A New Year and a New Me!

As the New Year rings in I realize I too need a new approach to life. Over all the years that I have been here I have learned to conform to what was needed of me never really speaking up for what I want. In many cases I haven't taken the time to deal with emotions that have come with different situations in my life. I figured that many times it was and would be easier to force those emotions deep inside and never talk abotu them again. Now as an adult and a parent I see some of those situations coming back to bite me. Not that I would ever allow the people or those emotions to take over my life. Its the small things that I notice that scare me the most.
With the help of a very clsoe friend I will be able to do my own personal cleaning and healing. I plan on blogging about most of it. I think that by writing about the situations it will make it real and not just a hidden memory. Along with this I will be telling people that it is not okay to walk all over me that as hard core as I may seem I too have feelings that need to be respected. I am not ashamed of all the events there are a few that I am and I will admit that, but most of all I am a survivor which I will continue to be a survivor.

Dark Side of Adoption

Never in a million years would I have though I would be in a position that I resent my sons adoption. Yet here I am! I mean I know that adoption can't always have a silver linning, but for once I hoped it would be the one thing in my life that I would have done right. Its amazing how an adoption agency will move mountains for you while you are pregnant but once you have the child and sign away all of your rights they drop you faster than you can blink. Then you think you have choosen parents who appear able to do the job of raising your child better than you can in your current situation. Down the road their true colors begin to appear. Its amazing how easy it is to agree to things like visits and pictures, but no one realizes life still happens and speeds up. Before you know it your behind on emails and photos. Visits seem farther apart. You try hard to give them space to be thier own family and all you want in return is common courtesy. Soon they ignore your phone calls and they don't respond to your calls or text. Then reality hits your not invited to an event that you both agreed upon you attending, before the child was born.


Then comes the email becuase you referred to your self as his other mother in a phone message. His mom tells you she doesn't want him to be confused about the roles beteweewn you and her. First off it was the first time I ever referred to myself in any way to being his mom. Somehow you forgot I am his mom two and you use to be okay with that.

I am not having a hard time with adoption as one may think, I am simply sharing my side of adoption which I don't do often. If I were having a hard time I am sure I would share it like in the past....oh thats right we don't talk now we are simply strangers. The only difference between our relationship and real strangers is that we share a child.

Time flies

I have kept this blog in the back of my mind and always said I should post, but just haven't found the time. Work is slow so why not now!

There is so much that has happened since my last post. My little guy is turning 4 this year and next year the adoption takes on its own new role and I have come to terms with it. I still get to see him which is the most important part. No one ever tells you about all the transitions that you will go through during an adoption or all the years following. They also don't tell you all the aspects of your life that it touches and how everything is all tied in together somehow.

Over the past four years he has grown in to this amazing little man who has parts of me in him! He still knows how to melt my heart! I hope one day he sees how lucky he is to have so many people in his life that love and care about him.

My other little man is turning 8 and boy does that come with an attitude from somewhere. It seems every day one more baby tooth is coming out and he is my toothless grinning machine. I am thankful to have such a wonderful son to have to love. He tells me that he loves me more than I will ever know. He has no idea how much I love him in return and one day when he has his own family he will see. My life was forever changed because of him and I wouldn't trade it for a min. He also is at a point where he will ask a question and when I respond with the answer he informs me I am incorrect and gives me his answer which really isn't the answer. I ask him why then does he bother asking the question in the first place if he knew the answer already.....no response!

I have met the man of my dreams and I am learning to live one day at a time and not rush a life time into a short time. He fills my son and my life with lots of happiness. What the future holds is unknown and I am okay with that for the first time in my life.

I am down to 12 classes left in school then I can finally become a social worker. What the heck was I thinking when I lived life backwards? School with out children would have been so much easier, but this puts the pressure on and keeps me on my toes!

I hope all of you fellow bloggers are doing well!

Almost visit time

In just a few short weeks I get to go visit Jadon. He will be celebrating his 3rd birthday. Where three years have gone I will never know. I look forward to the visit because over the years life has become busy and communication has slowed on both ends. Not that we mean to not communicate its just life takes over and before we know it a month has gone by and we are left still saying we will email or call the other person. I look forward to him calling me his Julie and telling me he loves me and me being able to say to him just how much I love him. He always has so many new things he knows how to do and I try and take them all in during our visit. He shares his belly giggle. Now he is to the point where he ask questions and can talk to me with out me trying to figure out what he means or wants and it's wonderful.

A Prayer for "S"

Lately I have been working with S to find parents for her little girl. Well, yesterday she went into labor and had her little girl. I am asking for prayers so that God will be with her in this difficult time as she hands her baby over to the new parents. Thank you for your prayers.

Huge Summer

Summer time is time for a kid to be a kid. Before you know it though school is starting and you are looking at a child who is now at least 4 inches taller and talking about legos and Star Wars and games he is playing on the WII. However, when you look back on the Summer your child seemed to develop in to this person while you were left standing still. This summer was huge in our house. For one Jacob learned how to swim in June with out flotaion devices. Which pulls from the heart string. Okay one major thing okay I can deal with that. But then in July he told me he didn't want his traning wheels on his bike anymore as he could do it like the other kids. WOW! Then a week before school starts back up he comes to me because he learned something new and is excited to show you. I stand and watch as he unties his shoe and ties it back. I hold back tears and tell him how proud I am of him. He just beams with enthusiasm. So in one summer my baby was turned from a little man to I can do it I am a big boy sorry mom. If only I could shrink him down to a baby again and start all over!

Most amazing sound!

When I tlak to A on the phone I can always here Jadon in the back ground gibbering and he always trys to talk on the phone and the most I have ever gotten was Hi or fish! But still they are great words when you haven't heard him talk. Well the other day we were talking about his birthday and she put him on the phone and the Hi this time was super clear. Then......He said luv you! My heart melted! I couldn't believe that he was telling me that he loved me! They were the greatest words ever and so heart felt. So when I see him Saturday I am hoping to teach him my name! One day he will talk up a storm but for now I can hear it over and over and my heart will still feel like its the first time.