrong did and very little could go right. So Friday night I decided that I would find what I needed in the bottom of a vodka bottle. I was rude and mean to those that I was around and finally I had had enough and wanted to go home, which I did( I didn't drive I have already learned that lesson and do not wish to repeat it). So once home I passed out just to wake up sick as ever and stil angry. The next day wasn't much better as I was still praying to the toilet and getting even more angry. So finally the day was over and so I took some tylenol to sleep and drifted off. Well Sunday seemed to be the day that I finally couldn't hold any more in and I had just enough. I got in a huge fight with my boyfriend and said lots of stuff that I will never beable to take back. I didn't even mean half of it but every thing just kept building up. There has just been so much happen over the past year and really the only people who listen are those who are some what involved. So the agency that I went thru for my sons adoption promised a life time of counsling after placement what a bunch of bull. So for the first time in a long time I am going to counsling tomorrow. And the funny part is part of me wants to not go, but after yesterday I know I need to go. Honestly I think it scares the daylights out of me to even let some one close enough to listen to what I feel.

Nine Months Old today

Wow who would have guessed your little man could grow so fast? Each day it seems as if he is learning new things. I can't beleive that he is just about ready to start crawling when it seems like he should still be the little boy in my mind. Sometimes I find it hard that I miss alot of the first but than I think of all the joy it brings his parents.

First phone call with Birthfather since Birth.

Okay so every month on this day I become an emotional basket case and the reason being is on this day I gave birth to my son and was hit with reality that he was not coming home to me. I do not regrete my choice to place him. I just question all the events involved.
Today I had the chance to talk on the phone with my sons birthfather. Now this is the first time since my son was born. Lots of emotion involved. But most of all I felt his pain and I felt the grief that he was suffering. Now I am not saying that I know exactly what he is going thru as he is on a different side of the adoption that I am. But I know what its like to miss my son so much that it hurts and there being no one to turn to who truely understands. It was so nice to talk to someone who truely understood what I was saying and ment it. I know those I do talk to about my sons adoption mean well but its just some how different when they have been in your situation. Don't get me wrong I know one conversation doesn't make everything better, but I do hope that it is a start of a friendship that will make thing easier for our son to understand when he gets older. I just want everyone to be happy and get along, but then I know we are all human and make our own choices. I just want to be able to tell him all I know about our son and have peace in doing so.